Getting engaged, but parents are not making you feel great when telling them.

[Pippaandme]

Has anyone had a response from their parents where you tell them you want to get married to your partner, only to find out that your mum says, "for what reason do you want to really get married? ...Your boyfriend obviously likes being married a lot", he has been married before.

She asked him outright, whats the point, to which he replied he loves me dearly and wants to create a life with me, she just did the face of yuk and put her fingers down her throat as if to be sick and take this to a level where I just feel she is making us both feel quite low and making fun of us. Whenever we do nice things together she always does this lets stick my fingers down my throat and says yuk! Everything with my mum is always jokey, she never does anything too deep!

Since she has done this its made us question why she did it. My dad said thats great but then goes on to say "make sure you have a pre nup and sort out the houses together!". Its like I get it, but please give us some kind of reassurance here that you are both happy.

My boyfriend does a lot for my parents, helps around the house, goes over to help with their cars, fixes their lights, buys them things they need etc, helps with questions they have, but my dad always has to get his bit in about making sure everything is done correctly and mum thinks there is no point.

Since then, I have said to my partner I would prefer not to go over as much to my parents house only as of when as this was the same feeling I was suffering with her prior to him, where it lead to us falling out.

I feel with my mum there is this side to here where it comes across as controlling or just downright opinionated and not nice. I have found lately its worse, its possible because I no longer spend time as much with her, she just finds us too slushy together.

Emotionally we are just two very different people and I will never get her responses and she will never get me. I have noticed now I want to spend more time with my partner less with my parents due to this sense of control and almost negative words.

Not too sure what is best to approach as whenever i do, myself and my mum end up falling out and I look like the sensitive/needy one and she dominates it saying I am not nice. So I would rather not say anything at all and prefer to create distance which for me works, I use to invite her out for lunches and dinners but now I dont want so much.

Anyone else dealt with a mum who just makes fun of you at times and finds things a joke, she has been with my dad for over 50 years and he is the one who dictates her life very much with money/holidays, where to live but she has never had to work in her life, we just dont get it. Am I being over reactive do you think?

Has she always acted like a young child?

now when I look back yes and no but more so since meeting my partner.

Do you have a lot of money/assets and he doesn’t? How long have you been together? Age gap? How many times has he been married?

If it's the same person with the same attitude - you need to stop expecting anything different - which is easy to say I know.

Go low information with them and grey rock - don't react to it or have a set or phrases to shut any further comments down and do broken record - just repeat them.

I have issue with family in that it's all of them at some point and not at others times - big or small things. So it's really hard to know what reaction you'll get from who but can't think of one that soemone not been negative or mocking about..

I grew up with it as well and it does tend to make me guarded and defensive and probably hard to know even now. As I've aged though all the big decsiosn marriage, kids pets and house - trips - that have brought so much joy to my life someone been negative about.

I do now look back and wish I'd/we'd just been allowed to be joyful and happy at big moments- without someone being negative or kicking off about something or mocking us. We tend to try and laugh at it now - though it still irrtates and hurts at times.

I would say we are both equal on that front, once he sets his ex free we are even more comfortable as she has been the worse burden here for him in 5 years after her being released, then no he will have more by the looks of things, but its never been about that, its just my parents and never appear to have any happiness for us, just feels this way as Im getting older!! Age gap only 4 years he is older. He has been married twice before relationships were 18 years and the other was around the same if not 19 years long both very long term.

So are you mid-50s?? (You say he’s 4 years older and has had 2 marriages totalling almost 40 years) If so, why do you even care what your parents think?

And is he still married? What do you mean by “once he sets his ex free”?

How old is he? early 50's if he has 2 c20 year relationships? I think she may have a point. Which is not to say that she's not an emotionally immature arse so 2 things can be true. I think as a mum if my daughter was marrying someone who had been married twice before I may think "really". Fingers down throat is very silly like a child, that would really irritate me.

As others have said, don't rely on her for emotional support, she can't give it. You seem to have taken her word as gospel and are now asking questions of your prospective husband. Which could be because she has touched a nerve or could be because she is controlling and you are like a child desperate for her approval. If it is the latter then step away.

The language you use about his ex wife is interesting, is that mirroring the language he uses? Careful of men who talk badly about their ex wives and have no awareness that they may also have been at fault.

Im 50 and no he got divorced a long while ago since he left his controlling ex and she still is regarding lots of things, what she demands off him now years later is still really nasty. She has had a legal letter to tell her to back off, so its not my partner who is not nice if anything he is so so generous and loving, she just took and took hence why he left her and she got worse when he did even though she met someone pretty much a month later after he left her.
She hasnt stopped, we had to block her in every way to stop the harassment, so he communicates with his son individually now, he loves his son dearly and wants only the best for him, he still gives her a huge amount of money per month, sees his 16 year old son pretty much 3 times a week, takes him out, takes him away, hes a great dad she was just a taker and controlling it got so bad he ended up really quite unwell in the end after it. So honestly its not that he is making it up about her, she is what she is, as i am seeing it for myself. I think its just nice to see your parents happy for you, thats all nothing more i guess!

If your mother has always been like this then you won't change her. Sounds like your Dad isn't great either but l suspect he follows her lead for an easy life. I agree with the pp who advised that you go low contact and also don't share important news with her, especially news where you hope for a happy and enthusiastic response as that way disappointment lies.
You and your partner are both mature people, at 50 you really don't need her endorsement about anything. And stop sending your partner round to do jobs for your parents if it's not appreciated!