Priorities - am I in the wrong?

[Theycallmemama]

I’ve been with my partner for over 10 years . We have 3 kids together . He works a job which is very long hours which means a lot of time away from the family. Over the years he’s looked for other jobs got a job, accepted it, gone to leave and then retracted his notice. It’s been this cycle now for a while.
he drives I don’t. One of my kids wants to do a certain activity but one of my other kids do soenthing that clashes with that time so unless I pull out the other child , he can’t do it as I physically can’t be in two places at once. He’s been saying for weeks now this is it he’s going to leave his job and get a better one for the family to spend time with us more and to allow our child to be able to do said activity. Not even that just to be here more as 80% of his life is spent at work. He went for a job, got it, handed in his notice , told the kids and everyone who have all been super happy and said how much better it is for him and the kids. Yet here we go again, oh I might not leave now bla bla bla . Again.
This was his last chance to stop being selfish and put his family first and he messed it up again. Honestly I’m fed up with it. He is an adult. My child is not. My child’s life is only just starting so why should his life be put on hold cos his selfish twit of a dad chooses work over them every. Single. time.

where do I go from here? I get he wants to make ends meet but this new job is so much better in every way possible but for him it would be leaving his job. I must add I left my dream job and all what I created and worked my whole life towards to start a life with him. And he can’t even do the same for the benefit of his kids.

any advice anyone because I really think this is the end of the line. He can have his job. I’ll just make sure my kids don’t miss out anymore due to him and his work commitments! 😩

If you could drive would that change things? Do you also work or is the household dependent on his wage?

Is there a reason you can’t learn to drive? how old are the kids? Old enough for you to be looking to go back to work?

I wouldn’t have myself and the family so utterly dependent on him - financially or practically.

It sounds like familiarity.
Perhaps he feels secure where he is and might be worried about losing the new job and having no income.
Could you work too to take the financial pressure off him if he got a new job?

What are the salary and outgoings in the new job compared to the current one? Will you be financially better off in the new one?

do your children have friends in their groups whose parents will be able to take them out to the activities on occasions?

its tough having multiple children and even if he was at home more you are outnumbered so there may come a time that all of your children can’t have what they want.

Are you reliant on him working? Being the breadwinner can be stressful. Can you up your hours? Could you learn to drive so he’s not the only driver?

I think a lot of this comes down to the detail. When you say the new job is better in every way, what does that actually mean? Is it less work, more stability, fewer hours and higher pay? With the job market as it is at the moment, it it as secure? That would be a big concern for me.

He can’t make a career decision based on taking a child to an extra curricular. There has to be a lot more to it. And you have already quit a job so you can be at home more but you also want the other adult to be at home more? Is it wise to have the two adults both prioritising home life over jobs?

Maybe he’s being a dick or maybe he’s being cautious and sensible.

My youngest is 6 months. The two clubs are miles apart from another so I can’t be in two places at once. And if I’m honest that’s not just the issue. The issue is his kids cry for him every night, cry when he has to leave for work then they don’t see him again for 2/3 days. He’s at work more than what he is at home. He works every birthday, every Christmas etc.

Ok I’ll reply here because your same thread on AIBU is getting much more ‘robust’ answers.

I think you need to slow down. Pause. You’ve not long moved house, so he’s feeling the pressure of paying a new mortgage. Your cars failed MOTs so that’s more expense. A month ago you were posting asking if pregnancy tests were positive.

Stop. Sort out your contraception. Start helping your children deal with the fact that you don’t always get what you want (stop blaming dad’s work for that, which is massively unfair when he’s the only one bringing in money). I hope you’re not encouraging the crying when he has to go to work but I fear you’re letting your resentment creep in.

It sounds like you’re pretty isolated day to day in the rural area and you’re taking it out on him. I don’t blame you for feeling on your own but equally he’s in a secure job and it sounds like that’s pretty important right now.

He needs to work and needs a secure job he likes. You should consider driving lessons and a part time job once you pass your test. Sounds like you feel isolated and having young children is very hard, but what if anything happened to your husband and he couldn’t drive? It’s an important life skill especially living rurally with a family.

If he moves he will lose employment rights for two years. That’s a serious loss.

Make sure it’s the right thing to do. Do everything else to improve the situation.

Get yourself a babysitter and go out just the two of you. You need to be having serious to the point conversations about life and what you both want from it.

What’s important to you?
What do you want your children to remember from their childhood?
Where do you want to be in 5 years time?
What goals are you both aiming for?

Write down questions, have calm discussions and be open to listening to each other.

Your partner may think that by working hard and getting his head down now he’ll be able to work less in the future and have more family time.

The key is that you need to be having discussions.

Also unless theirs medical reasons you need to learn to drive. You will have so much more independence and control over your life.

I agree with this. If he is he sole breadwinner, he would being a much more vulnerable position un a new job... it's not as easy as it seems ti make that decision.

Apparently OP CAN drive and has a car (that needs fixing), and works according to her other thread on the same issue in AIBU.

@Theycallmemama yes learning to drive would help but why should you put more on yourself.
He is putting his job /work before his family time and time again when he is needed .
You sound single so you may as well be .
It’s easier mentally juggling alone than doing it all when your ment to have a “partner “

Well he has to, otherwise how will bills be paid?
Prioritising paid employment over extra curricular activities that op has set up is correct. On another thread the OP is stressing about getting a child to an activity her ex set up, the advice there is 'he set it up, it's his responsibility', so the same goes here does it not'?...

Oh all that will still be his fault and the fact he works....🙄

This. I can't believe you want him to move in this job market so one of your kids can do an activity when he's the only one bringing in any money. Surely you learning how to drive is the easier option and comes with less risk?

I think it's a bit extreme to expect someone to leave a job they've just got, without having a firm offer in place for a better one.
That won't help any of you.

I'd say you should try and work more yourself if possible? And learn to drive?

You can say you want him to work less hours but as a family you clearly need the money from somewhere. And telling him to quit would be disastrous for your finances.

Your DH is under a lot of pressure financially being the sole earner, and I should imagine having been in his position myself, he feels (with very good reason) more secure where he is currently employed.

What would you do if he started a new job and it didn't work out, so no money was coming in?

Can you work to help alleviate some of that pressure? Maybe then he might feel more confident in leaving his current position, and would perhaps have more free time to do the things you ask of him.

Do you put a lot of pressure on him? If you do, that's not good. Have a thought at how lucky you are that he is a grafter. A lot of men certainly aren't!

This is a very valid point. If he is the solo earner that is a big gamble to take in the current climate.

And only last month they were trying for a 5th baby - though had 3 kids in this thread

Are you certain he’s working? Seems he has an unusual job if he isn’t allowed time off for Christmas even emergency services go on an rota and he can book A/L for birthdays. I’m surprised his employer keeps letting him hand his notice in then lets him keeps retracting it. You say he’s at work a lot but it sounds excessive considering most jobs are allowed 28 days off. Does he want to be home with the kids because if he did surely he could make that happen? I’m not judging you I would be very unhappy if this was my life. I’m not surprised you’re fed up with him constantly changing his mind.