any guidance on experiences

[neveryoumind987]

Hi all, im looking for some guidance on what other people have experienced. No judgements though please. They don’t help.
To cut a long story short, my marriage to DH was on the rocks last year, he was being cold and argumentative, never really playing with the kids, either working or doing jobs around the house. Things got really bad and I used to fantasise about leaving, without meaning to, I connected with this guy at work and things got quite deep emotionally with him. I shared that emotion too. Late last year I fronted DH about all of this and suggested a trial separation, I think on some part motivated by this other guy, but that didn’t really work, we have 2 DC, a 5 year old DS and a 7 year old DD, both of whom are my very existence.
Ive tried really hard to cut ties with this other guy, ive pulled back on the emotional side, and had a very clear line for some time now that that side of things has to stop. but obvs because of work I cant just block him and also im worried hes actually quite emotionally volatile.
My marriage is getting better slowly and im going to therapy to work through why I let this happen in the first place. I don’t know if I really want to be with DH but I do know that I cant cope with losing my DC 50% of the time. Hes a good dad and I wouldn’t want to cut him out like that, but I get so wrapped up in the anxiety that the OM will expose everything and it will happen anyway. Ive
In some ways im okay if my marriage broke down, all but the pain it will cause my 2 DC. So I wanted to see if anyone else had any experiences or advice on coing with this.

First you need to decide whether you actually want to be with your DH. You seem to be blaming him for pushing you into an emotional affair. You don’t seem convinced that your marriage is really salvageable and are only there for the kids.

If your main concern is losing the moral high ground if this were to come out I would end your marriage and move on. It will be hard not having your children 100% of the time but if you can remain civil with your partner it can be a start of a new chapter.

If you don’t want to leave the marriage because you see he is making changes and you believe you could be happy then you need to take accountability for your EA and not blame him. You had other options when your relationship was in a hard place and you chose the option that would make it worse. You are human. You made a mistake but own it and don’t blame him.

Secondly if it’s possible that the affair will come out I would tell him. If the relationship never became physical and he knows you were unhappy when it started, hopefully he will understand and be willing to work on it for the sake of your family. He will be more likely to be able to trust you again if it comes from you without your back against the wall. But you can’t expect his forgiveness. If he’s not then willing to that is a consequence of your actions.

Approach the situation with empathy for your husband, understanding of your failings, a willingness to do what it takes to put your family first even if it’s not the outcome you wanted.

You're had an emotional and possibly physical affair with an emotionally volatile guy you work with and now you are slowly reconnecting with your husband, do I have that right ?

You need to come clean with your husband. You are blaming him for your emotional affair because he was working and doing home repairs and maintenance and not playing with the kids. Your husband deserves the truth from you that you turned to someone else. Are you willing to do that?

If you picked an unsafe and volatile man to have an affair with, it's likely he will tell your partner at some point.

Continue with your therapy. You need to look at what inside you justified turning to another man. It might not be pretty.

If you don't split, your marriage may not look the same as it did. If you split, yes, your kids will be hurting. This is one of those mistakes you're going to have to live with. Therapy can help.

Who am I to judge? No relationship is the same. I have two grown up children, both of whom have left home. The relationship with my wife and I has been rocky for the last few years and to be fair, niether of us are perfect.

My wife is a senior accountant which is very stressful in itself. To add to this she is going through thd menopause. At times I find her to be controlling mixed with anxiety. Me, I can be self obsessed, emotionally detached and argumentative. We also haven't had sex for eight years.

We did discuss about separation but, realised, given how tumultuous our relationship is, realised we both love each other and we are both working on the intimacy side of our relationship..

I get it where you are coming from, but please persevere as it does takes time.

Good luck 👍

i dont pin all blame on him, this has been something that has brewed between us on both sides, hes been committed to making the changes, less snappy and angry all the time. and i have tried on my side, ive been going to therapy to unravel why this happened. i dont blame him for pushing me into an EA and im also not going to play the victim. i suppose what im trying to get from here is some help with coping with if it all falls apart.
i have decided im not going to come clean about it, its not the bravest move i know that, he deserves better i know that as well. but one of my things in therapy is how much im driven by fear. my fear at the moment, even though i dont have any evidence to support it, is that he finds out and ends the marriage himself.
what im trying to find out is if anyone else has been through similar and how you survived seeing your DC distressed, only seeing them 50% of the time and knowing it was all your fault.

yeah thats about right. i am trying to love him again. i dont want to just stay together for the DC, but ive also realised i cant be without them.
as i said above, im too scared to come clean and i just cant do it. so im working it through in therapy first. im letting that set the pace.
the OM is still in contact, but i have made a clear boundary that this cannot happen again, he doesnt understand it, but he is respecting it so far.
im doing the work in therapy and youre right its not pretty and its making me hate myself more and more.

The purpose of therapy isn’t to hate yourself but understand yourself. You may not always like what you learn but with that knowledge you have the power to change if you choose to do so. You have identified that you are driven by fear. So you can continue that pattern and run from your problems and worry about the worst case scenario or you can take control of your life and make choices based on the person you want to be going forward.

I don’t always think telling the person who was cheated on is the right move as sometimes it just causes pain in order to alleviate guilt. But you cannot live in fear of this happening. Either move on from it or if there is a chance he will find out take control now. It’s difficult to build up intimacy with your husband when you know you are not being your honest and authentic self. Telling him may be the thing that ultimately brings you closer together. Or it may not. But living a lie is not sustainable. It is true that the only thing to fear is fear itself.

And therapy can help you carry that without all the self loathing. Yes, there's guilt and shame. But you start from where you're at and learn from that how to make better choices.

That's why I think telling your husband is important. You're keeping vital info about your marriage from him and taking away his freedom of choice. I also think it will be worse if he hears it from someone other than you.

With an affair, even emotional, I think honesty and transparency is vital.

Would you do the same today?

I think your self loathing is saying you wouldn't, so you've made a step forward there.