Cant decide if I am being too picky, or just settling - or is this normal?

[BeerAndMusic]

2 years into a relationship and each day is different - one day I think I may just be settling, another day I think I am being too picky/fussy! Both have been married before, have kids from 15-19 from those marriages too.

The connection is there, tight bond, closeness, tactile, great match in the way we see life, etc. dont argue and I really do think she is amazing as a person and feel very lucky. But there are a few things that we dont agree on and some of these keep nagging at me in my head:

• She doesnt like the bf/gf label so while I put pics of us on social media she doesnt (or even want me to tag) - its almost like I dont exist there
• My love language is time together, I need to feel loved and wanted and dont always get that. Its not a negative as such, but I have always been of the mind that while I may not want to do everything she does, I will go along with it more times than not (like she wants to go to xyz on Sat) yet when its the other way round she is happy not to come, so sometimes feel like I have to choose between doing it solo or being with her
• Sex, she seems to be at 1% interest or 110% interest - in the past I have often used sex as validation of being loved so if thats not there and time together isnt, I do feel a bit rubbish. Even non sex wise we probably only spend 1 night together a week, maybe 1 night every 2.
• My ideal, is that after a period of time together (assume money, kids, houses are fine) that I would like to move in with someone, I just cant see myself being with someone for say 6 years and still living apart

We have talked about this and it's just the way we both are. No-one is right or wrong, we just see these things differently. We both see and understand the other.

On the one hand I think I am being stupid as when together I feel great, she does too and it's all wonderful. But then other times I can feel a bit neglected and almost question what the point is as there is no 'end goal' in sight and feel I am compromising on what I want. But then I would not want someone to go through the motions and agree with it if heart not in it.

At the moment it's not an ultimatum thing (from either of us), and things are comfortable. I could walk away because the situation is not exactly what I want, but the person is. But likewise I could meet someone who gives that situation but is not the same person!! I know all that sounds a bit crude, hence my question... am I being silly, picky and expecting perfection, or am I settling for a lovely person but not being true to myself?

Hmmm... I tend to think that we put off questioning whether to make a break or not because it's the last thing we want to face. So if you find yourself confronted with that question repeatedly, something's missing.

One thing I wish I'd realised earlier in life is that often my romantic relationships worked well not because of any uniquely special compatibility but because I'm a very resilient, adaptable and easy-going person. I'd think "Ah well we get along great, we hardly argue" but looking back, that's because I was very accommodating and often bent over backwards to make things work.

Staying with her sounds as though it would definitely be settling for being assigned to some rather nebulous compartment in her life that doesn't quite match what you want from a long-term relationship. If you think in terms of investing in your future, it's more like a timeshare arrangement than a home purchase.

I'm happy now in my second marriage, and the difference is that he really lights up my life and brightens my day and puts me at the centre of things. It's worth looking for that, OP. Good luck!

I think you need to be really brave and honest with yourself that you would like to live with a partner again, and be on a road to that even if it can't happen immediately. And it sounds like she doesn't, so it's probably best to walk away.

I can actually (unusually) really identify with both of your attitudes to the relationship. I would ignore the SM thing personally. But the rest… is there room for a little compromise on both sides? It sounds like you are both happy with the person, it’s more the type of relationship/how you spend time together? And that may change when all the kids have left home (within a short time).

From what you have written it appears that your love language is 'needy'. Your DP seems to be more self-sufficient. You need a lot of attention - ie sex - otherwise you don't feel validated. If she's not in the mood, which is extremely common by the way, you feel rejected. That level of intensity could be viewed as overly demanding by others.

You dont sound very compatible to me, have you talked to her about these issues? Does she not want to live with you?

Sounds to me OP like you've answered your own question... You've stated what you want and what you've described your partner to be is the opposite of just that! It seems you're settling for now until you find someone more suitable for you, so you're tolerating what you're lacking for convenience and temporary comfort. From what I've read, she sounds rather selfish and inconsiderate towards you to be honest. You'll find someone willing to put in just as much effort for you as you do for them, trust me! :)

You seem a bit needy OP and your partner doesn't. Unless one of you is prepared to compromise, there's a compatibility issue surely?

Thanks for replies.

To answer some:

• Yes, I am a bit needy, dont think it's anything OTT just wanting to be loved and I probably tend to overthink things when not 100%. She can be needy some of the time (more than me) but is often far less. Some of this I put down to the fact I am 2.5 years out of a long relationship, she had long distance one before this so was used to being more independant
• Compatibility - yes we are in so many ways but do differ too. I actually think its a nice balance overall

It has gone through my mind - if not perfect then move on. But while the person of my dreams could be round the corner could be there, I could spend the rest of my life looking for perfection and never finding it. I did date a lot between this and last ltr, and this is far better than anything else. I do see it as a list of boxes that need to be ticked - this is ticking a lot, I could move on and tick less or tick the same but different. All that stuff is important to me but I do think it's too much to give up on.

No one is perfect, OP!

As long as you continue to find it a nice balance overall, that's great, but I don't think you should feel "needy" for wanting a bit more from a relationship. It's quite normal to feel that way.

The last paragraph tell me everything to be honest. I’ve been with my husband now for 20 years.
He is the man of my dreams, I don’t need to look for perfection because I love him and nobody is perfect. I just know he’s the one. If you’re feeling there could be someone better that’s your answer. You should end it really and move on for both of you.

It has gone through my mind - if not perfect then move on. But while the person of my dreams could be round the corner could be there, I could spend the rest of my life looking for perfection and never finding it. I did date a lot between this and last ltr, and this is far better than anything else. I do see it as a list of boxes that need to be ticked - this is ticking a lot, I could move on and tick less or tick the same but different. All that stuff is important to me but I do think it's too much to give up on.

Perfection doesn't exist so if that's what you're looking for, you will always be disappointed. I'm more worried that you think it does exist. It puts way to much pressure for anyone you're involved with to try and live up to that or let you down. You do sound very needy to me, which is not attractive to anyone. Perhaps you should be on your own for a while and figure out how you can be a better partner to someone without depending on them for your security or happiness.