Retirement / plans with newish DP

[Calmlynotcalmly]

Hallo, my DP and I have been together for 3 years, both divorced previously but now very happy. He’s 60, so a bit older, and he has two grown up sons. I have one DD who’s 14. We don’t live together and have no immediate plans to, but have talked about moving in together in 4 years, when DD is through full time ed. So far, all good. I love and trust him, it’s a great relationship and I hope we’ll be together in our old age.

My question is around retirement and money. He is much better off than me, and plans to sell his business in 4 or 5 years, which means he’ll be very well off. I’ve been a single parent for most of DDs life, have always worked full time but don’t earn anywhere near his level. I pay my own way though, and am independently minded. But - what would this look like when we retire? Tbh, I think I’ll be working for many years as I can’t afford not to. So he will retire, I’ll be working, I know he wants to travel and would like to do that with me. It’s certainly not his job to look after me financially so how could this work? I wondered if anyone had been in a similar situation. If we have then been together for 7 years, does that make a difference? I don’t want his money but I would like to live with him and have the security of being in a couple as we age.

I think this is a conversation you need to have with him in an open and honest way. How does he envision this will look?

Would you consider marriage at that point? Would he?

This is extremely serious and if he plans to live with you, he must marry you or at least show some benevolence towards pulling the bigger financial part. Is talking to him with open cards bad or ....what is stopping you

I think you need to have a conversation with him and say what you’ve said in your post.

What are his expectations? He can’t be blind to the financial disparity in your relationship.

When he retires is he planning to travelling without you? Or is he expecting you to be with him - if so has he considered how you will afford the lifestyle he aspires to?

You say you don’t want him to look after you financially but there’s an issue of compatibility here in the sense of if you cannot find out a way to carve out a lifestyle that works for both of you then resentment will fester in both directions.

You being expected to live beyond your means and him feeling restricted in being able to experience the retirement he envisioned.

We’ve talked about it to a point. He has previously suggested that I move in with him in 4yrs time, and rent out my house so that I get the mortgage paid off. He’s genuinely not very bothered about money - easy I know, when you’ve got enough of it! - but what I mean is that he’s not calculating about it or materialistic. I don’t think it concerns him that I earn much less.
I feel a bit uncertain about talking about it in great detail at this stage, still seems early days, and i don’t want him to think I’m after his money, which I’m not. Or it looks like I’m looking for some sort of guarantee from him. That maybe sounds irrational, but I do feel a bit uncomfortable about it.

If he wants to travel and wants company...time is more important than money.

You sound lovely!

Well one extreme is marriage and the other is you being a live in carer...which end do you lean towards.

If you feel uncertain about talking about it in detail with him, that's not a good sign. How was money discussed in your family of origin? If you live together you should be able to have open and honest conversations about money. Were you able to do that in your previous relationship?

Thanks for everyone’s replies. It’s helpful to write it down and to see what people think as I do worry about it. It’s tricky when you meet later in life and your finances are separate - I think I’ve just assumed it’s a bit off to talk about it, in case I look like some gold digger! Obviously we may not stay together but assuming we do, it definitely needs working out. I’d consider marriage long term, but I’m not sure he’d remarry - he had a bitter and costly divorce.
Thanks @Chazbots

We don’t live together @DwarfPalmetto. But if we did, I absolutely would feel comfortable about talking about it. I’m quite assertive with most things! The reluctance is more because we don’t live together, I’m pretty independent and it’s only been 3 years, I don’t really feel that he owes me anything if that makes sense. His money is his, but it will sound like I’m expecting him to subsidise me.

What's the age difference? As this makes a difference to retirement plans too. If you carry on as you are, how old will he be when you retire?

Hi. I’m 55, DP is 60. So, not a huge gap but he’s ahead of me in the sense of likely retirement age.

You say it has only been 3 years and you still feel it's early days. Yet you also say that he has talked about you moving in with him in 4 years, renting out your place and paying off your mortgage. So you are having some conversations about your financial future together.

Rather than having expectations, maybe you could approach it in a curious way. Ask him how he imagines it will be if you are living together, he is retired and you are still working. You could ask some of the questions that have come up on this thread. Not in a demanding way, just being curious about what he thinks. He obviously has thoughts about your future together.

Thanks @DwarfPalmetto. I think I’ll give that a try. That makes it more about us working out together, rather than me expecting him to have all the answers, or seeing him as a financial solution. Not having a clear idea of what I want it to look like makes it more difficult but I want to know he’s committed.

I disagree. You are looking for some kind of guarantee from him.

BUT that’s not unreasonable on your part. It’s essential before moving in with someone and renting out your house to have a VERY clear mutual understanding of how your finances will work (both independently and together).

The way I see this is that (unless you marry) he is risking nothing.

