Childhood abuse and new relationships

[Notaboutthebass]

Hi all, just asking for personal experiences. If you've been physically abused as a child, how has it affected you starting a new relationship (or any relationship), or have you been the other party? How has it impacted how you've been treated in a relationship? With/without therapy.

When you come from a dysfunctional background, it's difficult to know what's healthy in a relationship. Your upbringing won't have just included physical abuse but emotional abuse as well. Therefore abuse is familiar and for some people, represents love.

Therapy and reading up on red flags and assertiveness/boundaries might be helpful.

Thank you for your reply.

Anyone have personal experiences of how you were treated by someone so damaged? Or how you treated someone else because of abuse?

Anyone? I'm in a situation myself.

Anyone?

It made me have very high walls and guard myself emotionally, it made me drawn towards emotionally avoidant and emotionally unavailable men because then there was no pressure from them to open up emotionally (but obvs it would end badly).

Before therapy I had a bit of a short temper though I wouldn’t be physically abusive to them. I could be very snappy and sharp tongued and hurtful though, especially if I felt rejected which pushed my “unloveable” buttons.

I’ve now done a lot of therapy and am past most of this…

What I would say is that no adult gets a ‘pass card’ for treating others badly irrespective of their childhood circumstances. They still have personal responsibility to seek help and be a better person. No-one should ever excuse shitty behaviour.

Thank you. This is what I'm thinking and frustrated over.

I'm sorry that you've been in that situation but it's good that you're recovering.
Did it ruin relationships?

So we've been together around 4 months. He was abused as a child, he has several times had melt downs, ghosts me for days and lets me down last minute, always down to work, so he says.

When he gets like this, he completely shuts down and I'm not even welcome in his home, he lives just down the road. Always apologises afterwards, says he just needs to shut everyone offf. He's due to start counselling soon. I've tried to be understanding and supportive but I'm struggling with the ignoring.