Depressed husband - is it me, or him?

[Soggyspaniel]

I’m really struggling with my husband. Since we had our first child (5 years ago), he has been taking antidepressants. They really helped him overcome his mood and anxiety after becoming a dad, it was great. He’s recently come of them, maybe a few months now, and he is a completely different person. He says he doesn’t want to go back on them because he is enjoying ‘feeling things’ again.

But he’s moody, snappy, and most of the things he says to me seem like an accusation. This so far seems to be exclusively reserved for me; he’s fine with the kids and friends and family etc.

I’m becoming exhausted by it. Also confused as I don’t understand some of the behaviours and things he says, I start to feel like I’m the problem and that I am genuinely being unreasonable and irritating.

For example, when I ask him questions, he doesn’t always respond, so I ask again (nicely). He then snaps back saying YES! Im worrying that I am a nag, but if he’d acknowledge me the first time I wouldn’t have to ask again.

He’s also been complaining that we aren’t intimate enough. But he has been sleeping in the spare room because he says ours is too hot. It again feels like an accusation, but surely this isn’t my fault? He could come back into our room if he wanted to?

This morning he also asked me not to wear my nightie when I come downstairs in the morning. But wouldn’t say why when I asked. I’m now self conscious about it.

Is this usual for partners when they have depression? Has anyone else experienced? Or have you been the depressed person and been snappy with your partner? How can I help?

He doesn’t sound depressed, he’s sounds like an arsehole that’s unhappy in his marriage, sorry OP. Wearing a nightie wouldn't impact depression, he’s just a dick. If this is recent could you try marriage counselling?

Yeah new since he’s stopped his medication. He’s completely different! I could definitely suggest it.

What are you supposed to wear when you come down in the morning?!

Agree he just sounds like a pain in the arse.

Currently in the depths of marriage with a partner who is deeply depressed. We were at this point where it felt like he just hated me and snapped or ignored. Was so cold and there was no emotional support or connection. Communication was zero. Because of all this, my needs felt neglected and therefore any attraction went for him and my need or want for sex was zero. We weren’t emotionally intimate, nor were we intimate in any other way except for what felt like transactional sex that I wasn’t into at all. No focus on me and my needs just his time to quickly get his needs. This has been since Covid but got significantly worse in the last year/ 6 months. Came to a head lately and we had crisis talks. I was walking with the kids unless he fixed himself. He has to put a lot of work into himself and learning why he has been behaving like this and also dealing with the depression/ health anxiety, getting to the root cause. He’s also changed his medication. We are both now in individual therapy ( I myself have been recently diagnosed with ADHD) and couples therapy, and we are starting to communicate. It’s going to be a long drawn out road, but if there is something there worth fighting for it’s worth it. Your DH needs to get to a place where he recognises he has a problem and he actively has to want to work on himself for the sake of not only your relationship and the children, but also for himself.

You also deserve to be happy. It took me a long time to see that. I felt trapped and I covered up the pain or how I was feeling by internalising my feelings and not communicating myself. But I don’t want to live like that, I want to be happy, to feel loved and safe and to show my kids what a healthy happy home looks like. So I spoke up and demanded change. It’s important to start prioritising your own feelings and to communicate what you are feeling and what you think needs to be done to continue/ better the relationship.

good look op xxx