Struggling with broken heart

[Sunset216]

Sorry for long post. So in April my partner of 13 years who I have 2DC with left me said he wasn’t happy and that I am huffy. I feel like since he started his taxi job 2 years ago we never see each other as I work 9-5 and he worked 5.30-2am so barely spent anytime together. That night he left I had said when are you going to spend sometime with us and he just said you know I have to work these shifts as it’s busier times so I said right ok as I just felt so lonely so he said I’m sick of your huffiness I’m not coming back. I just wanted him to understand how lonely it’s been for me since starting this job as on my own most of time and doing the housework and working myself but he said he’s made a choice and whether it’s right or wrong he will deal with it. After the usual begging I did which I regret of how we could make it work he said he doesn’t want it anymore. He is 42 and week after he left got arrested for being drunk which he has never been arrested in life, 2 weeks after that went to magaluf for 3 nights with his friend who is also single and does same job who can make more money than him as has no responsibilities which I think my ex was jealous of. He has continued to go on nights out with mates which he has never been a one for drinking then 8 weeks after he left he was on a night out with family and was introduced by one of his friends to a woman in the bar ( I know this didn’t happen when he was with me as his mother who isn’t pleased at recent behaviour told me she was there when they got introduced) and now they have been going out on dates. It’s breaking my heart even though she has had her own children took off her I feel like I’ve been replaced so quickly and forgotten about so soon and he just seems so happy in his new life going on dates on weekend breaks and out all the time and I am just sat at home sobbing. Does it get any easier I have started talking therapies and already on sertraline just still in shock

Keep strong OP and focus on your own healing and your children.
I would try and not contact him and keep busy. It sounds as if you'd take him back and I don't think that'll happen if you're running after him. The new woman doesn't sound much of a catch so the chances are low it'll last. But who cares, he doesnt deserve you.
Sorry this has happened, I feel for you x

Thank you I know I obviously still love him but couldn’t take him back now as would be no trust I’m just really struggling and shocked that he could do this as was no signs. I do need to stop asking for answers though as he is very cold and short with me and just says I’m not making it any easier and that he’s made a choice and we need to just get on with it and accept it. Just says he never left because he didn’t love me just wasn’t happy starting to think he was just being selfish especially the way he’s went after leaving and had too much freedom and family life got to much and is thinking the grass is greener

Ok @Sunset216
look at what you have over him?
some respect for a start
two children who will and do give you love unconditionally for being you
a peaceful home
time to work on yourself just to feel better
you can have a bath, read books expand your mind , make some decisions that are yours

he is chasing what? Some 20odd year old lad’s nirvana? Has to deal with boring drunk passengers / same conversation again and again to possibly get a tip

Have you seen Magaluf? It looks like hell on earth a glorified UK stag do town with hustlers who just want stupid drunk tourists cash

it doesn’t make you a fucking legend dancing on a table to some old rave anthem in a bar full of other adults who have no interest in actually exploring a place

he sounds boring, bit sad actually

and the upsetting bit is you are letting this sad excuse of a man put you on medicine and think you are missing out

and seeing a queen amongst mothers whose children were taken away, it takes quite a lot for that decision to be made

so forget them what do you need @Sunset216? Especially to come ff the medicine (with your GP advice)?

Early nights, ready to face work ready to go, showered, can you work towards promotion or move companies in time?

How about painting your bedroom? New bedding, change the room around

friend round to share wine and food in the garden?

what do you need?

he’s not worth putting drugs in your brain for he really isn’t

I would take staying in, cooking spaghetti bolognaise and playing hues and cues with my amazing children over getting drunk and slobbering over not mum of the year any day of the week

family is life @Sunset216

food, love, laughter, peace

you are missing out on nothing you have kept the important stuff

That’s true I was just so low and felt so worthless and replaced so easily I found it really hard to cope. She is the same age as him in 40s and I am 33 but she has told his friend her mother rang social on her so was either taking into care or live with her mother but told him that children are with her mum for the safety from her abusive ex but live 100 miles away and all he says to me is I don’t know the full story and that she is a lovely woman and only known her a few weeks. I just really don’t recognise him anymore I am doing the usual going with friends and trying to look after myself. I think I’m just bitter and jealous of how it only took 8weeks to move on and he seems to have a happier life. X

He also hasn’t faced me since April I have lost 3 stone as I didn’t eat when he left which I could have done with loosing as I was over weight. I am really blessed to have my children and they are safe and happy. He is taking them 3 days a week so is still seeing them I won’t fault him for that it’s more about the heartbreak and I can’t see myself ever getting over it

He is not worth your tears, he has chosen a single life as only men can do when they have had kids. It will not be as much as she is nicer or better than you just that she is more available (take that as you want) and he is able to shirk his responsibilities. Do make sure that he is paying for your children and then forget about him. Don't think about taking him back when he comes begging, remember the hurt he has caused you and you kids and don't let him keep doing that to you.💕

@Nextdoormat I know I won’t take him back now even though I still love him as would be airing for him to do it again. Even though I know he would never ask to come back now as he is living with him mum and waiting for a council flat. I won’t ever forget the hurt he caused us and all he could say was I can’t put my life on hold just because no one is happy with my decision. I would never expect him to stay if he was unhappy but I thinks it’s just the responsibility the stress that comes with having children was too much and that is why he’s went on to living his bachelor lifestyle maybe thinks he’s missing out

You will get through this OP.
And one day he will tell you how he regrets all this. And hopefully by then you won’t care what he thinks.

