Relationship advice

[Wintershealing]

Hi, I just want to post as I'm in my head and don't have anyone in rl I can ask advice from. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months and I'm stuck in quandary.

Background I'm early 40s, 2 kids both late teens (1 lives with their dad the other splits time between). I'm divorced 10 years, co-parent well with ex. Had a 4 year relationship since which ended in 2021 and was single (with the odd dates) until I met my boyfriend 6 months ago.
He's 46, 1 dc who's 20 and some grown up step kids (step kids all live 100 miles away due to him, his ex and their shared dd moving away a few years ago to my town.)
We met through online dating and got on really well from the start. We have similar values, both like that our dc are more or less grown up now, have wonderful chemistry and shared humour/banter. When I met him I had reservations that he had only been single for 6 months after a long relationship/marriage (he hasn't seen his ex since August last year) plus he's currently going through a divorce. He reassured me he was ready (i know how stupid of me). His ex lives in what was their family home with her new boyfriend and used to send him a torrent of abuse via email and text so she's blocked and communication is via a solicitor now (he's paying the mortgage as to not default until a financial order agreement is settled then the house will be sold.) That side of things doesn't effect me as he keeps me out of it.
When he left the house last August his 20 year old dd also left with him as she wants nothing to do with her mum. Since leaving she bought a flat and my boyfriend is staying there until the house is sold and he can get his own place. He has a good job and works from home.
That's the background of it and we've been getting on well, my dc like him and his dd likes me.
A couple of weeks ago we had what I thought was going to be a light chat but ended heavy. I asked how he saw the future (in a loose way not heavy) and said did he ever see us living together one day (meaning in 2 years or something) and that's when he said he never wants to live with someone again or be financially tied. I'll admit I did feel quite taken aback because my ex and I never lived together and I found it hard. I'm not one who needs to be with someone 24/7 but I hated the goodbye after a nice weekend or something where I'd have to go home and never feeling like we're building something together.

The weird thing is I'd become very happy single and didn't really like men (after old and bad dates/men) and I happily lived alone with my dc back and forth. Now I'm in a relationship I don't know how I feel about it all being part time. I don't expect the honeymoon phase to last forever of course but I didn't expect to feel the way I do about not living with a serious boyfriend, maybe because I've experienced it before.

Please don't be harsh I'm feeling very confused.

You're asking him if he wants to build something with you while he's still dismantling the current one.

It's only been six months, slow your roll. Also, listen to him, if he says he never wants to cohabit again, believe him. Don't presume or hope he will change his mind. If that is something that you have decided that you definitely want, find someone that has a shared goal. It's not this guy.

Or, you might decide a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush and the relationship is that good you don't want to let him go, in which case you need to accept it is on a casual basis. Only you can decide how you feel and what your priorities are.

Thank you 😊

It's my own fault, you can't ask someone to build something with you whilst they are still dismantling the old one. I feel.such a fool, I thought I was so switched on after being single for years and rejecting a lot of bull from old.

I mean doesn't everyone say things like that when they're fresh out of a relationship? Especially if it didn't end well. "I'll never date again, I'll never live with someone again, etc etc".

And sure sometimes they mean it, but a lot of the time they're just processing the hurt, sometimes even trauma of the end of their previous relationship and once that passes they'll change their minds.

It's only been 6 months. If you like him and he's a good partner to you, what's the harm in carrying on seeing him, taking things slow, and revisiting this conversation a bit further down the line when the dust has settled and the ink dried on his divorce papers?

Listen to him. He’s saying that he doesn’t see himself having the life that you want.
My ex said this to start with. We split up, and when we got back together I made it really clear that living together as a family was what I wanted. If he didn’t then we should go our separate ways. He agreed that he wanted to live together too. But only to get his needs met, he never made any attempt to progress things past what I saw as dating. He never would. I left for good.
If you want a life as a family, don’t compromise. There’s already so much going on for him, you risk waiting around for years like I did and still being unhappy. Throw this one back.

Thank you. I do feel annoyed with myself because I know I could never expect much from someone who was so fresh from a long relationship. I guess my reasoning at the time was I'd been single a long while, I'd been on many a shit date but he felt, and still feels, so different. I was content on my own with the notion if I meet someone great, if not I'm OK. Which is why I'm so confused.

If this is a relationship worth pursuing, there is no rush. If this has got legs and you'll be together long term, there really is no rush as you've got all the time to do the things you want to do, when they feel right for both of you. If it aint broke don't fix it, six months in, he's still divorcing and dismantling current arrangments, so just take it for what it is and enjoy it.

You've not been a fool, you've just met someone you like, that's fine. Enjoy the moment, no need to race ahead.

If you don’t need 24/7 then just enjoy what time you get together.

It’s too soon anyway - he’s still sorting out his past life.