Tips on being assertive when dating?

[ComingUpTrumps]

Hi all, I’m very inexperienced when it comes to dating and very inexperienced with romantic and sexual relationships despite being in my early-ish 30s (33).

I’m getting more into dating, on the apps, and working out what my boundaries are and how I how I can be assertive as I go.

I think just getting into dating and going on dates will help me become more experienced and to understand what boundaries I want to put in place.

I’m quite a private person so I don’t really like talking to my friends or family about the dates I’m going on - unless I think there’s a serious risk to my safety. I would be grateful for some tips on how I can be assertive and keep my boundaries when dating, if anyone can offer advice on this please.

In terms of what prompted me to ask this, I’d arranged to meet a guy tomorrow for a drink for a first date. He initially wanted to go for dinner, which I think is too forward for a first date personally, so I asked if we could go for a drink instead.

We’ve been messaging for a few weeks on an app, and I found him good-looking and we initially had things to talk about. His messages then became pretty perfunctory and he stopped asking questions. I also found it hard at times to understand him, as English is not his first language. As it turns out, I actually speak his native language, and I mentioned this to him, but he didn’t register this in any messages back to me. He also kept on giving me his number on the app, but I prefer messaging on the app until at least the first date, just to keep some sort of boundary, as that’s what I feel most comfortable with.

He said we could meet for a drink tomorrow in a bar near where he lives, which I wasn’t entirely thrilled about, as it’s almost an hour away from me. I also thought he might want us to go back to his afterwards, which I know I wouldn’t want to do after a first date. Presumably, the bar would be noisy and fairly dark, so it would be hard to chat and start getting to know each other too, which is what I’d want to do on a first date.

He also didn’t make any sort of suggestion or effort to ask where I wanted to meet. I know it’s nice when the person you’re meeting takes initiative, but this felt very on his terms. This all gave me a dodgy gut feeling and I felt more and more like I wanted to cancel. I just didn’t know how to cancel via message, so I just unmatched him on the app.

Part of me wonders what the date would’ve been like, but I just didn’t get a very positive feeling from it all. The main regret is that I found him good-looking! I feel bad I unmatched him after we’d made plans too, as it obviously comes across as flakey on my part, but I didn’t know how to message him to cancel.

I want to get more assertive to know how to respond to this sort of thing more confidently in the future. I know it’s very minor in the grand scheme of things, but it would definitely help with my confidence around dating.

You've already mentioned 3 or 4 points that you're unhappy with. This now is crossing your boundaries so you bin him off. Relationships shouldn't feel uncomfortable and if they are for any reason it is time to move away.

I think part of it is thiniking we owe them something. You have to bear in mind this person has nothing to do with you, unless you decide to have something to do with him. From what you say, it sounds as though he probably has a few options on the go and keeps getting them mixed up (e.g. use of the wrong language; at the very best, he takes no notice of what you say, which is not ideal in a prospective partner). Try not to fret about being nice/fair, and as PP says, anything that makes you feel even slightly "off" about it - just bin and forget; you've done nothing wrong.

Assertiveness is like a muscle, the more you use it the better it becomes.

You can buy books on assertiveness and can learn some stock phrases if you're like a rabbit in headlights. For example, "Sorry that doesn't work for me."

Don't give strange men your phone number, stick to the apps like you're doing. Don't meet at his place or rely on him for transport. Meet half way for a coffee to see if there's a spark.

Red flags:

He's late
Blows hot and cold
Quickly becomes sexual
Doesn't ask about you
Has a 'crazy ex'
Rude to staff
Tight
Talks about himself a lot
Doesn't like being told 'no'
Doesn't ask your opinion
Doesn't see his children
Doesn't like women

Just block and move on if someone makes you uncomfortable. When it comes to sex, make it crystal clear what your boundaries are before doing anything as a lot of men are into porn.

Thanks! This was my thinking too. I do want to feel comfortable when dating, especially as I - and the person I date - are going to be getting to know each other and making ourselves vulnerable to each other as part of the. I think I made an effort to help him feel comfortable, and I think he should do the same.

Thank you. This is really helpful.

Thank you! Agree with all of this. Just to clarify, he didn’t use the wrong language. It was just that his English wasn’t always very clear or good in his messages, so I found it hard to understand him. I mentioned to him that I speak his native language, which he didn’t react to - my ability in his language isn’t amazing, but I’m pretty fluent in it, and probably have a better command of it than he does of English.

Please look for the facebook group. Burned haystack dating method. It is great for guidelines on online dating

Assertiveness whole on app/arranging a date;

Let's meet somewhere in the middle.
Stay on app until first dates (guys who pressure are just collecting numbers and want it to turn sexual mostly especially if you've not heard of it avoid).
Get the date booked in quickly and don't spend too long talking if it's weeks and weeks and weeks - it won't happen.
Same if it's pressure to meet immediately too pushy and only after one thing.

If effort is lost, lack of questions perfunctory responses, he's speaking to someone else and interest is fizzled. Remember this is normal, you can talk to multiple too, but if you're all in don't make the mistake they are (i.e. you're only talking to one personal)

Don't do anything you're not comfortable with, it's ok to say no, that doesn't work for me. Don't catch feelings or expectations until you've had many dates.

Remember words need to match behaviour and actions. Don't get sucked in to what they say only. We put meaning on stuff that doesn't exist on apps.

Have you tried speed dating in person you have a host. You have 2 minutes dates with in a group and it's a bit more of a social also you can practice quite intensively - with others who have shown up and made an effort a d just have nice in person chats which are quite safe and brief. Good practice.

Next time message in the native language something - don't drop hints. Take action :)

Until you meet people face to face you have no idea of what they're really like.

I don’t think alcohol only on a first date is a good idea if you are not telling people you are going on a date.

Especially since you don’t know the person you’re drinking with. Drink spiking still happens. Not everyone on a dating site is who they say they are.

I think you would be more comfortable having a coffee. Then if you start at a cafe, it’s relatively quiet and easier to chat. It’s also less expensive.

If you aren’t comfortable driving an hour then perhaps shorten your search radius.

And yes men will very much try and make everything on their terms.