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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Going no contact - any regrets, or just peace of mind?

24 replies

differentcoloursdifferentshades · 17/07/2025 20:00

Interested to hear people's thoughts on going no contact with family members, and how life has been since committing to it. Many thanks.

OP posts:
Cynic17 · 17/07/2025 20:04

Peace of mind. 100%.

chiffontalks · 17/07/2025 20:07

No contact with parents since 2015. Siblings text messages only. It's bliss except when one sibling starts guilt tripping me with "dad was asking about you" , or "can you just record a video for mum, she misses you". Not everyone will understand. But it's what I needed to do for my mental health. No regrets.

Lkhhhhfgyggghg · 17/07/2025 20:08

Mine are stalker types so it has actually stolen my peace of mind rather than freeing me. They spread rumours and lies about me (smear campaign) that people have believed and I often find them following me as I go about my day and inserting themselves into places I enjoy going, either by turning up themselves or sending a flying monkey. They are obsessed and nuts.

I am thankful I don’t have to speak to them though.

Its very much dependent on the personality type of the person you go NC with I think.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 17/07/2025 20:12

Best thing I ever did. Zero regrets when they died, I celebrated instead.

Meadowfinch · 17/07/2025 20:13

A huge sense of relief.

I went NC with my f when I left for uni at 18. All that nastiness, the threats, the attempts at control, the belittling and criticism, all gone in an afternoon. I never went back.

We were still NC when he died 12 years later. By then all of his dds were NC. When the funeral was over, I could feel the whole family including dm, relax.

insomniaclife · 17/07/2025 20:14

chiffontalks · 17/07/2025 20:07

No contact with parents since 2015. Siblings text messages only. It's bliss except when one sibling starts guilt tripping me with "dad was asking about you" , or "can you just record a video for mum, she misses you". Not everyone will understand. But it's what I needed to do for my mental health. No regrets.

What about the mental health of your sibling?

Hoppinggreen · 17/07/2025 20:18

I went nc with my father around 25 years ago, 5 years before he died.
I didn't hate him, he just brought nothing but drama to my life and I was pg and just didn't want it any more. I felt very relieved and a bit sad that it was necessary
No regrets at all, didn't visit him in hospital or go to his funeral

TeddyBeans · 17/07/2025 20:23

Another 100% peace of mind. Been NC with my sister for at least 8 years. It's difficult for my DM though as my sister gives her all the grief if DM does anything with/for me.

user593 · 17/07/2025 20:25

I’ve been NC with my mother for around six months. I’m still struggling with it a bit but overall it’s better. I feel more peaceful and can concentrate on what matters (my own children).

Thelnebriati · 17/07/2025 20:26

I'm not going to sugar coat it; for at least the first year after I went NC with my mother, I felt anxiety and guilt. I knew logically it was the right thing to do as there was no way of resolving the problems, and my feelings of guilt and responsibility were the result of years of emotional abuse. I thought something really terrible was going to happen to me as a result of defying her.
I know now that reaction is called FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt.
But it didn't take long to work through that, and now my life is a lot more peaceful, straight forwards and without the constant drama.

sarah0106 · 17/07/2025 20:27

NC for my partner and his father. He was in and out his life as a child and as an adult, we had our own little boy and that’s when my partner realised it wasn’t a healthy relationship, so he basically explained to his dad how he felt. His dad spat the dummy out the pram and blocked him. That was 4 months ago and my partner says it’s been a blessing although it hurt at the time

notenoughcaffeine · 17/07/2025 20:28

No contact with my mum now for almost 3 years. I’ve felt like a weight has been lifted, I’m less anxious, stressed and genuinely happier without her in my life.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/07/2025 20:28

I did two years, which was great. Only started ‘talking’ to him again because my parents are old and they wanted me to. Fortunately the person concerned is very quiet (except when he’s having a narc rage). So although I technically am ‘talking’ to him, I’m making 1% of the effort I was before and therefore the effect is almost exactly the same.

