Feeling stuck and like an idiot

[Vinhoverde94]

I have been with my partner for over 9 years. We briefly split up early last year as I had been having doubts about the future due to some of his behaviour and I was also struggling severely mentally. I did a lot of CBT and decided to work on things. We have been back together for 9 months and things were going well initially. I had managed not to spiral into the negative thought cycle I had been in previously and live in the moment but today I am feeling like an idiot for taking him back.

There was an incident this weekend where he harshly disciplined the dog when she jumped up at him excitedly several times. He grabbed her collar and pinned her to the concrete ground but was then very affectionate to her afterwards when she stopped jumping etc. He also smokes cannabis everyday, he cut back during our split as this was something that bothered me but it's gotten worse and I spend most nights sitting on the sofa alone while he smokes in the garage. There's been a few comments that have bothered me about him doing everything in the household (when he does nothing in terms of cleaning) and some comments about me not getting a new car despite having separate finances. I love him but I am very worried that the behaviours that were an issue before are ramping back up and the incident with the dog shook me.

I just don't know what to do, I feel like a complete idiot for putting myself back in this situation but then know that I probably shouldn't be ignoring this because I feel embarrassed? I think my friends and family who supported me and gave me a place to stay will not be so supportive this time round as it's my own fault for going back.

If you're feeling stuck or unsure, read this slowly, one step at a time.

💬 Step 1: You are not an idiot — you're human

You gave someone another chance because you believed in love, and because you had hope. That’s not weakness. That’s courage. Please be kind to yourself — shame is heavy, and you don’t deserve to carry it.

🧠 Step 2: Trust the way this feels

You’ve noticed some clear warning signs:

The incident with the dog (which really is not okay)

The daily cannabis use and emotional distance

Comments that subtly undermine or guilt you

These aren’t minor issues — your gut is telling you this because it knows something is off. Trust it. You don’t need more proof than what your heart already feels.

💔 Step 3: This isn’t your fault

You did the work (CBT, healing, reflection). You walked back in hoping for something better. It doesn’t make you foolish — it makes you hopeful. His choices are not a reflection of your worth or effort.

👥 Step 4: Your friends and family will still support you

You're scared they’ll judge you — but true support doesn’t vanish just because you made a choice that didn’t work out. Most will say, “We’re just glad you’re safe and ready now.” You are not a burden for needing help again.

🔦 Step 5: Quietly explore your options

You don’t have to decide everything today — just take one small step:

Message a friend you trust.

Look into a safe space to go (even temporarily).

Write down how you feel, just for you — it helps clear the noise.

Even just acknowledging that this doesn’t feel right is a powerful start.

✨ Step 6: Imagine your peace

Ask yourself this gently:
“What would life feel like without this stress, fear, or second-guessing?”

That peace? That clarity? It’s still possible. You don’t have to stay in a space that feels unsafe or lonely — you deserve love that feels calm, not confusing

💛 Step 7: You are not alone

There are people — friends, strangers, women who’ve been here too — rooting for you. You are not weak. You are not too late. You are not broken.

You are allowed to choose you, even now.

Wow…. ChatGTP stepped into the room..

I don’t think you’re an idiot, you’d been together a long time it’s hard to walk away if you have any doubts. And if there’s no abuse I think it’s good to make an effort in a relationship, if you’ve committed to trying to make it work then that’s what you should do. So I think when you went back and he was full of promises and you saw change that was the right decision. But you can only work on a relationship if you’re both dedicated to do that and he isn’t, he’s now shown you he can do it but that he doesn’t want to. So now you know for sure and you can make sure you leave for good this time.

He’s a dick to your dog. Please. No matter any of the other issues. This is the number one red flag. He has done this in front of you. What has he done behind your back?
get rid of him. He is a horrible horrible person. He will give all excuses, dog was jumping, he was ‘training’ the dog.
your partner is aggressive. To be like this to a poor defenceless dog, he is a bully, and an animal abuser. Can u honestly say you trust him.
do not trust ANYONE who is cruel to animals. This is not ok and you know it. Your dog needs you to protect it. Your it’s mum. Please, get rid of this asshole.

What a horrible man.

You left him before for very good reasons, so you can do it again, and this time you can be 100% sure that you are doing the right thing. No one would blame you.

Never stay with an animal abuser. They often don't stop with animals.

I'd report the animal abuse. He shouldn't be around animals.

This is also part of makes it really hard as last time he wouldn't let me take her because I was the one who decided to break up so it almost makes me feel like I have to stay to at least be able to protect the dog from him

Please take the dog with you when you leave.

…and take that poor dog with you 🥹

And that's why you report.

Just go. With the dog. Don’t tell him til you've gone. And tell him it’s because he’s a pot head who abused the dog.

Jesus.

Yeah or ask him to help