Really missing physical contact during marriage troubles

[Underapolarbear]

My husband and I are having a fair few difficulties…we’ve been together to 20 years and married for 15 of them. As is so common, we’ve lost our connection and barely spend any time together. I suggested marriage counselling but he wasn’t interested, so I’ve been going on my own which is good but I don’t really know where to go from here.

I was just thinking this morning on my commute about how much I miss and am craving physical contact during not just sex, but holding hands, hugging just being touched by someone. I’ve a son who is getting old enough not to want cuddles and I’m so sad at the thought of never being touched again.

I don’t even know why I’m posting. I’m just sad I guess.

It is sad isn't it OP?

It was one of the worst things about being widowed.Just no more cuddles or hugs.
I've been widowed 20 years now and the only physical contact I have is a hug from my adult son when he comes to visit. The words of I am Rock - the Simon and Garfunkal song often come to my mind: I touch no one and no one touches me, I am a rock. I am an island.

I'm so sorry you are going through this loneliness in your marriage OP.

I also understand this. I’m divorced, and find the lack of touch awful. Just a hug when I get home. To be able to give a hug and be hugged is hugely underrated. I don’t have an answer I’m afraid, but you are not alone.

A sad fact of life is that a marriage can be one of the loneliest places to be. It’s also one of the hardest for people to get their heads because they assume a marriage is the ultimate institution for intimacy. It doesn’t receive the same attention or empathy as the loneliness someone who is actually alone feels, which can make it seem even more lonely if that makes sense.

I don’t really have a solution for you that isn’t completely sucky to be honest. But I sincerely hope things get better for you OP.

Do you want this to change OP? Do you want to stay in the marriage or do you see yourselves separating? If you want to change things then going on dates or going away for the weekend is a good start. It sounds simplistic but it’s probably a good start. I don’t know how old you are OP or whether you are retired or not but it would be very sad to think you might spend the rest of your life in an unhappy relationship.

Can you switch away from trying to 'fix' things (obviously depends on what the issues are) and just work on getting back to how things were in terms of affection and love between you? If it hasn't died completely it can come back.

Does your husband know how you feel? If not, don't try to tell him - he will likely perceive it as accusatory or something he has to fix. Instead, just try touching him. Sometime when things are neutral. In the kitchen when he and you are in a good mood, for example. Just quiet touching.

I'm sorry if this suggestion upsets you. It's horrible to feel utterly lonely in a marriage.

Also I'd look up Esther Perel. She has so many good insights into relationships.