Ex-wife's Addiction & Risky Behaviour! Can to Help

[Throwaway29]

Hi everyone( Ex-wife's Addiction & Risky Behaviour! How Can I Help)

I'm seeking advice regarding my ex-wife(we're both 40) with whom I share 3 children (under 10). We were slowly getting back together after both becoming single, which happened organically during family time.

During our separation, she developed drug and alcohol issues, exacerbated by previous relationship with a guy who supplied her the drugs(we cannot blame him as she is responsible for her actions).
For the sake of our kids, I helped her get sober from drugs, and she's now slowly cutting down on alcohol with my support.

However, when she drinks (even lightly), she repeatedly tries to contact this ex-bf to reignite and blatantly begs to meet up for sex(He is 27/unkempt/unemployed for their whole relationship(she / couch surfs for the last 2 years/ He has moved on with someone else and has told her he will not date her again but maybe just meet up for sex) . She's been engaging in risky and dangerous behaviours linked to him which she massively regrets after the fact so the obsession and attarction baffles the f out of me. After a day or two, she doesn't follow through on meeting him after sobering up, this pattern has occured three times now, I cannot force her to stop drinking as she is an adult and I am not her parent.

I've realised she is using me for the wrong reasons and not pure intentions(financial and emotional support maybe) and I've now stopped any reconciliation attempts. My main concern is her well-being for our children's sake; I don't want them to suffer because of her issues. She's already lost her job 6 months ago because she was heartbroken over him and lost her marbles over it(for lack of a clinical term), and the kids now prefer to be with me at my house due to her behaviour under the influence.

She can't afford therapy(I am not going to offer paying for her because I do a lot already), and NHS waiting lists are long and she just gives up applying pressure through her GP.

My questions are:
HOW CAN I HELP HER:

*Get to be her old self again or be free from this shackles of the addictive behaviours.
*Move on from this person who makes her worse?(she wants to)
*Get/seek professional help(anoymously if possible as she won't do it herself)

Any advice from those who've experienced similar situations would be greatly appreciated.

P/S I am not ugly, in shape/ we always had an amazing sex life even now(she brags about from out time together and even now)/ I own my own home/ a good dad and the house she lives in is owned by me and she pays zero, I pay her for the kids etc so I am baffled what makes someone be addicted to someone who has nothing to offer her(she wants morethan sex from this guy).

If she won't get help then you are on a hiding to nothing I am afraid. We have had addiction issues within our family and if people don't want to get help then nothing you can do will make a difference I am sorry to say.

I have a question back for you - are you sure you want to get back together with someone who has such significant issues that she refuses to address? And someone who is actively recontacting her ex - where's your self-esteem? Don't you think you deserve better? (I found that comment about boasting about sex quite grubby and unnecessary by the way and it very much undermined the other points you made before then).

I have above average self-asteem i would say, and i think i went on a bit so I think it's obvious to miss the bit where I stated "I've realised she is using me for the wrong reasons and not pure intentions(financial and emotional support maybe) and I've now stopped any reconciliation attempts."

Yes it was a bit long, so I missed that because it started with the 'were getting back together' and it didn't sound equivocal. My point still stands in terms of not being able to help people who won't help themselves.

Recovering alcoholic here, the most important thing you do is you keep your children safe and happy and you facilitate a nurturing, healthy relationship between her and them. Take any relationship stuff off the table. Stop focusing on trying to save her. Keep your kids healthy and happy and be a safe landing place for her to visit and have a relationship with them for their benefit. Get the kids support through school so they have access to play/talking therapy.

Getting sober is free. Actually it’s a hell of a lot cheaper than drinking and using drugs. She can choose to reach out and get that support and get sober if she wants to. There are AA meetings everywhere all day long and online. There are other sober support communities. I belong to one (Bee Sober) which costs me £15 a month. That’s less than I was spending on wine daily. If she wants to get sober, she can. There are people out there ready to support her. But she has to make that choice and you can’t make it for her. If you want to encourage anything, encourage her to reach out and go to some meetings and meet some other people in the same boat.