Can I ask him out if he’s dating someone else but it’s not yet serious?

[Jyvoc]

Hi Folks, seeking some advice. My male friend has been dating a woman for just over a month. Is it appropriate to throw my hat in the ring, romantically speaking?
For context, he and I have been friends for 20+ years. There’s always been chemistry on both sides, but we’ve both previously been in long term relationships so have never pursued anything other than friendship.
We’ve only recently reconnected having been out of touch for a while due to other personal priorities. However, he did say that he hadn’t reached out sooner as he thought he had done something to ruin our friendship (complete misunderstanding, now resolved).

Have I missed the boat in this? Should I bow out quietly now? Not sure what the etiquette here should be, if they’ve only been dating a month.

I’d definitely let him know!!

Go for it!

I think it would be weird timing. But I'm a dinosaur who thinks the old system where people dated one person at a time was better.

I would maybe ask to meet up and do something fun like snowboarding or a comedy club as friends. Generally ask how hes getting on with new dating partner etc etc. Get an idea of how things are. Maybe drop in there aww thats a shame I always had a thing for you. But looks like ive missed my chance. Await his reaction and laugh it off if he really likes her etc and say your happy being friends.

I agree. It’s pretty inappropriate imo but like you I don’t get all this dating but not in a relationship nonsense

If I was the woman he’s dating I’d be pretty bloody pissed off if I found out that a female friend was trying to muscle in

Yes I agree with @MrsTerryPratchett and @TwistedWonder
I think it's quite a dirty trick to play on the woman he is dating.

Goodness. You have to ask?!

Of course you don’t ask him out. You have no idea how serious the relationship is.

Have you watched the movie My Best Friend’s Wedding? Leave him alone to pursue the relationship he is in. Why is it that only now you want to ask him out? Find your own man.

I agree.

You've missed the boat. You've had 20 years to do this, but have both previously been in relationships.

And he's still in one. It isn't up to you to decide it's not serious and therefore he should drop her for you now that you've got time for him.

Have a bit of dignity and leave him alone.

I dunno. I don't think I would, seems a bit sly when you know he's been seeing someone a month. But then again I also don't believe in dating multiple people at once and I knew I wanted to marry my husband within about 5 days of meeting him, so maybe I'm just an out of touch old romantic.

Hell no. If it works out between the 2 of them and he tells her you tried to get with him then you'll lose his friendship in a flash - there's no way she'll stand for him remaining friends with you. I wouldn't blame her.

If nothing comes of their dating and it fizzles out then have the conversation with him.

I definitely wouldn’t. With respect, you’ve known each other forever and you had your chance. Hopefully there will be another to follow! But it wouldn’t be fair on the other girl and might look like you want him because he’s got someone else.
Good luck.

Absolutely!

If it was going to happen it would have happened by now.

This. Chemistry and ‘misunderstandings’ haven’t translated into anything in 20 plus years. There’s a reason for that.

No.
How would you feel if someone did that to you?

You sound like Rachel in Friends.
You probably won't want him when you have 'won him' from her 🤔

Yeah go for it 🙄

I think it would be a horrible thing to do.

why would you?

This! If he’s that flaky then when is he going to do the same thing to you if you get together!
Have some standards. You’ve had 20 years, why pursue him when he’s not single?

Thanks for the advice all. I especially appreciated those of you who responded kindly. To be clear I certainly wouldn’t want to cause anyone undue pain. I was just equally not sure how dating worked now and whether this was culturally now okay. I’ve been out of the game a while but have noted that people are multiple dating and treating things more casually. Given the strong reactions I’ll leave it be.

@Jyvoc its actually a really good Q and point you make. My first instinct was to pearl clutch but then I remembered many people don’t consider ‘dating’ especially within even the first 3 months sometimes as committed to each other as multiple dating is increasingly more common (and seemingly socially acceptable). I think it’s possibly more a thing with late Millennials/Gen Z.

If you like him so much and are close friends, then there’s no harm enquiring how it’s going and dependant on his answer, maybe it would be possible for you to let him know.

Just go for it. He's only been dating for a month. Hardly a serious long term relationship. You've got to put yourself first sometimes.