Those who have been in an abusive relationship how did you finally get out and what was the final straw? Now that you are out has life significantly improved? Looking for some words of support as I know looking at my situation rationally I need to get out. But feel so stuck in the trauma bond and like my brain has totally shut down and that I have lost the ability to make decisions and am feeling totally numb and like things aren't real. We have been together 7y and 2 young kids and technically engaged. Day to day I often feel like it's not that bad when he is around but often feel confused and then very relieved if he isn't around and then anxious when he returns.
In summary:
- he is a secret alcoholic, often 20-30 units a day, hidden bottles of spirits often found. Claims not to have drunk for 2 weeks now and I think likely has significantly cut down (found one small bottle of wine hidden today but that's it).
- has been drink driving multiple times, I have called the police twice when sure of it but they didn't pull him over. Often teaches drunk and I am sure had picked up the toddler from nursery drunk as found open whiskey in his bag after getting in with her (I'm not allowing him to drive the kids at all now).
- regular verbal abuse, in response to the most minor of things like being asked to help with something around the house, I am regularly called a sociopath, manipulative, controlling, lazy, part of the Gestapo, and sometimes b*ch or c*t.
- Regular disappearing acts, posted about on another thread recently. E.g. last weekend for 80h in response to me trying to talk about finances. He then admitted he had gone to stay at a spa hotel by himself and has done this several times recently, when I am paying for a house renovation.
- Threats disguised as jokes e.g. 'I'll have to get you killed then' or saying he will be installing cameras in every room in the house with an intercom only he can access so he can check on what everyone is doing.
- controlling behaviour e.g. not allowing me access to the office in the shared house as claims it is only his, telling me not to wear certain things, not supporting my dietary preferences e.g. getting me all dairy chocolate for Easter when he knows I avoid it. He won't allow me to do any work at the weekends but will book work whenever he wants to.
- Neglect of me and the children. Total refusal to get up overnight to help with them, not helping with basic household jobs, booking to work when he is meant to be looking after them and then putting the toddler in her room by herself without a monitor or potty, having a nap while meant to be looking after a 1 year old and she was crawling round the floor, not changing toddler when wet herself etc. He told me not to disturb him the first night I was home after a c section and arranged to work the evening our second was born so wouldn't pick me up from the hospital and I had to make an excuse to stay in the night. I don't leave the kids with him unattended now and have booked them into nursery for an extra day on the day he is meant to look after them when I go back to work. (He doesn't know this yet and will go mad).
- has smashed objects when angry like a door and mug.
- has pushed me when trying to get to our distressed toddler when he was too drunk to give her a bath. Has blocked my way out of rooms sometimes.
- yesterday locked me and the kids in the garden as he wanted to work in the kitchen and not be disturbed. Did unlock it when I was cross but no apology.
- Pretends entire conversations/arrangements have not taken place. E.g. forgetting to come home when I was meant to be going out for the evening when it has been discussed 3 times then shouting at me.
- I had to pay for both of my maternity leaves with my own money and save up for them/have had to stop putting any money into savings for 4y due to paying for these when he has been able to keep saving. Sometimes withholds money from the joint account.
- Tries to isolate me from family and certain friends. Sabotaged both my parents 70th birthdays by being rude. Shouts at my Mum so they have stopped visiting. Has deleted himself from family whatsapp groups.
- public humiliation, yelling at me in a restaurant then storming out and refusing to pay the bill so leaving me to cover it.
- I think is getting into financial crime with his criminal father who he had previously told me he would have no further contact with.
Day to day he can sometimes be so charming and is very convincing to the outside world so I worry about being believed (I am gathering evidence through recordings and kept a log etc). I have an IDVA involved now and while she obviously isn't meant to tell me what to do she has essentially said to me i need to get out and that she thinks there is a 99% chance this will become violent from her experience. I just feel so embarrassed that I have got myself into this situation and about how to tell family (several friends are now aware). I am going to potentially need family support to try and buy him out of the house but don't feel I can ask. I also know it will all end up in family court and be very stressful.
Sorry that has become very long. I know it is very obvious from the black and white what I need to do. Am just finding it hard to decide when is the moment/final straw to tell him and worried telling him will lead to violence in itself.