My partners lack of sex drive

[Bluebird61]

My partner and I have been in together five years now. He is 71 and I am 63. Please don't let this put you off, we really don't look our age. I look after yourself and if I do say it myself, I look quite good for my age. The problem is my partner never touches me, nothing at all. Years ago when he was younger he had a brain tumor. They removed his " Purtrity gland" this gland controls sex drive among other things. Since then every three months he has to have Testosterone injections. When we first got together things weren't to bad, as he would use Viagra. This helped a bit, and we would kiss and cuddle like normal. Then unfortunately in October 2021 he caught COVID very badly, didn't think he was going to make it, but thank goodness he did. Since then things just went down hill. There has been nothing, we also sleep in separate rooms because he suffers from sleep apnea and will not use his C pack machine, so therefore he snores like a grizzly bear, impossible to sleep with. So there is that also. A few months back, I was in the bath when he came home early from visiting family. I had the bathroom door open. He actually closed the door, I was shocked to be honest. When I got out I asked him why he did it. He said " He didn't know why " I was upset. I have spoken to him about the lack of sex and why he never touches me. I have explained I need to be touched and kissed and hugged and shown attention. His answer to this is " why don't I show him attention, why don't I make the first move " I have told him " for fear of more Rejection" because I feel rejected now. So what if he refuses when I try, can you imagine how awful that would be? He says but " How do I know he will" ok I don't, but I feel like I will be forcing him into something he doesn't want to do or can't do. I feel because the problem is his he should show me he wants me. So now we are back at square one, neither doing anything. The Dr hasn't been very helpful either. I feel totally rejected and don't know what to do next. Please don't say Leave him because I won't do that, he is a good man. But I want sex again before I am to old. I was married for 31yrs and my ex husband was so good at sex. Please could I have some helpful answers.

He's offered you a solution, so try making the first move.

I think things do get more challenging with sex as you get older. This might be harder to navigate in a shorter term relationship, but it's just part of communication and working together with the challenges.

Like with younger people, I'd say follow his solution, make the first move and see how it goes. If things don't improve you'll have to decide if it's a deal breaker for you, or not.

Reading what you've written there OP, it honestly sounds like a slippery slope. I know you say you won't leave him, but I don't think it's healthy for you to stay with someone who makes you feel undesired, either.

You may feel secure now but when the ones we love most (and who's opinions/actions we most value) start treating us differently, you'd be amazed at just how quickly insecurity kicks in.

His surgery resulted in a lack of desire for any physical intimacy. Although a massive shame and very much out of his control, you need to consider whether you can cope with this long term. None of you could have planned for it, but this is the card life has dealt you both. You either face your fear of rejection and try making the first move (though his surgery convinces me he won't reciprocate) and hope he does respond in the way you want, or call it quits.

OP, you are only 63, living as pals, with a ‘good man’ who is nevertheless,
denying you a fundamental human need.

It sounds like he's just getting old. He is 71 and that's a good few years older than you.

If you want sex, then you should leave the relationship.

it might be worth having a grown up conversation about how, if he can’t or won’t fulfill your needs, you find another way of meeting those. I’m talking about finding a FWB. If you’re happy with the relationship in every other way & it’s strong then this might be a solution. It would take the pressure off him, because he surely feels that, and allow for you to be have your needs met. Relationships do need to mould to the individuals & there’s no shame in seeking other sources of help