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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can I really be cross at ex for this?

20 replies

WaitAMinute · 26/05/2008 20:22

I feel a bit cross but know deep down that I shouldn't.

As a child I was abused by a family member (married in, not bio). I never told anyone about this until I told my ex about 10 years ago.

He was fuming as I expected and wanted to kill this bloke, I had to beg him not to do or say anything and reluctantly ge agreed but made sure I knew it shouldn't be kept secret and our kids were never to be left alone with him. Obviously this went without saying.

Thing is I have had to maintain slight contact with him for the sake of the family member he married whom I'm quite close to. If she was to find out, it would probably kill her. (no exaguration).

This means that my kids have had to have very rare but supervised contact with him too. Ex knew this would have to be the case.

Anyway the kids were at ex's house this weekend and one of them mentioned this man to ex...ex then flew into a rage about him saying he hated him and the kids were never to go near him or have anything to do with him. The kids are naturally confused as hell because as far as they know, he's just another family member.

They then came home asking what this person had done to dad because "dad wants to kill him" . The kids are 7 and 9.

I'm now worried they will say something to a family member, I couldn't deal with it if it all came out and at first I was cross with ex but then I thought 'how would I react if I knew ex was exposing our kids to a known paedophile?'

I'm just so upset that this has reared its ugly head again

OP posts:

SmugColditz · 26/05/2008 20:27

Well, how would you react if your ex was exposing your children to a known paedophile? Cos I'd probably react like your ex did, only without going tits in fromnt of the children!

This isn't about him going nuts about new men, and the possibility of one of them being abusive, the man you are seeing is a known paedophile.

cupsoftea · 26/05/2008 20:27

He abused you and you let him have contact with your kids and your ex doesn't like this. I'm with your ex on this.

beaniesteve · 26/05/2008 20:29

OMG - I really can't believe that you would go through this experience yourself and then put your kids in a situation where they have unsupervised contact with him.

CrackerOfNuts · 26/05/2008 20:30

'ex knew that this wouold have to be the case'

Why, do you have to put your children in this position ??

hls · 26/05/2008 20:30

First- sorry that you were abused.

Can you just brush it under the carpet and say that the kids got the wrong end of the stick- or even make up something your ex was annoyed about? i know it isn't ideal, but it might be better than having it all come out.

You need to talk to your ex too and make sure he has more self-control in future.
Failing that, if it does ever come out, then there is nothing you can do0 it would be awful, but on the other hand, why should you spend your life walking on egg shells, covering up for and PROTECTING someone who abused you?

You weren't to blame. Have you thought of maybe confiding in someone outside of the family,like a counsellor, to get another perspective on it?

It does seem unfair that this man is walking around without a care in the world, and you are covering his back.

Original poster

WaitAMinute · 26/05/2008 20:31

They don't have unsupervised contact with him! I'm not stupid. I go and visit the biological family member and he lives in the same house. They are never left alone with him or in that house at all. They barely speak to him.

OP posts:

CrackerOfNuts · 26/05/2008 20:32

Does the biological family member know about this person that lives in their house ??

Sorry. but I still think you are wrong to allow him anywhere near your children.

beaniesteve · 26/05/2008 20:32

Apologies, I read it as unsupervised.

hls · 26/05/2008 20:33

beanie- the OP said they have supervised contact.

Original poster

WaitAMinute · 26/05/2008 20:33

I know, I just don't know what else to do. It's not like its every week, its probably as much as once every 2 months or so and I am always there with them.

OP posts:

cupsoftea · 26/05/2008 20:35

Wonder what he thinks knowing he abused you & you bring your kids round for a supervised visit. Surprised your ex hasn't gone to social services with his concern.

MascaraOHara · 26/05/2008 20:36

Your children may not be left alone with him but are other peoples children?

Sorry but if my ex took my kids into that situation I would go ballistic and I certainly wouldn't keep my mouth shut. I'm with your ex compltely and utterly.. you're lucky he's not taking further action.

chamaeleon · 26/05/2008 20:37

WAM i cant imagine being in your situation but if i was your ex i would be mad as hell my kids were anywhere near the bloke. what if one of them goes to the loo? you cant be with them both all the time and i would be really worried if i had no control over them seing him

hls · 26/05/2008 20:39

I don't know the details WAM. How old were you when he abused you? What form did it take? Please don't answer if it's too painful.

The reason I ask, is that a member of my family was very "familiar" with me when i was a teenager- not abuse, but overstepping the boundaries and I hated being alone with him. he has since died. I never told anyone about it, in my family, as I knew it would cause a lot of upset, and he never did anything illegal- it was just overstepping "friendly" behaviour.

The reason I am saying this, is that he was not in any way a paedophile- he just could not keep his hands to himself, and i was about 16 at the time.

I suppose the reason I am saying all of this is that I don't know what you have been through.

Maybe it is time to pull the plug on this man, if he is a paedophile?

How do you know he is not abusing children now?

I don't know honestly how you are managing to bottle it all up.

I'm sorry- I don't know the answer, but these things do have a habit of rearing their heads no mater how much time has gone by.

Original poster

WaitAMinute · 26/05/2008 20:46

I know you're right (everyone) it's not on and my ex does have a right to be pissed off with me. I'm just shit at handling these things properly.

OP posts:

cupsoftea · 26/05/2008 20:51

Can you talk to someone about this - your gp could be the person to turn to.

macdoodle · 26/05/2008 20:53

I am sorry you were abused ...but are you made putting your kids at risk however small - your ex had every right to be angry ...sorry!

Original poster

WaitAMinute · 26/05/2008 20:53

I'm considering councelling because I'm sure it has something to do with my attitude towards men (bit of a man hater) which isn't great when raising sons.

OP posts:

hls · 26/05/2008 20:55

Only you know what this man did to you- can you HONESTLY say he is not now a threat to other children- yours and anyone else's?
If not, then you should report him, and hang the consequences for the rest of the family- it will be tough, but would you rather he put other kids through what happened to you?

bluewolf · 26/05/2008 21:07

like an idiot (probably) I am amazed you haven't exposed him for the utter he obviously is - this is a horrible and dangerous situation and all the wrong people are the ones worrying about the 'right thing' to do while he can carry on regardless. I don't have any experience of this first hand so I understand there might be more complicated tthings that I don't understand but I think you should be brave and I agree with hls that what he did should be reported

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