Experiences of cutting off an elderly narcissistic relative?

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Interested if people can share their own experiences of having to do this for their own peace and sanity, and also to protect younger children from the damaging impact of narcissistic behaviour.

Brief background and the main reason I ask is because the narcassist in question is in their 70's without any other close relatives nearby. They are essentially pretty isolated and will have nothing if I go full no contact (currently reduced contact)

Full no contact is looking like the only option pretty soon, but I'm wondering how other people facing this situation have dealt with the potential feelings of guilt associated with cutting off someone so close to the end of their life.

I am struggling with it if I'm honest, but the greater love is motivating me to protect the children at all costs - putting myself aside -though I am of course also a factor to protect from this, after decades of extreme narcissistic and emotional abuse.

I just feel an intense need to end the generational cycle, but also to give myself the gift of peace. How is that squared with knowing what impact your actions will have on the person you are cutting off?

Particularly when they are of an older age and basically becoming more frail and vulnerable (vulnerabilities they will of course happily use to their own advantage in new inventive games of manipulation, in order to create feelings of duty, guilt, sorrow and pity)

It's just the older the children get, the more extensive the damage is. I feel like I can't just stand by and let it keep unfolding like this. But then I'm not sure how I reconcile the outcome for the narc. I'm am empath BTW, which really doesn't help!

I'm following this thread in a similar situation with my mother 😭 and I don't know what to do anymore 😔

Sorry to hear this, it's really tough. Hopefully some people will be able to share their own experiences (or views)

Even if it's not about someone who is elderly. Could just be experiences of dealing with going no contact and how it left them feeling really.

My mum isn’t a narcissist. She’s just a really dysregulated and unstable person.

I think honestly some of it comes down to personality and mindset. When I’m done, I’m done. When the straw finally broke the camels back, it wasn’t a difficult decision to make. I recognised that basically I could save her or I could save myself, and I knew which one my children needed.

But realistically, it just got to a point where too much damage had been done and there was no going back. It’s a bit like if cheating is your line in the sand, and your partner cheats on you. No matter how much you wish things were different, you can never get the image of them shagging someone else in your bed out of your mind. That’s honestly what it was like. She did so much damage that I could never see her as a loving mum anymore. There was no going back.

So I’m probably unusual in that I don’t feel any guilt. I’m very much a you make your bed, you lie in it sort of person. She has a (equally dysfunctional) partner, but no other family. I’m an only child, but all other family of her and her partner are NC, except like some distant similarly ageing aunts. There will be no one to care for her or her partner when the time comes (she’s 75). I hope she has plans in place. We live in different countries anyway so it was never going to be me anyway really.

What has helped me is focusing on myself. I’ve had good quality therapy. I’ve done a lot of work on understanding why I felt the way I did growing up and as an adult. I’ve changed my lifestyle, worked on my coping mechanisms, built a lot of support around myself. Ultimately, my mum had her chance to do the same and she didn’t. But it stops with me and the cycle will not continue with my kids. I’m not perfect and I’ll screw them up in some new way no doubt. But I will not pass on the same old shit to them because they deserve better.

A big part of it is simply having faith and leaping. You never know what the future hold, but it will almost certainly be more peaceful. You will be happier. Your kids will get the less stressed version of you. That’s a win-win.

Fwiw, I have absolutely no regrets. I was LC for 2 years and have been NC for probably 3 now. I can’t tell you the difference it’s made in my life.

Thank you for sharing this, you have done amazingly well and that deserves so much credit. Good for you.

What you said about others being no contact with them also, that has parallels with this situation too. It makes me wonder how they end up feeling, when they realise that they are the common denominator.

After years of trying to blame others, there must be a realisation of sorts for these people, when they reach a particular age and more than one person has cut them off. Like you say, it's probably too late by then for most people to save themselves, so they die in those circumstances with those unresolved feelings and basically alone.

That's the bit I'm struggling with, but you made a good point when you wrote about saving them or yourself/kids.

I went NC with my narcissistic dad afew years ago. I did it for my own mental health and to protect my children. It took me having my own children to realise how abusive and toxic he is. The question I asked myself was ‘if my daughter had a friend or partner who treated them like this, would I want her to put up with that kind of behaviour?’ The answer was obviously no and so I chose to model the ultimate in self care-protecting my own mental health as well as theirs.

The initial consequences were judgement from (some) family members but I didn’t experience any guilt because I know that they just didn’t ‘get’ it. They don’t see the abuse and I fully trust my own judgement. I just had to stick to my guns and now the whole family knows we’re non contact and everyone kind of just deals with it-even at family dos!

I understand your situation is different but for me guilt is not a ‘good enough’ reason to do things. The person is isolated because they’ve driven everyone else away and that’s not your problem! Life’s too short and yours and your children’s mental health is too precious x

Thank you, an interesting take.

As you say, if it was anyone else they would not have access. So these people generally use their 'privileged' status as family members to leverage their right to stay in your life.

Unfortunately the behaviour around the children - and at times directly involving the children - has been absolutely atrocious. When they start to use children as pawns in their game, trying to manipulate, divide and cause friction in the same way they did with me years ago, something just screams no. It's the loudest, most primal scream from within, telling me to remove them from my life, and from any influence on the kids.

So I know I have to do it, but it's finding the courage and knowing what to do with the associated feelings.

People sharing their experiences will continue to help me to understand how different people have dealt with this, so thank you.

An empath?

Honestly OP, I love my children more than anything, so cutting off those that are toxic wasn't difficult.
I knew the damage that had been done to me and I wanted the peace to be a better version of myself.
Never regretted it.

I will come back to this thread tomorrow.. I can add my pennies in..

Call it what you will.

I have huge concern for - and attunement to - the feelings of others, as well as the impact of my actions/behaviour on them. Much more concern than average, let's say.

It can serve as a double-edged sword.

In this case, it is already causing a large degree of internal conflict unfortunately. Things to work through.

Thank you for contributing. Do you find yourself thinking about the person or people you've cut off? Wondering if they are okay, or how they are dealing with their situation? Or does that just get better with time? I realise this is a completely subjective question, as everyone will be different.

Me too.

Honestly, by that time I had had enough.
I grieved the relationship and moved on.
Of course there can be moments of sadness and regret, but I learnt to accept that it was a part of my life.

I had spent nearly 30 years tolerating bullshit and I was done.
I never regretted it.
I chose ME.

Its not easy at all.
But i wanted, craved peace.
I had never had it.
Always drama of some sort.
The peace was a blessing.
I raised my children in a much better environment that mine, thats for sure.

Yes it's peace that is the clear motivator. I'm pleased to hear you have found yours, and for your children.

Just seeing the responses so far on this thread in the short time, goes to show how common this situation must be. I sometimes sit and think how dreadful it is that I'm considering cutting off a parent, as their child.

But one of their children has already done just that. And having read what people here have said so far, it seems like I have too much compassion for this person. The sad thing is, I guess, that it's exactly them who orchestrated these feelings I have, of guilt and obligation, to a large extent, through manipulation and abuse.

The sample of responses here is small so far, but the themes are similar. And I sense there must be so many more people on mumsnet who have gone through this. Which tells me it's not as abnormal or unfair as my mind portrays it to be.