Advice-husband possible cheating with prostitues- struggling to move on

[Starship50]

Ok so I am in my late 40 s, two teenage children. I have been married for 24 years, about ten years ago I noticed my husband watched a lot of porn and questioned him he once said he was addicted now refutes this. We don’t have a lot of sex. Monthly but not any at moment as I have so much issues with resentment. Anyhow about five years ago I found a text on his phone and found out it was a prositute she was saying her availability, he said he never went through and was just the excitement of messaging, I had seen the text before the alleged meeting. A few years later I again found a text when he went to look at a car another town which gave address instructions and a massage thing… again he said it was the thrill and he he didn’t go through with it, which probably stupidly I believe , that he just gets off on it…I don’t look at his phone anymore. But recently if I see any porn it seems to trigger me and I feel I’ve just had to bury my feelings. He never really wanted to discuss us and doesn’t like it if he brings it up again but I just feel so mad and broken at times. I don’t know what to do. I do not want to break my family up but I feel alone and it hurts sometimes as the stupid ion never leaves and I just have to pop it under my hat like nothing ever happened! Any advice?

He has a porn addiction and he uses sex workers - they ALL say they didn't go through with it. I dont understand how you have turned a blind eye to this for so long.
It's not you that would breaking up the family. It's this disgusting man who sees women as sex objects for his entertainment and use.

Many men who have a sex worker habit, have it for life. It's a kind of fetish and they get off on the whole experience.

He sounds lost to me, deep into porn, buying sex and doesn't want a sex life with you.

My advice is to leave the relationship as the situation is unlikely to improve. Please get an STD test as soon as you can.

If you want to stay and continue to have sex then use condoms and have regular check ups as STDs can come from skin contact.

It wouldn't be you that was breaking your family up if you split over this.

You say "I do not want to break up my family".

I'm afraid he has already done that. You are married to a man who buys womens' bodies and views women as dehumanised sex objects. He is not a family man, not a good father, not a good husband. Not even close.

I suspect you are scared of what divorce looks like and what the reality of your future looks like.

Be brave. Head up. Your DH is a porn-addled scum bag.

But how do I know for definite I have no evedience. Could he not be telling the truth.

I agree, be brave and get you and your children a better life. You deserve more.

Women who sell sex do not do it because they want to sleep with that man, or because they enjoy it. They do it for survival. The majority of men who use sex workers enjoy the control and fetish. They need help.

He has split the family up with his continuous actions of over a decade. You could try couples counselling, he definitely needs therapy for sex addiction. But if I were you, I’d have left a very long time ago.

Do you want to know? Or do you prefer not knowing?

You've stopped looking at his phone but it doesn't sound like the relationship has taken some wonderful turn that would make you think you can trust him more than you could previously. Why have you stopped looking?

The thing is, even if he's telling the truth, let's pretend that that's likely for a minute, do you want to be with a man who noodles around on the internet finding out phone numbers for sex workers, arranging to meet them, getting directions and then just not turning up?

It's not brilliant either way really is it? Regardless of that, you can't communicate, your relationship sounds shot to shit and full of resentment, understandably so.

As above, it really wouldn't be you breaking up the family. It may need rearranging into a different pattern so that you can start to live a life and have some peace of mind though. And that's not the end of the world.

You know he is a porn addict.
You have seen the messages between him and the sex workers.
It is affecting your self esteem.
He won't communicate with you.
You don't have a normal sexual relationship.
What " evidence" do you want?

He’s already broken this family unit by his actions. Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one. And they all say too they never went through with it. You feel alone within your marriage because you are indeed alone within your marriage.

Do not stay with him either for the supposed sake of the children, they are not going to say thanks mum to you for doing that to them.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. You would not want them to remain with a cheat and he is frankly not good enough for you either.

You only need to give your own self permission to leave. Seek legal advice re divorce as knowledge is power.

He messaged them and no there is no trust. For many women that in itself is enough. You don’t need evidence to get a divorce.

If you've got an STD, that's evidence. They all say they didn't go through with it. Irrespective, do you want to spend the rest of your life with some sad sack who'd rather wank and contact sex workers than be intimate with you?

You don’t need evidence to know something. I know the sun rises in the east and sets in the west without waking up to watch the sunrise every single morning.
The decision to leave isn’t based on evidence of wrong doing, it’s as simple as “I don’t trust this man, I am unhappy, it will never get better (and it won’t because he’s still lying about the sex workers,…) and I want to leave”. This isn’t the 1800’s where wives have no right to divorce someone. You could divorce him because you don’t like his new shoes for all anyone cares, but evidence of an intention to meet up with prostitutes, a dead sex life, anger and resentment that will not get any better are damn good reasons.

The chances of this are tiny. Beyond tiny. They all say it and they all lie.

Sorry OP.

Leave. This is why you're so miserable. Youre in massive denial and your body knows it.

What more evidence do you need ?. You’ve already seen two lots of text messaging these women over the years. Your marriage was over the first time he did this.

Exactly. Do you feel loved, safe and supported by this man? Does he communicate honestly and take accountability for his actions?

This is all pretty basic stuff. You can decide at any moment, for any reason that you no longer wish to be married. You don't need him to agree, or have evidence to show. You can feel that it's over, and get it over. There is no more to it.

I'm really sorry, OP. I just wanted to assure you: he is the one who has broken the family.

There was a thread on here recently where a man was booking sex workers in another part of the world, booking their time, not paying them and not turning up. So not technically cheating, but taking pleasure in messing with these women and getting off on leaving them sitting there. Which to be quite frank, is just as sick.
And there is a maybe 1 per cent chance he’s not turning up, as the ones he is contacting are nearby.
He is using sex workers, you can be 99 per cent sure of that.
The sooner you face up to it the better. Your own intuition means you do not want to sleep with him because you know he’s a cheat.
Be brave, face up to it, and take steps to leave this awful man.
You deserve better.

This isn't a court of law. Proof is not required.

Evidence or not - are you happy with your relationship with your husband? If not then you need to do something about it.

You have evidence that he was messaging sex workers. The first time, you presumably asked him not to. He continued to do so. Is that not enough?

Did he go through with it? On the balance of probabilities, yes, beyond all reasonable doubt, no.

All that aside, the whole relationship just sounds depressing. I can’t imagine any party is loving it.

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