Feel so sad and worthless

[Purplerain999]

Please help me make sense of this. I feel so low and worthless. DP of 19 years (no DCs both 49) ended our relationship a few weeks ago. Says he doesn’t love me/ feels like we have been drifting/ isn’t happy. Swears there is no OW. Final decision, no chance to work on anything.

This comes after months of shitty behaviour where he started to criticise me for all sorts of things, e.g. why are you coughing you need to see a doctor , stop frowning, you are talking too loudly, talking too much. When challenged, he tried to justify and accused me of being over sensitive/ a drama queen and it would escalate into an argument and me getting really upset. He would never apologise. I thought this might be a phase as he is unhappy at work ….

One of my friends stayed for a weekend and witnessed a few examples and was really shocked at how his behaviour had changed.

He also started mimicking, doing impressions of me such as the way I speak or facial expressions. It was honestly like being back at school and has completely destroyed my self esteem and made me think there is something wrong with me.

I feel so heartbroken and sad thinking of how good thing’s used to be between us and how kind and generous he was. We are still having to live together due to finances and the house is now on the market. Of course the horrible behaviour has stopped now he has got one foot out the door.

Please, any kind words of support …

100% there is another woman.

You are right to feel sad and hugely disappointed. I am sorry this has happened to you.

To be quite honest I would be very surprised if there were not another woman in the background somewhere - in his sudden criticisms he is comparing you to someone he has met and put on a pedestal. Mid-life and all that .......

Take care - be strong.

I know how you feel. My DH of 30 years started behaving the same way and wants out. I am shattered. Can barely function. We have adult DC.
I don't think there is another woman. But I saw a solicitor yesterday and confirmed I am in a good position. Made copies of everything.
We will have to live together for a while until house sells.
Just last Thursday we were talking about our retirement plans!

Sounds like another woman to me Op. He felt guilty being unfaithful so he made it all about you, delibrately making you the bad one so he could justify leaving you. In a short while the OW will appear but he'll tell everyone they've just met.
I'm sorry he was so unkind Op, it's hard to see now but you will come through this a stronger person

Fuck him. You’re so much better off than with a man who criticises your every move.

Pour into yourself.
See friends.
Go to the gym.
Only cook and clean your yourself.
Do absolutely nothing for him and act completely indifferent and unbothered about his existence.

I don't think it needs to be the OPs focus on if there is OW or not.
OP I think he's treating you like this so you ended it or were more agreeable to end it. It's a crap way to behave and not what you'd hoped for. Ultimately though it doesn't matter now.
It's going to hurt for a while, it's going to be shit for a while. I promise, this too shall pass.

What helped me when I was dumped may help you - write down where you want your life to be in a year from todays date. What does your life look like? Then you have something positive to strive for. You will feel ok again. Not today, or tomorrow, but you will.

Sorry OP, but just 'months' of shitty behaviour in the context of a 19 year relationship is very sudden and suggests he's had his head turned.

If it were truly a case of having grown apart, you would be able to reflect back and realise things had started to shift a year/couple of years ago.

It must be an awful shock. I've been with DH for 20 years and can imagine what you're going through.

Sorry to hear this OP. It sounds like he has done you a favour though as you deserve better than his shitty treatment. Push through the separation and house sale OP, and please start investing in yourself. Do something for yourself every day, hair cut and colour, new clothes, new undies, skin care etc. lean on your friends and family, pick up hobbies you had let drift. You will come out of this happier and stronger.

Cherchez la femme

My brother did this to my ex SIL. He then moved out to a flat and miraculously the next week met "Tania from school" who was "comforting" him.

Regardless of other woman, which is obvious there is one, OP needs to concentrate on herself. Her immediate and long term needs.

I only coped after a very long marriage by considering him dead, therefore not around anymore in any sense.

If he's been with you for 19 years he must be daft to have only 'noticed' these supposed 'faults' just now! He achieves the ridiculous and contemptuous at the same time - but the ridiculousness shows it's rubbish. Honestly OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Has your DP made any attempt to alert you of this 'drifting' before his announcement of wanting to break up? It sounds as if he hasn't given you any warning and is just using trite language as a cover so you don't blame him for ending it and instead conveniently blame yourself. To make you feel rubbish by effectively bullying you and then blame you in the process is very low and cowardly - criticising someone's facial expression is indeed ridiculous, your gut instinct is right to feel back at school. Be kind to yourself right now in any way you can. Talk to others you trust in RL. Especially be sceptical about what he says now especially about you as this bullying behaviour is this: attack is the best form of defence.