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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it cheating?

7 replies

Diplodocus95 · 16/07/2025 22:22

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. I’m feeling a little lost and numb so anything helps.i have a husband of 10 years and an 8 month old daughter.

A few things to note. I’m a childhood SA survivor and my husband knows this and my triggers. He knows my boundaries and had promised to respect them.

My husband has a footferish. I am fine with it but he hate having it. I had dealt with years of neglecting me sexually whilst still watching foot fetish video. I explained time and time again that it was making me feel insecure because he was neglecting me. He kept watching the videos and disregarding my boundary. Fine I got over it despite the hurt.

Yesterday, I accidentally spotted a note on his phone, that was clearly a write up asking someone to make a video for him. He was detailing what he wanted her to do. After confronting him, I found out that he has gone on Vinted, bought and hid a pair of shoes which he was ‘using in private’ and at the same time he was messaging the girl he bought them off multiple times for videos of her doing some sort of foot fetish acts. I haven’t seen the messages or the videos (apparently he got banned from vinted.)

Would you class this as cheating?

OP posts:
OnAMissionToLoseWeight · 16/07/2025 22:24

I think the “cheating” or not is a red herring,

He is blatantly disrespecting your boundaries and for that alone I would dump him. Who cares if it’s technically cheating or not? His behaviour is abhorrent.

Bittenonce · 16/07/2025 22:32

I would class the relationship as him ignoring your boundaries and needs, not showing respect or consideration. Think you’re settling for shit because of low self esteem.

DelphiniumBlue · 16/07/2025 22:32

That's so grim. I can't imagine you'd ever want to have sex with him again. Why have you put up with this? You say it's been going on for years; the fact that he's commissioning a porn video now just adds insult to injury. The guy is a perv, you know this, he's not going to change.

TwistedWonder · 16/07/2025 22:35

Whether any of us think it’s cheating is irrelevant. His behaviour is fucking repulsive. He’s a grim disgusting filthy pervert trampling all over your boundaries with zero respect for you.

He thinks he can do whatever he likes without consequences- show him that his actions are unacceptable

SaintGermain · 16/07/2025 22:36

Well if he masturbates to videos of another woman who he has exchanged I primate messages with them I would class that as cheating!

Subwaystop · 17/07/2025 02:49

He sounds so awful

ThymeandBasil · 17/07/2025 03:14

You took Vows to each other and presumably are supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. So yes he is getting his sexual gratification from another woman so he is cheating.

He has trampled over your boundaries and disrespected you for years OP. Surely this act of betrayal should be the final straw for you?

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