Marriage - do we go ahead?

[HDB2024]

I posted a while ago about disclosing past infidelity with my fiancé. I made the very silly decision to meet up with my ex nearly 9 years ago for what I believed was a chat but some stuff happened (not sex and I did say no but I still did it so I’m not excusing it). Me and my fiancé have been together nearly 11 years. I got therapy as it’s something I’ve never forgiven myself for and I was given the advice to not tell him as to not hurt him. However with the wedding approaching the guilt was eating me up and I wanted him to decide whether he wanted to be with me. I tried to break up with him years ago, mainly because of what happened and me knowing I obviously wasn’t happy if I had been messaging my ex. He didn’t give me any space or let me break up with him. Things got better with us and now we’re engaged with a dog and a house. Anyway now he is aware of what happened all those years ago, he’s saying he still wants to get married as he loves me. The wedding is in 5 weeks. However, he’s showing no signs of moving forward. I understand he’s hurt and I’m so deeply sorry for what happened but every single day he tells me how bad he feels, how he’s struggling and how could I have done this to him. He’s always ruminated about my past which has been a concern for me but now he says he’s ruminating about this and can’t stop. I’m constantly on edge to see what mood he’s in and currently dreading him coming home. He said our relationship is no longer perfect and even said he didn’t view me as highly which hurt a lot. He said I’ve ruined his stag do. However he told me if I was to call off the wedding it would be extremely cruel of me but I am concerned about us getting married? He said postponing is not an option. I don’t know what to do. I’m aware it’s all my fault and I wish I could go back and change things

You've already made two mistakes, don't make another by getting married when you are not 100% sure. It's concerning that previously your partner wouldn't let you break up with him. Now, while its understandable that he's very hurt , demanding you go through with the wedding is just not appropriate. I think some relationship counselling is urgently needed.

I would cancel it OP. Neither of you are 100% you want to go through with it.

I think you were right to be honest and tell him, and I think he’s right to now be doubting you.

It is a bit of a shit show, but if he’s not ready to move on, and forgive and forget, then there’s no point to be married with a massive cloud hanging over everything.

I could not go through with it like this. He’s not sure either; it’s cruel to call it off, but on the other hand he doesn’t view you as highly as before, and it’s it’s no longer perfect.

This does not bode well for a happy wedding day.

So when this infidelity happened had you been with your now fiancée for 2 years at the time? And when did you disclose to him what happened?

In my experience healing from infidelity can take years and years to process, you go through various emotional stages and you also grieve for the relationship that was before the infidelity was discovered. You’ve got a long journey ahead if you are planning to move on with this and stay together. The wedding will make things even more complicated unfortunately….

Postponing isn't an option? He's not your manager and his behaviour is ringing alarm bells. You say he's moody, you're walking on eggshells, he doesn't value you as much and he 'didn't allow' you to break up with him.

You need to break up with him.

The wedding has to be cancelled. He isn't wanting to marry you for the right reasons.

Agree - cancel the wedding. It's not worth it.

You need to end it. There’s no coming back from this x