Loneliness and in a slump

[Petesdragoness]

Looking for suggestions on how to beat this, because I'm feeling a bit trapped.

I'm mid 30's, female, married with a primary school ages DD and I've got a fairly recent, but now chronic disability - Severe fatigue and mobility which means I can't move far and I can't do things for long without needing to sleep.

My issues as below;

• I no longer have friends, no "group chats" or someone to send silly things to.
• Due to disability I work mostly from home so I don't speak to people at work for social aspect
• I don't feel connected to my husband anymore, we have very little in common anymore and he shows no interest in anything I say or do.
• No 'village' to rely on so my DD is with us all the time
• I have interests not typical of the school mums I know - more metal music, gaming, fantasy films, horror and I struggle finding things to talk about if it's not about kids.
• I've developed a massive crush one of my husband's friends after meeting them for the first time recently due to them being more like myself and they are physically more my type. But it could be the loneliness. I've literally lost weight from feeling sick about it.

I'm not sure what advice I need but I'm not sure what to do to get me out of my slump. I spend a lot of my time talking to strangers online and it feels sad.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I don't have your disability issues so I'm not sure what to suggest regarding that, but I certainly understand the trapped feeling of that stage in life.

As you say you don't have a 'village' around you, do you have family elsewhere - could you consider relocating (given you wfh might not be too difficult?) so you have people around to support you?

I definitely spend way too much time talking to strangers on mumsnet and really ought to break the habit.

I'd usually suggest finding a club or something you enjoy to meet new people but I'm not sure how doable that is for you? Or using one of the friend making apps/websites - there are a few out there

Thankyou,

Relocating isn't an option for various reasons but my family aren't exactly welcoming anymore. I used to have a big family network until a couple of years ago a family death caused a riff and my parents are a little narcissistic so I never get a word in when I do want to talk.

I did look at the friends apps but I joined one and panic deleted it haha I'm not sure which ones are best though. Something like a local pub quiz would be great but I can't see anything like that so far.

I do Pilates once a week and that does help as it's quite chatty but no one socialises out of it.

What about a book club or a class? If you have a local Facebook group you could post a version of your OP and ask for suggestions of groups you could try out.

Pilates is definitely good, but if you're actively looking to make social connections you probably need to look for something that has a social aspect. Most people will go to a Pilates class, hang around for a few minutes, then leave.

Good luck.

Sorry this must be really lonely!

Any local groups for people with your condition? If not could you start one eg coffee and cake in the morning when people are less tired?

Would your husband consider relationship counselling? If you're not feeling connected he might not be either.

I understand the suggestions for a book club or people with my condition, but I feel like I'm more likely going to get older people. I might be wrong. I just need some light hearted connection with people my age with my interests, somewhere I can feel normal.

I'm not sure my husband sees any problem. I think he's depressed himself and he drinks a lot but doesn't do anything to help himself. That's a whole issue in itself. I've told him I'm arguments before that I've had enough and he just says " that's not a nice thing to say" and the problems repeat themselves. He doesn't believe in therapy.

I'm your age and I go to a book club in a local bar, it's a real mix of ages young and old, and it's really sociable. However that was just a suggestion mainly based on something that wouldn't require huge amounts of energy - you need to think about what your interests are and find out what there is nearby that could align with those and with what's achievable for you personally.

Regarding your relationship with your husband, if it's really that bad and he's completely unwilling to change, you probably need to start thinking about your options. Or, if you do decide to stay, you need to develop your own interests in whatever way you can and accept a less involved relationship with your husband

Consider trying a virtual Women's Insitute - they'll be strangers online to start with but could become friends! I'd also suggest a 'real' WI if you feel you can face it (honestly, it's not all old people if you find the right one!). Just thinking about the one I'm a member of and we have people with all sorts of backgrounds, disabilities, personal situations and interests. With a group of 40 women aged 30-70 you kind of get everything!

I enjoy joined up with meetup and nothing on my area currently and I can't travel to the further ones. But I'll keep an eye out.

I think you're right here though, I'm relying on my husband for interaction and a friend and he's not that for me anymore. We're in bit of a room stage as well but becoming those room mates that only pass each other by now and again. I do need to get a life more of my own.

What about local choirs: Even if you don't have a "singing" voice they can help. Lots of different age groups and some have lots of socials. They are normally associated with churches but not always. Singing is one of the best therapies for depression/feeling down.

I used to be in choir but not my thing anymore tbh and based on my experience I'm not sure it'd be the kind of people I'd be looking to meet with. They are typically older and religious and I'm very much an atheist now 😅

Plenty of non religious choirs in my area full of younger people - even a rock choir which could be your sort of thing?

You sound a little closed down to the ideas because of the people you think you’ll find at these sorts of things, and also think that older people can’t be friends! It’s a good start surely to socialise with anyone if you feel anxious about it. I’ve got good friends in their 50s and 60s and have done since I was in my 30s (now early 40s).

I do wine tasting and camp with my older WI friends, coffee and cake with mum friends because of kids! My older friends have been a huge support during my divorce because someone ones always been there and done it!

It can be difficult to change your mindset and it's very easy to say no to things. But nothing will change if you don't change it. I'd really suggest just trying a few things - even if they don't sound 100% you, you don't have to go back if it's not a good fit, but you might end up being pleasantly surprised.

It might be best to try and reconnect with your husband first if you can OP.
Could be simple, game of cards after dinner, eat together at a table, even top trumps with daughter.

I can see that it's coming across as me shooting down ideas. I think I just have ideas in my mind if what I need from friendships and I've tried some of these ideas before. I've had older friends before but we're just on a different wave length and I struggle to be "myself"

I have made a move forward though and I signed up to bumble bff and I have some plans in place with some people already. Nothing fancy, just a coffee but I'm looking forward to it.
My husband is a bit taken back at first and didn't understand why but when we noted what social interactions and friend I have he was lost also so came round. I think he's understood a bit now.
Although he's come home pissed up and I have a feel he won't remember any of it tomorrow.

Have you tried the peanut app ?

@Petesdragoness those are really positive steps, well done!

I second PP who suggested Peanut app, I've made a mum friend on there who's become a regular fixture in our lives.