I've had enough of everyone and everything

[EnglishGirlApproximately]

Just that really. DP and I have been together for 19 years but at least the last ten gave been rubbish. He buries his head in the sand and refuses to talk about splitting. He hates his job and has done for years but doesn't apply for anything else. He works late a couple of days a week and goes back to bed after DS has gone to school and stays in bed until about 10 on a weekend. We never go to bed at the same time, don't eat breakfast as a family. He lives in his phone.

DS is 13 and generally a nice kid - never in trouble at school, nice friends etc. but is only interested in gaming and his phone and despite my best efforts I can't get him to show any interest in his health or appearance. He's veering towards overweight and I'm trying to cook good food but he eats absolute crap at school. I've tried to talk to him.calmly but he gets upset and defensive. It's completely my fault but he's spoilt and it's showing, I've definitely over compensated for always having to work full.time.

I changed jobs recently for more money and I don't like it, I'm not performing as well as I'd hoped and frankly I don't care. It's a great job really but means travelling away from home and overnight stays far more than I expected. I'm knackered, lonely and unmotivated. I can't afford to go for a lower wage as the house needs so much doing to it and I need a new car. I also do about 75% of everything around the house despite the fact that I'm away or travelling so much.

I've just started WLI and am doing really well but DP has said he's supportive but then gets pissed off when he wants a takeawsy or to go to the pub for tea.

I feel like walking out and not coming home. My life would be easier alone, I'd be less tired and stressed. Not sure what I want from this thread, just venting I suppose.

I would say split up and take it from there but don't know how it'd work with you being away often for work?

Could you give yourself a year from now to detach, get your ducks in a row, get accustomed to the idea of a new life, and then maybe change job or negotiate a new working pattern?

Sounds so sad. So many years lost just going through the motion. I think it’s time to shake things up.

It sounds like you have a great job and a lovely son, but are depressed, possibly being affected by a partner who is also depressed. I get the impression from your post that you are putting these feelings in the wrong places, ie not caring that you aren't doing as well as you would like and
work and talking to your son about his weight (I don't know if anyone who likes their appearance being criticised), when really its your relationship with your partner that's the problem. You're in danger of throwing away the good things in your life and continuing with the bad. You blame yourself for spoiling your son but he seems to be copying his father with the on screen life. One useful definition/model of depression is anger turned inwards. You're obviously competent and capable but frustrated with a partner who won't engage and, I guess, leaves you with feelings you can't do anything with. Is there anything you can fo to change that?

It sounds like you’ve lost touch with the things you actually enjoy. Is there a way to do more fun things while you’re away with wotk? It sounds like you need to broaden your horizons. If you begin to try new things and prioritise enjoyment, it might shift the dynamics of the family too, without you feeling like you’re being seen to ‘nag’.

Just to be clear I don't mention weight to my son, I frame it as making healthy choices. He's a good kid and I don't want to see him grow up not looking after himself.
Doing fun things while away with work isn't really an option - normally when I'm away it's a conference so has evening events as well as daytime which means I have to be 'on' constantly - sometimes for as long as a week.
I've spoken to DP numerous times about making changes but nothing sticks. I've just given up now.

He needs to be mindful of the takeaways due to your son’s weight too. I’d ask him to eat that kind of stuff away from the house.

It sounds like you want others to change but sometimes you have to change yourself, for example stop doing so much in the house, let them pick up some of the slack.

I get that @Orangesandlemons77but then I have to live in a dirty house where food runs out and nobody washes the towels, that's not really a win for me.

You sound so lonely and it sounds like your H and son apend far too much time online and not enough time engaging as a family. I don’t have solutions for that but just wanted to tell you that I felt completely taken advantage of when mine were teenagers. I tried numerous times to talk with dh and dc but nothing changed. In the end I decided to be more formal about it, I said I wanted to arrange a family meeting, about splitting household responsibilities.

At the meeting I told them how I’d tried to speak to people but no one was listening, that I was at the end of my tether and ready to leave them all to it, that I was not going to be treated like a domestic servant any more.

I brought a list of all the stuff that needs doing in the home, plus meal planing, shopping, money, admin, gardening etc etc, that I was absolutely fed up with having to do the majority of it and we needed to split it more fairly. When we’d split the jobs I then gave everyone a copy and then stuck a big one on the fridge. 😆
If nothing had changed I genuinely was ready to leave, things have been much better since, especially with DH.