Night shift vent

[tizzy13]

Need a vent but also looking for some tips from other mums who’s partners work nightshift (specifically 12hrs) as I’m on the brink of a breakdown and I’m not sure I can keep resenting my partner without it causing us long term damage. Please no judgement as I’m already feeling pretty fragile…

Firstly let me preface this by saying I am so grateful that my partner works hard for our family as I’ve had to dramatically reduce my hours due to a tricky pregnancy. I don’t want to act ungrateful at all but I have to be honest with how I’m struggling.

The trouble is, he works 4 nights a week (6pm-6am) comes home and eats some food/scrolls on phone/has a spl*ff whatever he needs to do then comes to sleep about 7/8am when I’m waking up and he’ll sleep until he needs to get up for work and shower etc (lately has been about 5pm).

I feel so ALONE.

Because he’s away at night and sleeps in the day I’m finding that I’m picking up all his slack, I’m the only one who cleans and if I ask him to do something he’ll often forget and sleep too long so then I get fed up and just do it myself. We have his daughter on the weekends Fri-Sun and often he’ll be so busy with her he still won’t help around the house - she’s a lot more demanding than my little one, bless her.

I’m really dreading having this baby (our first together) as I know nights will feel so lonely when baby might be awake lots, I’ll be breastfeeding so will be up lots anyway and I have to be up to do the school run for my little one. Then I’ll be with baby all day whilst he sleeps.. I can’t see how he will be involved with the baby at all apart from on the weekends which will be intense as we’ll have all 3 children.

I’m getting really resentful that I’m doing everything and I know it’ll get worse when I’m pretty much the only one who’ll be dealing with baby as well whilst he works. What can I do? Does anyone have a similar set up and how does it work when your partner works nights? Am I being really selfish to expect him to wake up a little bit earlier to help me out/spend time with me and eventually our new baby?

Oh op this is difficult with nights, I did 10 years of nights 8 till 8, so when you get home your h it's 6 am but really that's his early evening, not tired enough to go to bed if that makes sense,

I would start at 8am with children's breakfast getting ready for school, dishes, washing machine on and out to dry, children taken to school, back home, slow cooker meal put on, any ironing/ hovering done, went to bed for 11am woke at 3 for school run,
I worked 3 nights so on days off me and h would do all the other jobs , food shop, garden, bed change and so on,
You need a plan op, your h could be pottering about obviously not hovering or anything that early, but when baby arrives and if awake he could spend some time with baby to let you sleep, till he needs to sleep, express some milk so he can feed maybe , have baby change and dressed,

You then have all day, join some baby groups to get you out, also he needs to wake earlier to spend hour or so with you and baby, and days off the bulk of stuff gets done food shop, and so on

It's hard op you will be doing the night time routine by your self ( unless you have a family member that could stay over to support you )
Deffo express milk for others to help feed baby, this gives you some time to grab a bath or just have a meal,

I was the 12 hour night shift worker in critical care so I was running on fumes by the time I got home. With commute times, it was between 14 and 15 hours out of the house. I have fallen asleep on the train and missed my stop.

I'd get home, help get kiddos ready and off for school, then collapse into bed. DH would put laundry in if needed and we did some meal prepping, so had food ready to go in the fridge. I would do some cleaning after I got up, then get ready and off to work.

He needs his sleep. Do not wake him early to help with domestic chores, he is going to have to be doing some after he gets home or before he gets up, end of story. Nights really takes a toll on the body. Waking him early could cause errors at work too if he works in health care.

If you need a partner who is physically and mentally present instead of working and sleeping and that is the reality of 12 hours nights for the most part, he could change shifts or this is not the relationship for you

This has been my life for over 40 years.

When our DC were young and DH was in his 30s we worked shifts around them. He didn't get much sleep but he did a lot with the children- school runs etc.

Now he's in his 60s he just goes to work, sits and sleeps and has totally opted out of family life (we have a teen at home)..

With only 4 nights working does yours have 3 off? If so he should be catching up on chores on the middle day when he hasn't been to work and isn't going that night.

If you can't put up with being alone why on earth are you having a baby with this man? It won't change unless he gets another job and that isn't easy.

The solution is for him to do all the housework, and so on in all of that free time hes got before work. Perhaps you can arrange another job for him to do as soon as he gets home from working nights?

Sounds a lazy man to me sleeping all day. If he was working all day and working all night surely things would be easier ?

My advice is put him to work at home when he gets in, find him a nice little job in the middle of the day before you wave him off to work all night.