Separated from husband for years, he died

[Conflictedfeelings]

A number of years ago I married a man and quickly realised he had issues with alcohol, later drugs and it wasn’t long before he became abusive, the usual story of blaming everything by and anyone but taking no responsibility. It took a few years to fully extract myself from the relationship but I never divorced him because at that point I was just glad he seemed to be leaving me alone and I didn’t want to remind him I existed, we didn’t have any children.

Recently he died and I was informed by the police as we were still married. I’m not sad he’s dead, he wasn't a good person. He died alone with his issues, I’m not shocked by that, to be honest I expected his life to end as it did. I knew he would spiral downwards, I don’t feel guilty about that, I am not and never was responsible for him.

I just don’t know how to process my feelings, I’m not sure I know what my feelings are but I am thinking about him frequently and having nightmares about him.

You probably have conflicting feelings.
It will pass. Just be extra kind to yourself f9r a few days.
It sounds like the marriage was traumatic for you, so there is processing to be done.

It's complicated isn't it? My ex DH, father of my adult children, is still alive, but living in awful circumstances having pushed away everyone who ever loved him.
I think he will probably die early and alone due to unhealthy habits and self neglect. I think we'll all probably have nightmares too.
I wish you all the best as you try to come to terms with your ex's death 💐

Thank you both, I suppose I thought I had processed my feelings and worked through things and now I feel a bit blindsided finding myself thinking about him and having nightmares.

Hey. I’ve posted on other similar posts with probably different usernames but my alcoholic ex-h died a few years after we divorced and I also found it really hard to process my feelings.

I was “lucky” (?) enough to be with him when he died alongside his family members, so it was a bit more real and I was able to say a goodbye of sorts at the time. I also gave a eulogy at his funeral, despite the fact we hadn’t been on speaking terms really for years. It was important for me to acknowledge the time we HAD been together, even if it had ended badly due to his addiction.

I still feel sad every year round the anniversary of his death and it’s coming up a decade.

Basically, let yourself feel your feelings, whatever they might be. It’s okay to grieve even if you weren’t together. You’re grieving what you once hoped for your future.

Take some time, do something significant like plant a bush or say a prayer or light a candle or whatever ritual thing will help you to process.

You were married to him, so at one point in the past you must have had good feelings/love for him. Maybe you are thinking back to the good old days. Maybe.

I think in time, you just have to make your peace with his death and move on. Easy to say I know. Can you talk this over with anyone, an issue shared is halved sometimes.

Do you have any input into funeral arrangements or anything else to do with his death? That could bring a lot of things back aswell.

At the end of the day he was your husband albeit separated. The ties weren't really broken by divorce. Maybe that's on your mind?

I hope you get through any problems or issues associated with his death. Has he any family of his own?

The dreams are a normal part of processing it, but they can be really distressing and confusing. My son's dad died a year or so after we separated, having descended into serious mental illness that I couldn't save him from. It wasn't a healthy relationship and he could be incredibly coercive. The mixture of sadness and relief, and finally feeling 'safe' that came with his death took a lot of time to process. I regularly had dreams that he was back and hadn't actually died, but they're no way near as regular 4 years later. Be gentle with yourself. Everything you're feeling is valid.

It’s normal. But you’re not feeling guilty (quite rightly) so that’s good. sadness and confusion mean you’re human…. It will take a while, just give yourself time and space, be with good people.
Do you need to be involved with the process at all now (other than going to any funeral)? Did he have a will, name an executor, did he have a pension? You might find there’s some stuff that is going to fall your way as on paper, you’re still next of kin. If so it might feel daunting right now, but it might actually be therapeutic having to sort practical rather than emotional load.

Are you expected to sort out his estate and his funeral?

It must be so strange for you after having nothing to do with him for so long. There's no right or wrong reaction. Go with how you feel.

He has family so I redirected the police to them, I don’t want to have anything to do with any arrangements unless absolutely necessary. I have no idea about his financial status, will etc, it’s been some time since I have had any contact with him and again unless I have no choice I want no involvement. His family do know where I live so I am contactable, I’m going to to assume any official dealings will take a while as it is classed as an unexplained death so will be investigated.

I suppose part of it is I created a little bubble for myself, filled with good people, I have a happy life and still he’s managed to taint it, my life feels blighted by him again.
I have a lovely partner and wonderful friends who have said I can talk to them about it and anything I feel is ok and they will support me but I don’t want to talk to them, I don’t want this seeping in to the life I have worked hard to build.

And at the same time I feel those things I also feel sad, he could have had a different life but chose a way to live which meant the way he died was almost inevitable.

One thing I’m grateful I did years ago, the list was for any time I felt weak or sorry for him or felt pulled back or guilty, along the lines of remember every special occasion ruined, things he did to make me feel bad or get his own way. The list was really useful, its probably the reason I don’t have any feelings of responsibility or guilt now, a stark and unpleasant reminder of his choices.

You probably don't want to admit it but you must of loved him deep down and realised that it was the alcohol being abusive and not him which hurts even more. There is no excuse for anyone being abusive to the person that they love which probably destroyed him even more than it did you.
You say you can't stop thinking about him., are these thoughts about the good times or the bad ones?

I lost my H last year. He died shortly after we’d separated. He didn’t leave a will so under the rules of intestate I inherited most of his estate and pensions and the DC each inherited a % of the house and his assets.

many conflicting emotions…

Do you know who will administer his estate?

I definitely did love him at one time but that was eroded by his actions. I’m not dwelling on anything in particular it’s just random thoughts and memories, good and bad, as soon as my brain in unoccupied something relating to him pops up.