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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I DON'T RECOGNISE HIM ANYMORE

17 replies

mumofabby · 27/05/2008 11:00

I think I just need to have a good rant about this as I'm sure my poor mum must be sick of hearing me going on about it. I think my husband is suffering with depression and I can't get him to do anything about it. He has changed so much in the last couple of months from someone who was my best friend, my soulmate and most importantly my husband and father to his children and I just don't know what to do . I even took him out for a meal so we could have a nice evening together and also so I could talk to him about my concerns because I want the person a married back. He has turned into someone I really don't like and our relationship has gone from me loving to spend time with him and going out when we can to not being able to bear spending time with him. He picks on every little thing with me and the children, nothing we seem to do is right. He's moody, irritable, argumentative, has no enthusiasam for anything, spends most of the weekend in bed and can be really nasty to all of us , but always manages to be Mr Nice in front of some people so that if I tried to talk to them they just wouldn't know what I was talking about. I just don't know what to do, I feel so fed up and miserable and in some ways guilty as this is my second marriage and don't want this one to fail and I don't want to be a failure and at the moment that's the way I'm feeling . He does very little to help around the house in fact he just says "well if you don't want to do it just leave it". I've tried so hard to make a nice house for all of us not just me and it's just so frustrating and sad to see he just has no enthusiasm anymore and there seems to be nothing I can do to change things or help, I feel totally helpless and just don't know how much more of this awful atmosphere we can take and what it will take for him to admitt he needs help. I'm sorry for rambling.

OP posts:

InigoMontoya · 27/05/2008 11:16

He does sound depressed.

What happened when you went out for a meal to talk?

Could you write him a letter similar to what you've written here, suggesting that he go to the gp?

Niecie · 27/05/2008 11:19

You're right, he does sound depressed.

Can you pinpoint a particular time when it started or has it been a gradual decline. I just wonder what has triggered it.

Original poster

mumofabby · 27/05/2008 11:55

I thought the meal, being just the two of us would be a good opportunity to tell him my concerns but wasn't sure how he would react as he is not one you can easily talk to and never has been but I thought I had nothing to loose and would give it a go. When I first voiced my concerns about him he was not happy at all and went very quiet and when he did speak he went into his "headmaster's voice" and very patronising. Then as the evening went on I thought I was eventually getting somewhere but since then he has still done nothing about it and in fact it has got worse. If I try and say anything he just doesn't know what I'm talking about and ends up making me feel stupid . He now not only takes it out on me but also the children, which makes me really sad. When I try to intervene on their behalf or stick up for them he then has a go at me and it just ends up making matters worse. He is like Jekyl and Hyde. The person I met and married seems to have gone and I don't know what to do, it's so sad and upsetting, I want to help him but I'm sad to say that it's getting harder and harder and I am ending up resenting him and disliking him. He doesn't even know he's doing it.

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Niecie · 27/05/2008 12:30

How are other parts of his life? Is he having trouble at work or with his family?

To be honest men are very bad at facing up to problems, particularly the mental health kind. I don't know how you get him to go to the doctors or to a counsellor.

I am wondering if it is worth you taking a trip to your GP to see if they have any ideas how you can handle it. Maybe explain his behaviour and see if they think it is worth trying to get your DH there as well.

Original poster

mumofabby · 27/05/2008 12:46

I think it started in his last job which was very stressful and even though he is now in a job which is far less stressful and which he enjoys I think his last job is what has triggered this depression off and nothing I say or do seems to help, he seems to be in total denial. It is having an effect on me and the kids and really making life in general so miserable. Thanks for your advice but i've tried going to the gp and unfortunately they can do nothing unless he goes himself and admitts there is a problem. It's so sad because he isn't the man I married and although this might sound selfish I have to think of myself and the kids as well and we can only put up with being treated like this for so long, it's so frustrating waiting for him to realise what he has become and the awful way he is treating the ones who care about him and only want the man we love back. I don't want to give up on him but he is making our lives a complete missery.

OP posts:

Niecie · 27/05/2008 13:01

This a very risky approach and so I mention it only as a last resort but maybe it is time think about issuing an ultimatum - if he doesn't get help them you are going to have to leave.

Sometimes we are so caught up in our own little worlds that we forget the impact we are having on others and we need a shock to see that they are suffering too.

You have to be prepared for him to call your bluff which is very hard, I know. However, I can't see how you can get him to understand the effect he is having on you and the children if he won't listen to reasoned argument and is passed the point where he will do things to make you happy.

