I have been with my partner for almost 11 years. We own a house and 2 rescue dogs together and to be honest, things started to get rough between us 5-6 years into the relationship.
When we bought a house together, I took care of absolutely everything, the paperwork, the bills, the decorating, the DIY, the food shopping and about 90% of the cleaning, alongside my full time job. It caused a LOT of arguments and resentment. After 4 years of living together, he now takes care of the food shopping, most of the cooking, and he helps a bit more with the cleaning, which has been a relief. The problem is, I turned into such an awful person when I was exhausted and resentful, I’m struggling to get back to what I was before, and how I felt about him before. He is a good person, and neither of us have done anything wrong, but we argue ALL the time. We speak to each other horribly, and all he does is either give me the silent treatment or sigh or huff at anything I say. I get more conversation out of our dogs and it’s so lonely. I relish when he’s out of the house and it’s just me and the dogs. I have said repeatedly for the last 2 years that I don’t want to do this anymore and I’ve had enough. Every time I have said this, he has walked off and given me the silent treatment for a few days, then pretended like nothing has happened - not even asked to discuss or address what I have said. If we didn’t have the dogs, I would have left, but I will never leave my dogs. I believe his feelings are the same, plus he hates change, so he isn’t likely to initiate a break up, no matter how miserable he is.
I would struggle to pay for the house and all of the bills by myself, so money is also a worry. I have nowhere else for myself and the dogs to go. He has a really good relationship with his mum, has a room at her house, and half of his possessions are still there as he never bothered moving them out, so it would make sense for him to go to his mum’s for a bit, but he has refused every time I have asked for us to have a break.
As bad as it is to say, I dream about winning the lottery, just so I could get my own place for me and the dogs, but as that’s not likely to happen, I feel trapped, lonely and miserable.
Though I am not interested in another relationship, I am also aware that we are both probably preventing each other from meeting someone more suitable for each other - we have changed a lot in the last 11 years and I just don’t think we are suited anymore. We have different opinions, values and priorities. I really struggle with crippling anxiety after my dad almost died in a freak accident 11 years ago, and this has been exacerbated by 4 deaths in my immediate family in the last 2 years. He has zero patience or understanding for anything I panic about, and I’m so exhausted, irritable and lonely. I haven’t gone to bed consistently for longer than a week in about 3 years, because on nights when we have argued, I don’t want to be anywhere near him, so I fall asleep downstairs on the sofa and have a rubbish night of broken sleep. If he ever goes away, I am in bed by 10. I know we have to break up, and I have tried multiple times, but he has ignored me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I love my house and my dogs. I don’t want to lose them 😢😞 I care for him still, but I just don’t see how we can come back from this.
I’m posting on here, as have no one to talk about this with and it’s eating me up inside.