Please can I have Advice about Leaving Father of my DS

[threemountains]

I’ve reached a point where I think I may need to end my relationship with my DP and I’m looking for advice/wisdom about how that might play out on a practical level.

We are not married. The house we live in has my name only on the deeds and mortgage and was bought with the proceeds from our previous house plus money from my parents. The previous house was the same: in my name only, bought outright by my family’s money (I know, I’m very lucky). We did that house up together and it rose substantially in value over 5 years. DP paid approx 3k towards repayments to my mum for a loan she gave us to buy the house.

DP has ADHD and struggles to earn a living. He’s been financially dependent on me to a greater or lesser extent through the whole of our relationship.

Four years ago we moved to the town where he grew up and lived with his relatives for 2 years while he did up our current house. Obviously he wasn’t earning during that time and was putting time and energy into the property. Also, his family were supporting us by putting a roof over our heads. I made a contribution towards bills for the final year we lived there, and paid for our food, and also all bills relating to our own house.

Last year DP had a severe accident leaving him bed bound for months and he is now self employed and trying to earn, but this is not going smoothly. I’m still paying for all the bills and progress on our house, which is far from finished, has almost stopped.

We have one DS who is 6 and who I am the main parent for, though DP has done more in the last year, at my request, and can be a good dad. He does three school runs per week and cooks dinner on those days. I do the majority of school holiday and weekend care.

My question is, if we were to split up, how would we start to pull apart finances and custody arrangements? I would want to be fair but we would definitely need a mediator or solicitor to help facilitate any agreements and get DP to stick to them. Presumably I would owe him money in exchange for the work he has done on this house but how on earth can all that be worked out?

I think I’ve been scared of leaving for a long time and I’m trying to work through some of my blocks. DP is really not good at being ‘real’ with money so I know that he will feel entitled to far more than I feel is fair. But I would want it to be fair to him and I guess I’m a bit worried that the amount I might owe would be unaffordable for me.

In terms of the childcare arrangements I feel it would be likely that he would move back in with his relatives, in the shorter term, who would give him support with looking after DS. I would prefer to have DS for more that 50% of the time and I think if DS had a choice he would want to be with me every night. Obviously DP would have his say and again I’m scared about how things would play out. Do things generally have to go to 50%\50%? How is this generally discussed and resolved?

Thanks for reading and TIA for any responses

I would not make the assumption that you will owe DP more than you can afford. After all, you were the breadwinner during the relationship, and his "job" was working on the house. So, while you contributed to the expenses that supported your lifestyle, he contributed to the increased value of the home without supporting your lifestyle.

I think when you add up the totals of all the bills you have paid over the years, as well as anything to do with the care of your child, yourselves and your home, and then compare that against what he has contributed in supplies and labor to the house, and any bills he might have paid, and I believe you will still probably come out ahead.

It would be more than generous for you to offer to split the increased value of the home, and pay him that amount, along with his time and supplies, and the $3,000 loan repayment, which represents the fruit of his labor. If he tries to argue that he should get it all, remind him that if you had not been paying for a roof over his head and everything else, he would not have been in a position to work on the house. And if the threats continue, then you will say that both sides will account for all expenses, time and money put into the household. This is where you add up the costs of "you" cleaning, etc.

A mediator may suggest that you each contract a separate valuation surveyor to perform a valuation on the property that can show you the increased value amount and then the spot in-between the two valuations is what is selected.

Thanks for responding. I think I will have to face the reality that I could owe him tens of thousands, which would probably mean I’d have to sell.

Going through mediation and trying to agree on each other’s contribution sounds so hard! Has anyone had experience of this with a difficult partner?

I don't think you owe him tens of thousands. You are supporting him and have much of this relationship. That evens things out. Don't make the first offer or go to mediation with that thought.

I have been through mediation with a very very difficult (ex now) DH. I went and got some legal advice first so I knew my position and could go in to it informed. The mediators are trained solicitors and there to ensure it's fair and no one gets shafted. I'd suggest getting all your facts on paper and prepared then get a solicitor appt.

Thanks so much for the advice. I’ll start getting information together and ask around about a solicitor. In terms of custody, is it likely to be 50/50 if thats was DP wants?

As you’re not married you can just offer him back what he has put in i’d say, as the house is in your name. He may get 50-50 yes. Whilst your child may prefer to be with you more, your DP is entitled to share custody.

It can be hard on children 50-50. Some parents do 1 week each, which in some ways is easier than back and forth, especially as they get older and need more things for school etc. Hard on the parents though, going a week without seeing their child. We started with 50-50 and I hated it. My ex soon realised he couldn’t actually pick up (or rather wouldn’t, his job would have allowed flexibility) and eventually ended up with kids just staying with him every so often, and he just visited them, which worked for us. Eventually he worked overseas most of the time so meant kids were with me 100%.

@Zanatdy How long did it take your ex to change from the 50-50? My DP would struggle to run a house, earn a living and do 50% childcare, but i imagine he’d live with his family to start with and then get with another woman who would prop him up. But I guess if he has 50% of the time and then relies on other people to look after DS then thats his choice. I just don’t like the thought of it.
(edited to tag Zanatdy)