how is everyone survive becoming new parents

[everydaymama]

today is our anniversary and i am looking up how to get a divorce :(
i want to hear some of your experiences surviving your marriage first year after baby

we welcomed our baby last year and since she arrived we had many arguments and the past two has been really heated i had to leave the house

we both don’t have family for support but we already found a for childminder which is about to start
our problem is financial before the baby even arrived
i was unemployed for 4 years - in which i tried to start a business and tried self employment without much luck then i got pregnant
i did not stop looking for jobs doing courses interview etc.
my husband had to support me financially and pays bills and mortagage
he grew resentment towards me and my choices of career (which goes no where at the minute with a new baby)
i really want to work because he doesn’t treat childcare as work and i find it very frustrating
last time we had counsellor helping us come to conclusion he’d give me some allowance from his salary and tell me how much he makes (which i still don’t know) it’s not anything to do with me but he seems very protective of ‘his’ money and believe women needs to work full time
I had a great job before i quite my last one and financial wasn’t a big problem then we both contribute to share account proportionally

my questions is he also loaned me some money to help me with the business and when i need it
although saying not asking it back - he always always brought up when we fight
so i asked him to settle the debt with me
i am eager to work and i have tried - i just need a little bit more patience when i have the baby because it’s become very stressful
Even a small argument turned really nasty
we are both tired and didn’t want to get up and there’s some arrangement of who does what shift but it can be blurry during the mornings which need to look at again (but he thinks i change my rules whenever it suits me and change all the time)

anyways when we are both happy it’s all okay but as long as I’m angry with him he brought up all the things i hate to hear - like my job/ money/ chores (how much he does)/ how he’s already a good dad (i should be apprecaited) etc

I don’t know how can we survive the first year of our baby
today is our anniversary feeling so defeated

sorry for a rant just need a hug :(

The best relationships ive seen are the ones who priorise their relationship i.e have weekends away every few month without the kids. Have a date night and do somwthing new and exciting I.e skiing lessons, salsa lessons etc. My marriage well we broke up 3 years ago after 15 years together stayed for years cos of kids. Kids were 6 and 11 when we split.

Money wise. He moves out and claim uc and together but seperate.

Get a job in care and work nights or pay for nursery.

Dont 4get to have sex minimum once per week

@Fluffypotatoe123987 wtf am I reading? Take up something new and exciting? Sex minimum once a week? Seriously?

OP he sounds financially awful, if I were you, once you feel up to it, I would be leaving him. He sounds like he feels superior over you because he "earns the money" and believe me this will not get better.

Money wise. He moves out and claim uc and together but seperate.
Get a job in care and work nights or pay for nursery.
Dont 4get to have sex minimum once per week

Did you try these things before your marriage broke down or are you thinking this is what would have saved it?

Thank you so much everyone i was worried about negative comment but you’re all so kind. I feel very sad we have been together 10+ years, the good days are easy but it got nasty really fast when times are tough. :(

Definitely prioritise getting a job and be financially independent. I’ll speak to local citizen advice about what to do if we were to separate. Just know I can’t live like this forever. We already tried therapy. This time I don’t feel like working on it anymore. All the things he said has stuck with me and make me feel like a failure at all times.

You’re right. he took all the money out from our share account although not much it’s only household money, but i don’t have any other income and very little in my own bank account. I can’t claim UC because he makes too much (and still don’t know how much). I feel so anxious is there anything i can do?

His income is a marital asset whether he likes it or not. He can hide it from you but that doesn’t stop you from being entitled to a share of it. Marriage is a financial commitment. If you divorce then to get a clean financial break (often preferred option) you will need to fill in form E which will be a full financial disclosure so the information he is hiding from you should come out sooner or later. If you haven’t already speak to a solicitor and ask them what is the best approach with a cheeky spouse hiding their assets.

good luck OP. This is really hard, but there are lots of supportive people who can help you.