lack of sex and porn

[feelingsolow]

My DH and I have a mismatched sex life, I'd be happy with it once or twice a week and he would be happy with once a month at the maximum. We had no sex at all whilst I was pregnant and nursing (18 months)despite my advances! Our sex life was great before we moved in together 5 years ago and then it became a bit humdrum over time (we've been together for 15 years).

I try to initiate love making about once a week but he always has an excuse tired, headache, tummyache.....and so on. I have to admit to always thinking of sex and desperately wanting it, whilst I'm sure he's laying in bed thinking up another excuse - what a role reversal heh!

When we do eventually have sex it is explosive - truly amazing and often he will initiate it again the same day so he obviously enjoys himself! But then that's it for another month or two or three.....

I have considered an affair but I love my husband and do not want to betray him. I have tried to talk to him about why he doesnt seem to ever want to make love and he just says sex isn't everything and he loves me and no he isnt having an affair......etc etc lots of reasurrance but no real answers.

I, however, am now the one feeling betrayed. I was looking for some files on the computer and discovered he'd been looking at soft porn sites!!!

I confronted him and he admitted he visited the sites but said he definately hadnt downloaded anything and hadnt paid for anything. (As if that was meant to appease me) I was SO shocked. I told him that it wasnt the fact that he had looked at porn so much as the fact that he went looking for this but didnt ever want to make love to me.

I am now not speaking to him, I told him he disgusted me and I didnt want to talk to him or look at him. I now do not know what to do next.

I really want to get ourselves out of this hole and get our relationship and love life back together but just dont know what to do......

Please help if you can I really need some advice!

feelingsolow

I think once you have children then your sex life can go downhill for a while, but usually I think it is the woman who goes off it due to other priorities and the fact that your body doesn't feel up to it. I have the same problem as your dh I want to make love with my dh but the sheer effort of finding appropriate time (usually late at night and then I'm too tired) etc usually means I make an excuse.
I don't think men relate looking at porn with real life, it doesn't mean that he doesn't fancy you. You need to talk to him again and get to the bottom of why he is being like this. Don't have an affair it is not the answer you want.

feelingsolow

I'm in the exact opposite of the situation you are in for the relative sex drives so I know what you are going through. In fact some of your DH's responses could have been copied from my DW's.

I do have to ask why you find the idea that your DH has looked at porn (in any form) is a betrayal of some sort?

Almost every guy I know whether single or in a relationship looks at porn of some type or another and that does include me. My DW knows I do it and it doesn't bother her in the slightest.

Have you considered that it may be that he thinks that he isn't attractive enough for you and that is why he is not saying yes?

Thanks KK girl you are right I won't have an affair it was just a kinda last ditch 'how do I get my rocks off' thought - bit flippant really. I love him loads and would never go through with an affair.

SimonHoward I was really hoping you'd contribute as Ive seen your previous posts on your situation and I would love a mans perspective on this and any views you have that would help me.

I'm very open minded and am open to using porn together but when I asked him before about watching a video together (life before kids) he just laughed it off - it was definately a no-go area for him. I only feel betrayed about him using porn in preference to me.

Your posting is very sweet but highly unlikely (bit about him feeling attractive enough for me)I went on a keep fit drive after the birth and managed to tone up and shape up in the hope he would fancy me again, but as it was lost on him I have been comfort eating and I'm now a dress-size bigger than I should be.

Maybe the reverse is true and he just doesnt fancy me any more...... very depressing thought but probably very likely. Maybe things wouldnt change if I was a beanpole though? I just dont know any more.....

Something else, he doesnt like using condoms but I dont want to go back on the pill/get a coil - maybe that is yet another contributory factor... Maybe I'm just cr*p at sex? Who knows?

I really cant face going on living in a platonic marriage I suppose I have to face up to things and try and find out what the hell is going on.

Thanks for listening.

Feelingsolow

I can understand why you feel betrayed now. I'd never choose porn over my DW and I think that is why she doesn't mind.

As for the feeling unattractive on either side have you ever considered just suprising him or phoning him as he is on his way home and telling him that you are waiting for him to walk in so you can attack him? You never know he may just need some sort of inducement.

As for the condoms, oh boy do I know this one. I will happily use them (oh for the chance to use them), even if I don't like them, but to DW they are the biggest passion killer, only beaten by smelly feet. Unfortunately DW either can't use or can't be trusted to use any other form of contraception. So the only way I managed to get past that was to initiate sex in the safest parts of her cycle so the risk of an unwanted pregnancy was reduced. You may find that your DH is the same and the mere thought of using them is enough to stop him. Have you ever thought of trying some other form just to see if he becomes interested?

If there is anything else you want to ask please do so, I don't mind. If it is something you don't want to discuss here I'll give you an e-mail address to use.

Feelingsolow, don't really know what to suggest except maybe you do need to try and spice things up a bit. Suggesting you watch porn together is a good idea, I think that after you have been together for a long time it's maybe necessary to try things to spice up your sex life. DH and I have a great sex life but it is much less frequent now than it used to be which I think is natural with the progression of a relationship and of course the addition of a child. However when it happens (on average once a week) it is as you say explosive. Still though we do need to make the effort.

