Can people change?

[ZNC]

I’ve posted previously (but think I’ve deleted the posts) about my husband.
We’ve been together for 11 years, married for 5, have a 8month old baby, and a two year old.

I asked him for a divorce on Monday, and he’s managed to talk me back round in to giving him another chance. I want divorce because he’s always sent inappropriate texts to other women, including work colleagues. He also never put me first, he’s self employed and always chooses work. He went to work the day our daughter was born, the day after I had a horrible miscarriage, our wedding anniversaries, our daughters first birthday. There’s never an occasion in our life that would have priority over work.

Anyway, he’s acknowledged that he’s done wrong, apologised, and asked if we can draw a line in the sand and I judge him from now on and forget the past things. He said he hasn’t had a chance to make things right before I ruin his life by leaving him. But he has had me for 11 years, and so many chances in that time, what would be different now?

Can people change? And can I fall back in love with him? I feel like I’ve detached from him to protect myself that I almost feel nothing for him now, can that come back?

No he won’t change.

He has manipulated you into thinking that he will but you weren’t enough for him for eleven years and won’t suddenly be now.

He will always be on the look out for other women to contact. Previously there was the added thrill of not being caught but now he has smug feeling of power that he has duped you yet again as he goes about sexting other women.

You deserve so much more than this lying, cheating dirt bag.

I guarantee you that he will do it again.

And again and again and again.

Your previous threads are still here OP and the responses to this one will be exactly the same as the previous two. He won’t change because this is who he is - he’s a selfish, lying, cheating, gaslighting abusive man who treats you with zero respect for you.

You say he’s made promises before and not kept them - this won’t be any different. Hrs crying crocodile tears because he’s worried about losing control of you.

Your previous thread say he’s cheated for years and you’ve turned a blind eye. He won’t change because he has no need to. If you stay you’re showing him yet again he can behave appallingly without consequences.

If you’re lucky he’ll be on his Brest behaviour for a few weeks but then the status quo will be resumed and the abuse will continue until you finally walk away.

The comment about you ruining his life refers to his financial affairs not his emotional state.

I remember your previous threads OP- I posted on one of them.

I'm sorry but he won't change.

You made the right call in asking for thee divorce and you really need to stick by that decision. Otherwise it will be the same old, same old behaviour from him.

You arent ruining his life. He has done that himself by his cheating and his totally uncaring behaviour towards you.

Of course he won't change, because he doesn't want to. Change is hard even if you want to do it (lose weight, stop smoking etc). It will never happen if you are perfectly content with yourself, like he is.

If he had any intention of changing, then he wouldn't be wanting a 'line in the sand', which involves denying the reality of who he is for his own convenience (your pesky lack of trust and insight into what a cunt he is). If he had any intention of changing he'd be reminding himself every day of how much he has hurt you, and be trying to make up for it.

He'll be back to 'business as usual' as soon as he has you fished back in. Just end this. He doesn't love you, you are just the 'wife appliance' and he's currently trying to do whatever it takes to stop your annoying malfunction.

Your feelings will never come back - but the trauma bond can strengthen. So get out now, whilst you can.

Nobody gets to draw a line under 11 years of cheating and shit behaviour and have a fresh start without their previous behaviour being remembered. You won't be able to just forgive and forget and you shouldn't try.

Can he change? Yes, of course, people change all the time. Will he change? Probably not and certainly not without a metric fuck ton of therapy to work out why he’s behaving like such a massive twat. Is he prepared to do that? Go to a qualified therapist, tell the absolute truth about the things he’s done and work towards being a better man? To deal with the fears and insecurities he has created in you with empathy and understanding? Because if he’s not, if his answer is for you to “draw a line under it” then no, he won’t change.

When i see posts like this, it makes me angry and upset in equal measure. I am not going to comment on your husband, as he doesn't deserve it.

Instead all I can say us that you need to focus on your children and yourself. Can you see your life with your husband? If you stay with him, you will always be on your guard, looking out for misdemeanours and never fully relaxed. The other option is having a life without him? It will be tough as any divorce is. But, if you can see beyond that and still think life can be better without him then, that is something to seriously consider.

Take care ❤️

Hi @ZNC
If anyone has "ruined his life" it is him and all down to his unacceptable amd unreasonable behaviour. Grounds for a divorce.

You ultimately decide based on if you want to spend time trying again and if you can trust this person?

Best wishes whichever option you choose x
Edited to say marriage guidance for sure!

He says you haven’t given him a chance but what he really means is he didn’t think you would leave him. He has treated you badly because he is selfish and believed you would take it. Now he realises you have a backbone and wants to try another tactic. He may be on his best behaviour for a few months but ultimately he’s not someone who sees you’re unhappy and cares. He is only willing to change when it may hit his reputation and finances. Staying together is easier than divorce for him because he’s currently happy. He gets to concentrate on work while you take care of the house and the family. He’s in control of the finances and gets to have extra martial excitement while appearing to be a good family man. Why would he want to give that up? Of course he will fight for that. He’s not fighting for you.

You realise that which is why you have no feelings left for him. His true character will come out when you push forward with the divorce. But if you are not ready yet why don’t you suggest a temporary separation where you see what it is like with childcare arrangements / financial support mirroring what you would look for if it was permanent. It gives him time to adjust to the concept and also gives you space to make a final decision. Hopefully he’ll be more reasonable if he thinks there is a chance of getting back together. Once things have settled he might not fight so hard to stay together if he can see a scenario where he gets what he wants too. If he really is capable of change then it allows him to prove this and shows you are very serious.

He won't change because he doesn't need to. He'll just carry on and you'll take whatever he does on as long as he can sweet talk you round. What an arse.

MN is full of women all hoping that their man will 'change" too. Have look round and see what a waste of their time they are justifying.