DH doesn't like me cutting down on alcohol

[Aibupleasetellme]

NC for this.

TLDR: lately me regularly saying No to a glass of wine at home makes DH really stroppy.

We did drink a lot together early in our relationship and continue to enjoy it over the next 20 years or so.

But I am in my 50s now, need to lose a few lbs and just don't enjoy drinking every day any more, it makes my tummy ache and I sleep worse and just want to cut down for my general health. He knows this and understands the reasons. I want to limit alcohol to perhaps 3 days a week. More when on holiday or social life is extra busy!

The issue is that when I say no to a glass of wine, DH gets annoyed with me and has a little strop. The biggest grumble for him is that I go out for dinner with girlfriends regularly and I pretty much always have a drink on those occasions, he always refers to it, complaining 'oh, it's ok to drink with your mates but not with me'. Which isn't true as I still drink with him at least twice a week. Just not on say a random Tuesday when we are not going out. It's especially problematic if I have been out the night before with friends so want a dry day. He does also go out with friends drinking though not as often.

Any solutions or ways I can soften this which will stop him sulking please?! I am not being unreasonable am I?

He sounds like he is displaying addicted and codependent behaviour here. My advice would be to ignore it but it would seriously put me off him!

Why does it bother him? I'd guess that he feels like he should cut down, doesn't want to, so doesn't like that you are because it makes him feel bad. But that's not your problem to solve really. I think you should tell him his sulking is unacceptable and needs to stop, not trip over yourself trying to appease him.

It likely is making him start to feel more self conscious of his own drinking behaviour. From what you’ve said I suspect he drinks more than he should, and he knows that, and when you refuse a drink it makes him feel insecure about drinking by himself, as he can’t just pass it off as being social, but needs to confront the real reasons he is drinking on a daily basis.
You’re doing the right thing for your health, and his strops are a reflection on him, not you.

He’s aware that he drinks too much and when you refuse, it makes it harder for him to pretend that he doesn’t.

No, he is being massively unreasonable and childish. You shouldn't need to 'soften it'. Maybe ask him why he cares so little for your health, well-being and freedom of choice.

I'm in my early 50s and could have written your post (wrt pattern of alcohol consumption over the years with dh, and reasons for drinking less now). The difference is that my dh is cutting down a bit too now, but even if he weren't, he certainly wouldn't object to me doing so (or quitting altogether).

Stopping drinking regularly on normal evenings at home and saving alcohol for going out is a perfectly normal and understandable way to cut down. He's being a twat, frankly.

I think it upsets him mainly because he simply enjoys sitting having a glass of wine with me.
I think I need to create that experience without the wine!

He does drink too much but not excessively I would say, he has a few days off a week (following my lead) and on drinking days it would typically be 1/2 bottle of wine or maybe 3 pints beer. I think he could/would have a lot more but doesn't because he knows it isn't healthy.

So, would he be upset if you had a glass of Shloer, or however it’s spelled, at the same time as he has a glass of wine, you are both sitting, enjoying a glass of liquid - or would it still be an issue that the glass does not contain an alcoholic liquid?

I think writing it down here has made me realise that next time I shall say no but I'll come sit with you with an xyz.
Sounds daft but it's only now I realise what I think (hope?) his actual problem is, that experience. Thanks.

So can he not get a half bottle of wine to himself ?

More power to you. I think it’s great you’re cutting down and keeping your health in mind. Well done.

I don’t drink but I occasionally have a white wine spritzer? Watered well down with soda. Would that help get over his co-dependency?. Just go about it quietly.

I actually didn’t even drink before meeting my ex but he would call it weird that I didn’t and like a fool as I was so infatuated with him I thought ‘well better correct that defect about myself!’ 🤦🏻‍♀️. So I started just wine really on the odd occasion but then every time we went in a pub he’d always make me feel less than anytime I asked for a soft drink. I think with him it was that he didn’t like the feeling of drinking alone so selfishly would impose on me. I feel a little ashamed now how just to appease him I’d sometimes just order a drink and then feel secretly miserable drinking it as it was empty calories my chubby short body didn’t need.

Now I would never do that as looking back I’ve learnt in a heathy relationship the OH wouldn’t ask that in the first place.

In terms of advice, I’m not sure what you can do other than stand your ground on this and explain it’s for your personal health you’re not doing it to deliberately spite him and if he truly loved you he’d be pleased you’re exercising good will power and making the change.

You've nailed it yourself really OP. He misses the shared experience - for want of a better expression. Drinking is a social activity, it relaxes you and gives you a little buzz and the ritual very much craves company. It's often thought of as a reward too at the end of a long day. Could you get a bottle of alcohol free wine for the evenings you don't want to drink? Then you could join him on the sofa and still have that "cheers" moment together. You might even be able to pursuade him to try it too.

I drink. My dh no longer does. He’s the boss of him and I’m the boss of me

He’s being ridiculous. You can still have a drink together. Your drink doesn’t have to be wine.

I am 2+ years sober. Don’t drink at all anymore. Dh and I still have a drink together. We still go out for dinner to nice restaurants. We still go on holiday. We still relax at the end of the week or meet up with friends. All of those things are possible without alcohol.

This says more about his drinking than yours. You say he doesn’t drink excessively, but that he does drink too much. That’s kinda the same thing. People who are having a lot of inner turmoil about their alcohol consumption often respond this way when other people don’t drink with them. It’s projecting. When people find out I’m sober, no one prattles on more about how their drinking is just fine than the people whose drinking is clearly not just fine.

Just set firm boundaries and keep repeating them. Get in lots of lovely AF drinks so you can still join in with the having a drink together. Perhaps consider suggesting you do 30 days or 100 days break from alcohol. The summer is a tough time, but lots of people plan a break from 1st September. It may be nice for you both to just have a reset together.

Thanks all. Am definitely going to test alternative aperitivo experiences with him as I am hopeful he just wants my company! I will have a spritzer next time he asks with just a dash of white wine and plenty of soda as I usually have soda in the house. Not keen on non alcoholic wine or sweet soft drinks really.