I agree that condoms are a real passion killer and think if you can you should try an alternative matter.

Most of all I think you should explain how you feel to him and talk it through to try and find a solution you're both happy with. DH was very off sex in the later stages of my pregnancy and I was very hurt and was tempted to bottle it up but talking about it really helped. You said that he says he loves you and sex isn't everything and he's absolutely right, however it is still a very important part of a relationship and I think that you need to explain your frustrations to him.

Don't lose confidence in yourself I am sure you're not cr*p at sex. As you said yourself when it happens its great. Sometimes it's difficult to get the motivation up when you're tired etc, etc and people have different drives and also at different times of the day. My dh for example likes it in the morning and I like it in the afternoon (rarity with dd of course, unless she is having a nap or at my mums!) and if we wait until we go to bed all the good intentions in the world go out of the window because we are both so tired.

Thanks so much SH & TM, you've helped me no end and I feel more confident to sit down and have it out. TM, I will have another go at suggesting we watch porn together and its so reasurring to hear that I'm not so alone in all of this.

SH good idea about phoning and suggesting I'm going to jump on him when he gets in, however at the moment I'd be very concerned that he just might not come home!!

I think I will phone the doctor and see about getting some alternative contraception - loading my body with a few hormones is a small price to pay now!

SH I'd love to email you but I'd hate for my DH to find out - there has been enough sneaking around so far and there is no way I want to add to it. Can you imagine if he found emails from us discussing intimate sexual questions!! LOL! I'd never live it down!

SH any other special tricks you can suggest I can try that might work for him (sorry if I'm sailing a bit close to the wind here!

Thanks so much for your help

Fellingsolow

You are no where near sailing close to the wind.

Most of the ideas that I have either come up with or been told about were mainly for a man (me) to try to get a woman (DW) in the mood so they may need slight modification to work the other way around.

If you are scared he may not come home then don't call him. Or wait till he has just got in the front door and then phone him from the bedroom and tell him exactly what he is going to get when he climbs the stairs.

Another one is to get up a bit early, make a rmoantic but light breakfast and then as he is lying there in bed after feeding himself (or even during if you are daring) start going to work on him. I was always told the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. I know for sure if I had a good breakfast in front of me and my wife starting foreplay I'd be in heaven.

If you are really daring then you can try the old flash but won't touch routine where you go out with him wearing suitable clothes and during the time out let things get exposed for short periods when he can see them but don't let him touch you. If this doesn't drive him into wanting to take you to bed by the end of the trip out then I don't know what will. Important thing is that no matter how much he wants you don't let him touch you till you get home (or at least somewhere private).

You could of course offer to fulfill a fantasy of his as well, but be careful of saying you will do anything as some of us men have occasionaly had some very odd fantasies.

If there is anything more you want to know just ask.

I have had plenty of practice coming up with new ideas and trying to get them to work. I can't guarantee that they will work but they should at least give you some idea of exactly what he is and isn't interested in. And if nothing else works, take him out to a restaurant and get him tipsy and romance him.

Before you do go ahead with loading your body with a load of hormones, have you considered natural contraception? I've always found it pretty reliable (my cycle is very regular). Your health visitor should be able to put you in touch with someone who teaches natural methods ? you have to go into things like mucous and so on, but I think it's as well to get it from a reliable source.
Friends of mine recommend the coil, but I have to say, I chickened out of having one as my doctor told me 'I might feel some discomfort' having it fitted (although I think this depends on the skill of the person fitting it more than the procedure itself).
I hated using the Pill ? it made me feel like a different person.

Thanks so much for your support and messages I can now change my name back, or maybe to something like catthatgotthecream!!

A few glasses of wine last night and we had it all out, SimonHoward it appears you were right and the problem lies with him - he's feeling bloated, uncomfortable and unfit due to not exercising! I am so relieved it's not me and especially as it means I now dont have to go back on the pill! Thanks for your suggestions Rosie though.

I explained how I felt and told him that sex alone was very boring and that seemed to be all it needed to get him going again - he wanted me to show him exactly what I meant by that (we've not tried anything like this before!)and our sex life seems to have reverted back to the passion of the old days! All the old inhibitions flew out of the window and it was even more explosive than usual! I wont go into detail but twice in 5 hours is a record for us!

We now also have a future date with a dirty video! Just how do we got hold of a video that we'll both enjoy is my next question! Can anyone help?

Thanks so much for all your support

Feelingsolow (or is it catthatgotthecream?)

Glad to hear things are so much better for you and DH.

I somehow get the impression the comment about where to get a video was aimed at me (no idea why. LOL).

The answer is it depends on exactly how explicit you want the video.

If it is just softcore then virtually any video store will have a selection. If you want something a bit harder then look for the 18r rating on the video/DVD's. These can only be sold by licenced sex shops but usually are of good qaulity.

Easiest way to find a nearby Sex Shop would be to pick up and Adilt Mag or the Sunday Sport.

Any other questions just ask, my reputation as a pillar of the community has now been so fractured it won't matter. LOL.