Tips for a long & happy marriage (and what NOT to do!)

[gooseygirl]

I’m 31 and have two children (8 weeks & 2 years). DH and I got married a year ago and have been together 3.5 years. We are very happy. We’re playful, we laugh, we never argue (though that doesn’t mean we don’t disagree from time to time!)

I’m writing this as I’m looking to hear from the wise women of Mumsnet. If you’re in a long lasting happy marriage, what are your tips? If it all went wrong, why?

There’s no ulterior motive, I’m just genuinely seeking advice for how to make this a life long happy ending.

Sounds like you’ve got a good start. Communication really is key to a good relationship, so make sure you make time to talk and even more time to listen. Think of yourselves as a team and not as individuals. Don’t point score. If you fed the baby and he put the toddler to bed you both worked together to meet the childrens needs and one isn’t better than the other… start sentences with “I” rather than “you” when addressing issues “I would like it
of you could please out the nappies right out into the big bin” rather than “you never put those dirty nappies in the bin!”type of thing…
18 years and counting and I honestly feel
like I married my best friend so it’s never hard. Life can be hard but our relationship isn’t.

Thanks @fourelementary I love that advice! I probably don’t check in with him enough on exactly how he’s feeling. I should make more time for that.

“Life can be hard but our relationship isn’t” is honestly so lovely. I relate to that too. We’re also in the middle of selling/buying a house and with all these stress factors around us, our relationship is like a little oasis. You’re very lucky to have had that for 18 years. Long may it continue!

I've been with DH for 36 years. We're definitely not in the never-a-cross-word camp but are very happy. We're empty nesters now and it's rather lovely.

My advice, make sure you share domestic chores and child care. I was at SAHM for a long time but DH pulled his weight. He's always been a wonderful dad.

Edited to add: and don't through the towel in if times get tough or you get a bit bored. Stick at it!

Dh and I have been together 20 years , we have a lot of banter and don’t take life too seriously, we don’t stress about things and we bounce off each other . We share household jobs and running around after the dc . We ask each other every day how our day has been and listen to each other . We always have a kiss goodnight and say I love you .

Together 23 years. Married 19 years. My only advice is to make time for your relationship. Whether that is a date night or something else. I recommend spending time together, without the kids, to keep your relationship alive.

34 happy years here.
My tips would be…
Choose well in the first place, biggest decision you’ll ever nake
Always speak nicely to one another
Compromise
Communication, properly listening to each other
Take pride in your appearance, dress up for each other
Make a fuss of each other when ever you can from tea in bed, cooking each others favourite dinner, acts of kindness to little thoughtful gifts.

46 years here. Talk, talk, and talk it seems obvious but sometimes it’s not easy, or things get in the way but make time for each other and really listen. Look after each other properly especially if they’re not well. And don’t forget to hug or hold hands even if the sex goes out the window.
We rarely had babysitters when our children were young. But we always made sure the kids were in bed early so we had our evenings together. My AC don’t do that with their families. Watching from the outside I can see the problems mounting. Good luck you have a good start.

Only on 8 years here but I’d say make time to discuss your relationship itself regularly. Are things happening that are detrimental to it like not having enough time for each other/worries and stresses that could be more shared etc.

29 years of marriage though I wont claim they all were happy some we just muddled along.

My advice
Dont becone the expert on something. Aka dont tell the other how to deal with say bed time if they dont do it your way. It defaults you as the expert and then it is your job

Raise your children to be expected to do chores (age appropriate) never make one do X chore and the other Y permanently swap regularly. This keeps a calmer household.

Talk with each other and listen to what the other is saying.

Enjoy life and your family. Count the small blessings and tell each other of them.

36 years here. Communication is definitely important, you need to be able to talk about what you both expect from each other as you move through life especially at key changes - another child, someone gets a "big" job, someone wants to move location. Nothing kills a relationship faster than resentment. I also echo a PP in saying don't give up when times get tough. We had our rocky patches but have now got to a very happy place where we spend a lot of time together, travel a lot and generally have a great life. DH starting his own business helped as it gave him more time for family and luckily it has been (mostly) a financial success. We used to joke that I was able to spend my working life in the NFP sector because DH didn't.

Remember that you will still be together in 30yrs time and make time for yourselves as a couple.

Laugh. Often. If you can recognise when a minor irk you’re feeling is about to turn into a bicker and divert it into a joke instead, you’ll avoid a multitude of stupid, daft arguments that eventually build up into resentment. DH and I have only been together a relatively short time, but each of us have parents who have been married for decades (mine 45 years, his 53) and we learned this from them, and we carry it on.

Thank each other, regularly, even for the small things. Compliment each other, including telling the other how good they look and attractive you find them. Feeling unappreciated or invisible is a massive killer of love, patience, and libido.

Also, when you do disagree or argue, take a moment in your head to reflect on why you’re doing it and what you want the outcome to be. The goal should be to reach an agreement, not win a fight.

I have a friend who’s a relationship counsellor of twenty years and she says the biggest indicator, when she has a couple in front of her, of whether the counselling will be successful is whether they want to use the time as a space to talk openly and with some guidance about their differences and disagreements and how they can get on the same page; or whether they’re looking for a space where they expect her to act as a referee, each wanting to be told they’re right and the other is wrong, wanting to score points and feel vindicated rather than reach peace.

Thanks all! Lots of common themes on here. We do really well with a lot of this stuff but I do think I need to make more time to properly talk. After considering this thread I realised that the only time we really talk uninterrupted is our weekly car journey to see my parents. Even though we generally have our evenings to ourselves we’re always watching something etc and not necessarily just focusing on each other.

I need to make sure we’re remembering to nurture the relationship!

Recognising when you’ve been a dick, or made the other person sad/angry/whatever. And owning it, apologising with no reservations.

Being silly. Seeing humour and laughing can stop small things becoming big problems.

Telling the other person what’s happening in your head rather than expecting them to guess, then being pissed off that they didn’t guess right.

Kissing like you mean it.

“I know several couples who are perfectly happy. Haven’t spoken in years.”

The Dowager Lady Grantham

An unshakeable commitment that you are sticking together no matter what.

Making time to talk and to listen. Being on each other’s side and wishing the best for each other. Going out of your way to do considerate things to lighten the other’s load. Personally, I never speak negatively about my DH to anybody outside our marriage. My respect for him is too high, I speak directly to him in private if needed (rarely!)

After children especially, maintaining regular date nights. Go out for a walk, go out for dinner, go to the cinema/theatre, but go just the 2 of you.

We met aged 23 and 24, been together almost 16 years and married almost 11 with 2 children (aged 6 and 4). 🥰