Is counselling worth it?

[tiggyc]

My partner and I have been together for 9 years and have a 1 year old little boy. For the past few years we haven’t been getting along great as a couple, as friends we get along fine but have so many differences in food, TV, friends, humour, nights out etc that it’s constant friction.

we also don’t have an active sex life, we had sex to conceive but haven’t had sex once since then not even cuddles, kisses, foreplay etc. we have had multiple conversations about this and have agreed to make more effort - I feel that I have, but unfortunately either get shut down or get nothing back in future. I have stopped trying now as it’s a bit embarrassing tbh and I don’t want to put myself in that situation!

i have put on weight throughout our relationship and since I’ve had our son and I think from what he has said, this is contributing to lack of attraction.

he is a good dad and a good man but we just don’t have an intimate or coupley relationship anymore. Is it worth trying counselling even though we have such fundamental personality differences? Or best to cut it off now while we are still in a good place for our little boy?

As a couples counsellor I will or course say yes, it's worth the try.
I defenitely can't fix every couple and the hardest work has to be done by the couple itself, not by me. But it's such a privilege for me to get to work with couples who manage to turn a half-dead relationship into a meaningful connection.

The worst thing is when I get a couple where one of them has already checked out and has stopped bothering and the other still wants to make it work. It's such a painful thing to unpack and so unfair that they still agree to counselling when they don't have any intention to work on the relationship. Most of the time it's painfully obvious to me as a counsellor after only a few sessions, sometimes already during the first session. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy.

That's why I always start out by exploring what each partners motivation is to come to counselling and whether they are willing to take ownership of their the part they have played in getting the relationship at this point.

I've worked with a lot of couples with sometimes big differences. Usually that's not what decides whether therapy works or not. It's whether they can show respect for these differences, see where they can complement each other and recognise what they have to learn from one another. You don't have to like the same things. But maybe you could get to a place where you can get excited to partake in the interests of your partner, just because you enjoy seeing them in their element.

If you were to suggest counselling, would your partner be willing to put in the work?

i would say its a good option but is completely dependent on the counsellor and both persons receiving couples therapy been open to the process and doing homework. I think the fact you ask the question suggests its a good option for you, then you will know you explored every option to make it work.

@Girlmom35thank you so much for this response, it’s been really helpful - I even mentioned my post to my partner and he read your response too and we have decided as a couple to see a counsellor and see if it can help us. We have both said that it’s definitely worth a try before giving up, for both us and our little boy.

@dottydailyexactly my thoughts, at least if we still go ahead with the separation I won’t have guilt around not trying everything!