How would you define emotional abuse?

[Viewsaremyown]

I’ve Googled and read all the official definitions, but for me, there’s so much grey area.

Mumsnet threads on this topic are so often black and white, which is absolutely RIGHT when it’s unequivocal that abuse has taken place.

Without a big long explanation, in my case, DP definitely meets some of the criteria, but not all the time, and some of those behaviours are probably typical of many relationships with disagreement and argument. So when does it become emotional abuse vs a toxic relationship? How do you know?

I think you should stop trying to put "diagnostic" labels on it. Working out whether to continue a relationship should be all about whether you feel comfortable, safe, and happy in it. If you don't, there may be complex factors in play, including emotional abuse. But recognising it often doesn't happen until many years later, in retrospect, when you have left that relationship and are no longer conditioned by it to accept some things as normal.

The only way out of a bad relationship is to somehow locate your own inner compass again. Listen to how you feel in the moment, and if you're in the habit of dismissing or overrding those feelings, try to stop doing it. This takes practice. Odd things help, like Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way

My first marriage, in retrospect, was definitely emotionally abusive. I try not to think of it in those terms because we were both just doing the best we could within our limitations and a lot of his behaviour stemmed from anxiety, particularly (ironically) the fear of losing me. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did, but no one can ever give you a black-and-white rubberstamp that it's OK to leave. You have to work that out for yourself, and if you want to leave, that's enough to do it.

And all that is easier said than done, because if you have got into the habit of self-effacing, working out what you actually want can also be hard to separate out from what you feel other people need from you! Again, odd though it might sound, The Artist's Way can help to put you back in touch with your own self-direction.

good luck OP

It's difficult to describe but I wanted to just say in response to your comment that it's not all the time that 'not all the time' is part of the cycle of emotional abuse. If he was awful to you all the time, you'd leave, and you'd feel confident in your decision to do so.

It is not evidence that you are exaggerating, that the unpleasantness is normal, that things are ok really. It is not enough to cancel out the abuse. It's just a trick and it's not the 'real' him. It's just a weapon in the toolbox that keeps you pinned in place.

You talk about abusive v toxic relationships. I would like to ask what makes you think a toxic relationship isn't abusive?

Both are relationships you are justified in leaving.

Both abusive and or toxic relationships are bad.

You need to remember that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You are also not a rehab center for such a badly raised man.

Am certain he is all sweetness and light to those in the outside world but behind closed doors with you his true nature emerges.

Not all abusers are nasty all the time because if they were no one would want to be with them. The nice/nasty cycle of abuse they practice on their target ie you is a continuous one.

You only need to give yourself permission to leave.