You on the other hand are being expected to rent out your home (and one shit tenant can trash it, refuse to pay rent and leave you still paying the mortgage and legal fees as you try to evict them - then fund all the renovations of damage) and potentially reduce your pension contributions by retiring on his timeline rather than yours.

If this doesn’t pan out your finances could be buggered.

it’s not about taking his money or being unfair.

It’s about having realistic conversations about the implications of his and yours life together.

I think this is a conversation for when you move in together in 4 years time, not now. A lot can change in 4 years. His business could go under and the money could be lost. You could be forced into early retirement due to ill health. There are so many factors.

It’s really a conversation about shared finances. Because retirement or no, if you move in together, you will need to share finances. It doesn’t mean you don’t have your own money and savings (Dh and I are married but we do), but you will need to figure out how to pay for your collective expenses and day to day life together. And that will depend on what the situation is at that moment. Unless it’s a deciding factor on whether you stay together, I wouldn’t be stressing about it now.

The only thing you might consider is discussing timing of his and your retirement. Because if you want to retire at, say, 60, you do need to think of the financial implications of that now. That said, retirement isn’t all travel, so surely even if he wants to travel, that doesn’t mean you need to give up work. Just take paid and unpaid leave and go travelling! With no small children at home, you will have plenty of leave and plenty of flexibility.

Thanks @mindutopia. That makes sense. Maybe I need to stop overthinking it for now. I do want to know he’s committed but looking ahead to 4 years time maybe is just not realistic.

It seems a long time to wait until the ‘next bit’ though.

I'm in a similar situation to you and I like to plan ahead but my partner just goes with the flow. I think you shouldn't worry about this yet. Give it a couple of years until you're nearer to the time because then you'll have a clearer understanding of what might happen. 4 years is a long time away.

I've inherited some money, my partner doesn't have much savings. We are both retired. I happily pay for our holidays and he contributes to the spending money.

However we have lived together for 30 years!

This. Get married if you want to stay with him.

He’d be mad to marry you, anybody in this scenario would be mad to get married and if you were the man posters would defo be saying this. I’m sure he will be wanting to protect his children’s inheritance.

I would just be planning my life as if the situation was going to remain the same with one eye on planning what you’d need it you split up. Your daughter is only 14, imo she’ll probably still need financial help past 19, she’ll be at uni until at least 21. If you give up work to travel with him then he’ll have to pay however you need to think that you’re giving up that money and possibly wouldn’t get back into that job should you split. You also need to think about providing longer term for your daughter.

Well it might sound ridiculous but I’m a bit of a romantic and I would marry him. Not yet though and not for his money. His cash is genuinely nothing to do with me and I’d sign anything he’d want me to in that respect. But I’d like to be his wife, be his next of kin and grow old together. I think we’re both savvy enough to protect our own children’s inheritances.

I think some of the uncertainty is about our currently different life stages. And yes, 4 years seems a long time to tread before we can realistically merge together a bit more.

With respect op you are not looking at what this relationship is costing you. At the moment it’s all on his terms, he is calling the shots. It sounds like you are tiptoeing around him.

Three years is a long time, it’s certainly long enough for a meaningful conversation around the future. I think you need to carefully map out your own future, finances, dreams and expectations and he needs to do the same. Talk it through and check they are compatible. Be honest about your own needs. If he wants you as a life companion he needs to work to keep you. Where are the flash points?

With respect you are too old to live your life day to day, of course you would like security and to plan.

I would also raise the idea of what living together would look like, Christmases etc and if he becomes ill, are there policies in place? Don’t just plan for the fun stuff.

I would be very wary about giving up your life and independence unless he is prepared to commit, and pay for your joint life together.

Be honest about the discrepancies in finances, don’t hide it or be embarrassed. Bring it out in the open. Be careful and mindful of the power inbalance this will bring. He needs to move to offset the differences. Your job is to protect your own assets, children and security, not facilitate his travelling dreams.

This can be easily agreed is my guess with some open conversations. Don’t be afraid to have those conversations. Flush it out and then you can take control of your own life op.

At 60 my FIL married his 2nd wife who is 12 years his junior.

He put a large sum into trust for his adult DC. They both sold their houses and bought one together as (I think) tenants-in-common. Whoever survives the other can live in the house until their death. Then FIL's half goes to DC and his wife's half goes to whomever she chooses.

25 years later they are both very happy and so are the DC.

Marry him, OP!

OP I’m in a similar situation and I’m glad to read all your replies.
I’ve also been with DP (now fiancé) for 3 years. He has an adult DC living with him and I have 3 teenage DC.
we have agreed that until my 3 DC are independence and mobile (driving) we will continue to live apart.
He gave me a large amount of money so I could but my house and am mortgage free. He has a lot of money / equity in property and so our finances are very mismatched too.
I largely pay my way when we go out. I want to.
3 years does feel a long time. I want to be married even if we live apart. He doesn’t seem as keen to marry but wanted to make that commitment to me (which was a wonderful surprise.)
good luck.