Tied financially to a depressing marriage

[D2980]

Hi ,
I have been with my husband since I was 22, now aged 44 and married for 16 years . I now find he is too introverted and boring , he hardly says much now and I just feel he isn’t what I want from a husband anymore . We have two teenage kids, once almost an adult. He is a good father to them and does everything for them too. There is nothing bad about my husband but he is becoming more moody as he is quickly becoming less interesting as a person . I admit I'm not perfect at all but I’m much more driven than him in life and I feel I like living my life in a different way now. For example, I like to go for a nice meal and a cocktail but nowadays he doesn't wnat to drink any alcohol and really doesn’t appreciate fancy meals . He will go along but in reality for him it’s just a chore and he gives off that vibe when we get there . I really want to get a divorce but the main issue is that we have taken on a massive renovation house project 4 years ago and financially cannot complete it for another two years . This means I can’t find the money to finish the house to be able to sell it … I am struggling with thinking about how I will stay in the marriage for another two years until we have money to complete it .

Could you sell the house partly renovated?

Sell it as a fixer upper. You won't get as good a price but then again you won't be paying for renos.
If you are not happy with him it's okay to divorce. You could try counselling first, but if you have fundamentally different lifestyles and desires there may be no way to resolve it.

Maybe it's time for a deep conversation about what makes each of you happy. You can look for the activities you both enjoy so you can do them together. Also, check in to make sure each is fine with the other taking time out to do separate activities.
Sometimes, you can find ways to complete the components of a renovation with a lot less cost than you might think.
I don't know your man but sometimes, all they want is a secure, peaceful home. If you are more driven, can you add more activities to your life so you can end each day more satisfied?

I guess you could separate now and continue to live together but separate lives until your renovation is complete, then sell and buy your own homes. Or you sell it as a fixed upper, but guess less than you’d get if it’s fully complete. Or you keep the pretence going for another 2yrs. Stop inviting him out if you know he isn’t enjoying it and go with friends who will appreciate the food and have good chat.

Do you think he would make an attempt to change if you told him you’re unhappy and want to end the marriage?

Have you spoken to your husband about how you’re feeling, or about how you’ve noticed that he doesn’t seem to be finding much enjoyment from life?

i honestly think you’d be off your chump to divorce - your DH sounds like a good man. Possibly set in his ways and lost his spark but that can be changed.

Marriages have ups and downs. Everyone on here will tell you to get divorced at the drop of a hat but you don’t even mention that you’ve spoken to your DH about your concerns or considered counselling.

The ‘problems’ you mention in your OP don’t seem that bad to me. Just sounds like you’re in a bit of a rut.

Think very, very long and hard before you initiate divorce because 1) the grass is not greener, 2) your DCs will be adversely affected 3) your finances will be screwed over and 4) it’s slim pickings out there - you only have to read the threads on here.

Whereas your DH will be snapped up immediately if he’s a good man and you’ll be left sifting through the dross and weirdos on OLD sites.

Wise up OP.

Sell as is and find happiness.

Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied. Your kids will be affected by the two of you showing them such a poor relationship example.

You do not have to be tied to the hose but instead sell it as a fixer upper or project.

I would readily assume that your kids know far more about your marriage than perhaps either of you care to realise, They pick up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken and sense any tension between you and he.

How is he at all a good father to his kids if he’s moody?. Moodiness is an example of emotional abuse . I bet they do not think he’s a great dad.

I hate to say it but I agree. Im not saying tough shit you should stay forever... but you owe it to everyone to at least try.

You dont say here that you've had multiple conversations and tried A B and C to no avail etc.

The renovation itself might well be making him depressed.
Its an understatement to say a 6 yr renovation is.. a lot.
It is the kind of thing that can end marriages.
Was it his dream or yours? Because rarely is it both people's idea of a good time.

The fact he has stopped drinking could also be a sign of depression - i stop drinking alcohol entirely when im feeling down as i know it makes everything worse.

One person cant be all things to you either. Do you have friends you can go out with / hobbies you enjoy?

Divorce over that?

Find common hobbies - if he doesn't like to drink now, that's fine! Go out with girl friends. My husband got into fitness recently so doesn't really drink anymore or wants to eat restaurant food. We've started playing tennis together and going to the gym. I really don't mind switching interested.

A board game? Can you go to movies? Bowling? Hiking?

Have you spoken.about how you feel? Explored any intervention? How does he feel? If discussion is had and avenues are opened then maybe some solution can be found instead of the finality of divorce.

What else do you have going on in life? Do.you work? Have friends? Your dh can't be your be all.

Do what I did for few years hobbies and music, out with friends courses anything when u have spare time to take ur mind of the next 2 years. Then sell up. Time will go quickly renovating is hard work I know but worth it in the end. Don’t sell

What did you used to do together that you both enjoyed? Maybe work at finding some common ground and look at finding some hobbies for yourself. A friend has just joined a choir that she loves and has given her a whole new social circle, her lovely (but slightly antisocial) husband is very happy just pottering at home!