Relationship dead in the ground?

[GoodnessGraciousMeUhOh]

Weve been together twenty years and I guess things are just stale these days.
We don’t have anything to talk about other than the kids & the garden mainly because he doesn’t really have a conversation these days unless hes had a drink which is a rarity!
We had a really good sex life, but its trailed off over the past 2 years.
Every time we have sex he can’t last more than a minute or two. And then hes happy!
It has gotten to the point where I just actively avoid it as I don’t see any point to it, I don’t get anything out of it and it just leaves me feeling like shit.
I feel like its down to lack of inmaticy - when hes not at work he just likes to lounge around in bed watching TV or playing games with his friends.
I do the lionshare of everything. The only time I get a break is when hes at work or visiting his friends as he doesnt really go out and do anything else.
If i plan to do something as a family after a hour or so he always wants to leave to go home to do nothing!
We dont drink together, if we eat together its usually sat in silence and we havent been on a date just the two of us in ten years due to no childcare, he hasn’t even bothered with birthdays/christmas in 4 years either. Last year I worked my arse off looking after his mum who had a terminal illness as him & his siblings just seemed to do nothing. I got her a hospice place and cared for her for 6 months and i just feel so unappreciated its unreal. He always says thanks for doing it - but its just words if you get me.
Is my relationship just dead in the ground?

If you’re thinking along these lines then I would say you have nothing to lose by talking to him about it, and depending on the outcome then yes.. may be over.

if he’s feeling you’ve drifted apart too and willing to try- more together time, if your kids are older/have friends who can have them for sleepovers etc then organise a date night, just more interaction in general!

can you really see yourself spending another 10/20/50 years like this not getting anything out of your relationship?

I cant get childcare for DC as both have disabilities which you need to be trained for and it seems to scare people off. My parents won’t even have them.
I’ve spoken to him a few times he says its because we rarely have sex hes like that, and he’ll make a effort to change or another favourite of his is -thats in the past, im not talking about it now… but two days later it’s back to this! It is like his default setting is either work or lying in bed. I’m so bored.
If we spilt up it’s such a headache of selling the house, id also need to move DCs schools etc to move closer to my family.

What would your life look like if you separated?

It sounds salvageable to me, if he wants to work on it and himself as well. If he doesn’t, then that’s a problem.

He's completely disengaged from your relationship and family life. He wants to use you for a 2 minute pump and then you can go back to being the household drudge.

Yes, good question, what would your life look like without him? Would you actually be entitled to more disability benefits/respite care as a single parent?

does he do much with the kids? Would he be able to care for them on his own if you split?

it sounds dire if you have already given him chances to change…

He's stuck in his ways, in a lifestyle that suits him at your expense.

Probably if you held a gun to his head ("I'll leave you unless..."), he might change a couple of things... for a while. But the dynamics of a long-term relationship tend to get set in stone, and not just because of how he is but also because of you are. For example, in my first marriage (a clue to where this is going!), I did 90% of everything, partly because it was too painful to see him floundering and even though I knew things weren't actually "my job" - oddly, they felt as though they were, so when I didn't do them I sort of felt I was slacking (whereas that would never have crossed HIS mind about not doing them).

Based on what you've said, I can pretty much guarantee life will start to perk up considerably without him in it weighing you down. If you can find a way to manage going it alone, please don't hesitate. (Think of what all this could look like in 20, 30, 40+ years if you do nothing.)