In the meantime, keep your self-respect. Stop talking to him about anything except your children. Keep it grey rock and factual.

Don’t over share with his mother.

Honestly getting arrested, getting shit faced, going to Magaluf, dating other irresponsible people doesn’t sound like he’s having a great time to me. And if he thinks that’s a great time then it’s time to let him go.

However, the only way he is going to come crawling to you is if he misses you. Misses talking to you. Misses hanging out with you. Laughing with you etc. Misses the everyday things about family life. And the only way he will miss all this is if you pull right back. Tell him nothing about your life. What you are doing. Change your house round. Redecorate your bedroom. Treat yourself to some new clothes. Get on top of child maintenance claims etc. Reach out to friends. Look amazing on any social posts. Take up a new hobby. Don’t call him. End his calls first. Don’t do anything for him.

You will be OK. 💐

@Catoo thank you I will do as I’ve learnt even when I’ve told him how hurt I am he doesn’t care as he has moved on so I really do need to 100% not message him and get on with my life. I know I have the better life already it’s just I am still heartbroken and cry most days and to me it seems like he got over me in 4 weeks after 13 years like I meant nothing but maybe just convincing himself he will have a happy life as in his own bubble at moment. I know I will meet someone one day who wants to spend time with me instead of working all the time but just hurt that he could ever do this in the first place. Thanks for the advice

He hasn’t moved on as quickly as you think because he’s been considering it for a while. Sadly, you’re playing catch up and it’s horribly painful. But you will be OK. One day you’ll realise you haven’t cried and you haven’t missed him for a while.

Honestly the life style he is currently living sounds awful. I think he’ll get bored of it at some point and he’ll try and come back.

Do something you always wanted to do this week as a treat to yourself. Maybe something he was dismissive of. 💐

@Catoo thanks yes I do think he has been considering and thinking there was more to life than current life he had. I am trying to keep busy but it’s hard when all I can think of is him and her together and wake up at night thinking about it I wish it would just erase from my mind as it’s been 3 months now

@Sunset216 I have absolutely been there, and it is horrible. Weird how your own brain tortures you.

It does get better. Distract yourself as much as you can. With me, there comes a day when I am just bored of crying and being upset and can kind of just decide I’ve had enough of feeling like shit. Maybe you haven’t got there yet. But you will.

Also, don’t be surprised if he’s suddenly wanting back when you’re starting to build a new life and move on. Has happened to me two out of the three times I’ve been heartbroken.

@Catoo Ah be made it absolutely clear at the start that he wasn’t coming back. I ask so think if he can move on about a 13 year relationship and like someone else he will never feel the same towards me again. Yeah that’s what I hate the way my brain is torturing me I wish I was able to just move on and switch my feelings off as quickly as he did. I am trying to distract myself as much as I can I wake up every morning wanting it to just all go away, I have accepted he is not coming back just struggle with how he forgot about me so quick like I meant nothing 😢

He has walked away from responsibility, from being an adult, putting his children first because he’s wants to be 19 again. He’s with a woman who lost her kids, so to him, she has the perfect life.
He needs the people around him to pat him on the back, telling him he did the right thing, those people will be lowlifes with drink/drug problems and dubious morals because that to him is nirvana.
His life choices and the people he mixes with now are pathetic wastrels who only think of themselves because that is what he has become, a pathetic person, scraping the bottom of the barrel of life.
That is a the complete opposite of you, of your children, you my lovely are a diamond, reeling because you feel rejected but your ex is a nugget of shit surrounding himself with others of the same calibre, because they are his tribe.
You hold your head up high, see the truth that the trash took itself out!

@SpryCat Ah thank you I am trying to see it like that but just shocked as it really come out the blue I mean I know I can be a bit moody but I was doing everything on my own and he only had to pick them up from school for 1 hour until I got in from work. All I can see now is he left and someone like that is making him happy and I guess she is being some excitement to his life but I I’m not sure what she has got that I didn’t have and it breaks my heart to think after 8 weeks he said the relationship meant something but he made a choice whether as wasn’t happy so everyone needs to accept although has acted selfish in someways. It hurts I can hardly function some days

That woman’s values align with his, that’s why he is with her, someone else is bringing her kids up and she hasn’t any responsibility.
It’s being responsible he is running from, family life, he wants to be like her, feckless and fancy free!
He has been incredibly selfish in every way, he could have ended it amicably but instead he did it like a coward, tried to blame it on you for wanting quality time together as a family and left.
You were feeling lonely before he left as he never made the effort, he had emotionally checked out and that can be harder than splitting up. You wouldn’t want him now even if he was begging you, on his hands and knees because you know he can’t ever be trusted.
You are mourning the man you thought he was but he obviously wasn’t.

@SpryCat yeah he is selfish even ended 13 years by a text message. Hopefully one day I won’t feel this worthless. He always just said needed to work as wasn’t making enough. Your right I would never take him back as would never trust him just maybe hope one day he regrets it when I have moved on or maybe one day I don’t care if he regrets it or not