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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know what to do

15 replies

Nollyroa · 22/07/2025 03:11

Maybe I just need a rant. So please be gentle with me.

Last month I found out that my husband of 20 years (or so) was making approaches / steps to be unfaithful. I don't want to go into specifics, I wasn't looking for evidence as for him being unfaithful. I went onto his ipad looking for photos for the business website that we have to update. I had recently been suffering with multiple bladder infections and possible kidney problems so sex hadn't been foremost in our relationship - I don't know of a better way to put it.

We are married. We are not well off. We don't have children together but we do have a business together.

I am devastated. I am both fucking heart-broken and livid, and angry and just the grief is overwhelming.

He keeps countering it with: "I didn't want to have an affair" "I didn't have an affair" I asked him why he didn't meet up with the person he was messaging and he said (and these are his words) "I was busy and didn't really have time"

I can't really describe that the grief is just overwhelming - it's like he has ripped my whole life apart, and all that he keeps saying is that he didn't want to have an affair. He has ripped my heart out and stamped on it, he has ripped our life apart on stamped on it.

We have been round and round. Neither of us can afford to move out. My heart says get away as far as you can, but my head knows we can't financially afford it. I do all the accounts for the business and know exactly the money that we have coming in and going out every month.

I think I'm just ranting, I don't have anyone I can talk to. I just feel... god, I just don't want this to hurt so bad.

OP posts:
heldinadream · 22/07/2025 04:20

I'm so sorry @Nollyroa, you sound like you are in so much pain. He is trying to minimise what he's done but he has no right to do that really, he's hurt you horribly and abused your love and your trust.
Do you think there's any coming back from this for you?
Running a business together makes it more complicated. What did you do before you met him? Twenty years is a long time.
Sending you a big hug. Do you have family or a close friend you can trust who could support you?

Themorningof · 22/07/2025 05:13

Is he even remotely apologetic? Regretful? Begging you for a second chance?

Original poster
Nollyroa · 22/07/2025 05:19

Themorningof · 22/07/2025 05:13

Is he even remotely apologetic? Regretful? Begging you for a second chance?

I think the thing is, I have been up all night hurting. And I can hear him snoring.

Not begging. Just acknowledging that he's done "something" wrong.

I think to me it's just being able to *scream" or cry out the pain, and how to move forward. He really believes he has done nothing wrong. I have photographic proof that he was corresponding with other women to have sex outside of the marriage. what more can I say.

OP posts:
Themorningof · 22/07/2025 05:22

Well if he’s not apologetic
he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong (not the sharpest tool in the box, is he?)
so he will do again

supercali77 · 22/07/2025 05:27

He was messaging women plural? Either way, there are no good signs. An affair or the start of one is not good but he's consciously trying to engage in one. Minimising it. And happily fast asleep while you're in pain.

You can't afford to get away, but can you stay with family for a bit? Can you run the business remotely? Get some space for a bit?

BCBird · 22/07/2025 06:15

You don't have to be wealthy to deserve piece of mind. Surely a one-bedroomed flat is preferable to.having to share a space with such a weak individual?

MiloMinderbinder925 · 22/07/2025 07:38

There's no rush to do anything so stop thinking you need to move out tomorrow.

Unfortunately there may be more to find out. This may not be his first affair and cheaters minimise, so it depends how far you want to go down this rabbit hole. I would get an STD test just to be safe.

I would get legal advice regarding divorce and look for cheaper areas if yours is too expensive. You might find the Surviving Infidelity website helpful.

Desmodici · 22/07/2025 08:29

Nollyroa · 22/07/2025 05:19

I think the thing is, I have been up all night hurting. And I can hear him snoring.

Not begging. Just acknowledging that he's done "something" wrong.

I think to me it's just being able to *scream" or cry out the pain, and how to move forward. He really believes he has done nothing wrong. I have photographic proof that he was corresponding with other women to have sex outside of the marriage. what more can I say.

Show quote history

And he's basically admitted that he would have if he wasn't 'busy and didn't really have the time.' How hurtful that those were the things stopping him, and not that he didn't want to risk your relationship and your trust.

Vallmo47 · 22/07/2025 08:33

I’m so sorry OP.
I hope you can find a way of prioritising yourself over him. His response when you asked him would be the final nail in the coffin for me… he didn’t have time? That’s insane and you deserve so much better.

Original poster
Nollyroa · 22/07/2025 18:42

MiloMinderbinder925 · 22/07/2025 07:38

There's no rush to do anything so stop thinking you need to move out tomorrow.

Unfortunately there may be more to find out. This may not be his first affair and cheaters minimise, so it depends how far you want to go down this rabbit hole. I would get an STD test just to be safe.

I would get legal advice regarding divorce and look for cheaper areas if yours is too expensive. You might find the Surviving Infidelity website helpful.

Thanks. Will have a look at the website.

I'm just trying to take each day as it comes, but it's hard when he just keeps acting as if nothing has happened, like we're just the same and calling me "darling"

He thinks that if he just doesn't mention it, it will all blow over and everything will go back to before. 😕

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 22/07/2025 18:45

Nollyroa · 22/07/2025 18:42

Thanks. Will have a look at the website.

I'm just trying to take each day as it comes, but it's hard when he just keeps acting as if nothing has happened, like we're just the same and calling me "darling"

He thinks that if he just doesn't mention it, it will all blow over and everything will go back to before. 😕

Show quote history

Finding out about infidelity is a roller coaster and you're right to take it one day at a time. Obviously he wants you to move on as quickly as possible but take your time and don't rush into anything.

gradygals · 22/07/2025 19:01

I'm so sorry for you. I found after nearly 50 years of marriage he was taking another woman "dancing". I has broken me, still no healing after 6 years and I regret staying with him. Do what you think is best for you but don't rush out the door too quickly.

SpinachSpinachMoreSpinach · 22/07/2025 19:19

This is very raw and too soon to figure out whether you can come back from this, but you may feel more in control if you explore the practical aspects of a life without him. You don’t have to act on this but you’ll be able to see more clearly, and you’ll have options.

Could you wind up the business or have him buy you out? Could you go back to work full time?

Look at Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies and family solicitor websites. Gather all financial documentation. Make a plan - just in case. And maybe consider counselling for yourself.

Original poster
Nollyroa · 22/07/2025 19:30

SpinachSpinachMoreSpinach · 22/07/2025 19:19

This is very raw and too soon to figure out whether you can come back from this, but you may feel more in control if you explore the practical aspects of a life without him. You don’t have to act on this but you’ll be able to see more clearly, and you’ll have options.

Could you wind up the business or have him buy you out? Could you go back to work full time?

Look at Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies and family solicitor websites. Gather all financial documentation. Make a plan - just in case. And maybe consider counselling for yourself.

We are not sure where the business will be, currently it's ongoing and I could work remotely if/when I leave. I know that he wouldn't be able to buy me out, I handle all the finances both personal and business so I'm very aware of the financial situation we're in.

Going to think about counselling. He has said he would be willing to do couples counselling but he's very manipulative and I worry that the therapist would be influenced by him, he talks a lot and is very charming if you know what i mean.

OP posts:
SpinachSpinachMoreSpinach · 22/07/2025 20:35

Too early to go for joint counselling, especially if he is very manipulative. But individual counselling for yourself might help you clarify your thoughts.

Also consider reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It’s about different types of abuse and there is a free PDF online. Reading between your lines I wouldn’t be surprised if you found him there. Being manipulative is only a step away from being controlling and/or coercive.

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