My son has an absent Father as does several of my cousins. The cousins are all very successful despite not having their Fathers, they’re consultants, Oxford graduates, vets, architects. One set of cousins at some point were told by their absent Father if they didn’t make an effort he’d write them out his will, they said go ahead (this is a man who was absent living on a different continent throughout their childhood). Remember you are still dealing with the same character that abandoned you.
My own son’s Father I was tempted to write to him once his hit 18. His Father left me pregnant and said some awful things about being a single parent inferring my son would be a waster. I come from a different class from his Father so perhaps his views were based on that ignoring I was solvent and have different values. He didn’t make an effort and not heard from him in 18 years. I was tempted to write to him to tell him the good news that his son is his family’s highest achiever and off to a top university and a lot of childish crap to wind him up. I then thought he’s living in a cheap overcrowded house got three kids who almost certainly will not have the educational opportunities of my son. His poor wife with no career or money just to walk away. I strongly believe his wife doesn’t know about his first son. What’s the point? His Father is a social climber and would like the kudos 18 years later after doing precisely nothing, but there’s no moral compass or empathy with these folk. Life has its ups and downs, you don’t want the kind of characters in your life that can’t deal with curved balls, they’re useless trash.
Not once has my son shown an interest in his Father. I ordered his half siblings birth certificates which shows their address have shown their house on right move to my son. My son feels he Father will be embarrassed at where he lives but I doubt it, he called me a gold digger whilst dating when I owned a house outright and he had debt, some people are delusional.
After a lot of reflection and seeing lots of very successful people with totally absent Fathers from a young age I think it’s best to walk away. We all want a happy ending or them to feel remorse and show the values you’d expect in a decent person, but sadly any man who doesn’t put his children first is inadequate and would sooner bring you down that step up and put things right and show some humility. They instead will blame others for their shortcomings.
I have known people to meet their Fathers years later. The type that chasing up their Father is usually vulnerable and it’s a disaster. Although I did know of a man dying who met a daughter he had abandoned as a baby, he did feel terrible guilt but I know his elderly wife well and much as she loved him she acknowledges he was always incredibly selfish. Think about the character of man who does this to a baby. Are they worth meeting? Think about their family’s? What kind of values do they have where they can do that to grandchildren? I know if my son got someone pregnant he would be in absolutely no doubt about his responsibilities, what kind of parent raises a man with such a dodgy moral compass? I can get wanted to know your roots but it’s better to surround yourself with good supportive people, inviting these types into your life is inviting a great deal of stress into your life.
Sorry.