Ultimately, though, you can't carry on living like this yourself and it will get to the point where you are better off leaving anyway if he doesn't get help or at least tell you what the problem is.

littlewoman · 27/05/2008 13:04

It isn't selfish to want to be treated with respect,MOA. It is a basic human right, I'd say.

Original poster

mumofabby · 27/05/2008 13:16

That is something I have thought about but only as a last resort. I think he would call my bluff.

He did say when we first spoke about this very resentfully that he would go to the doctors but only if I made the appointment and I said that he should make the appointment as I want him to be in control of this problem and if we had gone to the doctors he would probably have said that he didn't have a problem and left me to explain why I made the appointment. If he made an appointment he would then be acknowledging that he has a problem and as far as he is concerned there is no problem and it's all in my mind.

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Anniegetyourgun · 27/05/2008 13:24

cough cherchez la femme cough

Possibly not, but when a man changes all of a sudden like that... well, there's more than one possible cause. That's all I'm saying. I hope I'm completely wrong, of course.

Niecie · 27/05/2008 13:30

I did wonder about that Anniegetyourgun but did say anything as my next point was going to be if he does call your bluff mumofabby, where do you think he might go?

He could be behaving badly precisely so that you do call his bluff and ask him to move out. Decision is made for him and he doesn't have to explain himself. Cowardly way of doing it though.

If he grudgingly agreed to go to the doctors I think it might be worth a try making an appointment for him. The doctor knows you are worried and I am sure he has seen people in denial before. It doesn't matter at this stage that it wasn't his idea but maybe it will get through to him that you are serious and he needs to go.

Niecie · 27/05/2008 13:31

'didn't say anything' not 'did say anything' obviously.

Original poster

mumofabby · 27/05/2008 13:45

I definitely don't think it's that. In the few years have gained a lot of confidence and am in a job I like and since having my daughter (who is now 4) and starting a new job have made lots of new friends and where I have a good social life outside of home he doesn't ever go out and that is something else he seems to have become resentful about. He used to go out, not a lot, but he did and now he never goes out. He has been really nasty about me going out and he never used to be, he used to be quite happy and we used to have a good mix of us going out together as a couple and me going out with my friends and it never used to bother him. He is very resentful about money as well, eg if I offer to help out with anything or pay for something. This whole situation has got so complicated it's even getting my mum down who said she feels like crying for me.

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Niecie · 27/05/2008 13:58

Well, if he isn't late home and he isn't going out much it probably isn't an affair, no.

Get him to the doctors. Doesn't matter who makes the appointment but makes sure he goes and the doctor can at least see what he is like. If he sticks in the room long enough, and the doc is on the ball perpahs he can make him see sense. I think even if he refuses to speak which is frankly childish, the doctor will see this is not normal adult behaviour. It might make all the difference for your DH to hear somebody else say 'I think you are clinically depressed'.

Would he let you go in with him, do you think?

There is no chance, is there, it isn't like one of those stories you hear sometimes where the husband loses his job and can't bring himself to tell his family so carries on pretending that he goes out to work every day?

Sorry, clutching at straws now but I don't know how to help you, help him, help himself!

You have my sympathy - I have a DH who won't discuss anything as well and although he isn't in the same situation as your DH it is incrediably frustrating to not get anything out of them, isn't it.

littlewoman · 27/05/2008 14:04

Does it really matter who makes the appointment? I do understand your logic, but so long as he goes to the doctor that is an admission of sorts surely? If he absolutely disagreed that he had a problem, he would just refuse to go at all.

Seabright · 27/05/2008 19:58

I would make the appointment for him and maybe drop a letter in to the doctor explaining why you've done it, what the background is (in neutral terms) and that DH knows you've made the appointment for him. That will pre-warn the doctor about the denial and maybe save some time so they don't need to go round the houses once he's in the surgery

Seabright · 27/05/2008 19:58

Original poster

mumofabby · 28/05/2008 16:46

Thanks for everyone's advice . I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet, but it is reassuring to know that he isn't the only "man in denial" when it comes to problems, it's a good job women arn't like that otherwise nothing would get done and the house would grind to a holt .

I really don't want to leave him as I already have one failed marriage behind me but at the end of the day I now also have a child to consider and my other concern is the awful atmosphere she is living in at the moment and I won't put up with being treated liked indefinitely . I have the support of a lot of good friends and a great mum who is always there to help. I'm going to take each day as it comes and for the time being just hope that he does realise what he's putting us all through with the way he's acting and hope he will do something about it.

Will let you know what happens.

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