Zempy · 17/07/2025 20:39

NC with narc mother for 12 years. Only one of her five children has any contact with her, the Golden Child. He’s as absolutely fucked up as the rest of us, if not worse.

Never regretted it for a second. Only wish I had never gone back after previous 7 year NC stint.

OriginalUsername2 · 17/07/2025 20:45

Peace of mind didn’t quite happen for me until I left the area. I was constantly on alert that I’d bump into them or some flying monkeys.

Now that life feels far away like an old bad dream.

IOYOYO · 17/07/2025 20:46

I’ve been NC with my father for nearly 10 years now. I’ve moved my life on and have less drama now that I don’t have him emotionally abusing me. However, it’s not been a case of absolute peace of mind because I’m still dealing with the wreckage that he created when he was in my life. I also still carry significant hurt over a lot of it. He’s older now and I spend a fair bit of my time wondering when he will die and how that will go down.

I think the space from him has allowed me to process my experiences and unhook myself from the trauma, and I’m definitely better off without him, but it’s not been a case of out of sight, out of mind unfortunately. However, I’ve no regrets. Best of luck.

orangetriangle · 17/07/2025 20:46

Nc with my half brother for nearly 20 years now after 2 years of contact Absolutely no regrets I can't deal with the ignorance so much damage has been done to us all by ignorance of things but these days there is no excuse for it
I have a calmer peaceful really lovely life know exactly what is what and love the no drama etc etc especially at my time of life haha

orangetriangle · 17/07/2025 20:51

to add love spending time with my other family members my only regret is my lovely mum and dad have sadly passed away
Never had any contact with my biological father since I was six years old his choice. When he died a few years ago I felt nothing as never saw him as my Dad
He caused a lot of damage to many people when he was alive though

OriginalUsername2 · 17/07/2025 20:52

I will say I still carry a lot of pain. If I get upset, all this stuff can come up. The work is never done.

Hedjwitch · 17/07/2025 20:53

NC with my sister for a year now because of her vileness after my mother's death last year. Should have done it years ago. It's bliss.

Richandstrange · 17/07/2025 21:01

NC with DM for 18 months due to her reaction to me disclosing SA by my stepfather. Early stages were hard, lots of guilt and sadness but as time (and therapy!) has gone on I've realised it was never a healthy dynamic and there is definitely relief that I no longer have to deal with her mixed in with other emotions. I miss her much less than I expected and I've made some quite big (positive) changes in my life since NC that I know she would have disapproved of and tried to talk me out of so it feels good to trust myself without her knocking that all the time, I feel brave and strong now.

There's pain too of course, I feel very hurt and let down that she's chosen to support him rather than me but that makes NC easier rather than harder tbh. I wonder how she is sometimes, wonder a lot how she's managing NC her end, how she's explaining it to wider family/friends and managing her own emotions as we were very close before all this.

Overall it's better than the alternatives, not disclosing and having to continue carrying the weight of what he did on my own or trying to have some sort of half relationship with her where we have to try to ignore the elephant in the room, I tried both before NC and neither were bearable for me so here we are. It hurts that she didn't fight harder for me but the fact that she didn't just confirms I'm doing the right thing.

mindutopia · 17/07/2025 21:26

The only regrets I have are that she (my mum) was not able to change and live a healthy, functional life. I have absolutely no regrets that she is no longer in mine. In fact, the thought of it gives me a panic attack frankly. Except for the occasional harassment, it’s been so, so peaceful these past few years.

differentcoloursdifferentshades · 17/07/2025 22:27

Thank you so much for all the responses so far everyone. I appreciate the honesty and commend your bravery.

OP posts:
JayJayj · 17/07/2025 22:48

I haven’t spoken to my “sperm donor” since shortly after my 21st birthday. I’m 40 this year.

He never tried to reach out or ask why. Shows me I did the right thing. I was no longer being disappointed in having such a shit dad who never ever thought of me. I wish I’d done it sooner.

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