I am obsessed with a woman and I have been for three years.

[0BSESSED]

Sometimes it lessens but this has been going on for most of the time. Just typing this is making me realise it’s nuts.
I'm married to a man.
She is a friend but I only see her about once a year, we message every day though. I think about her on the rare occasion me and my partner have sex, I think about her when I’m on my own.
I think about her a lot during the day.
I spend time wondering what she’s thinking about me, how to reply, fantasising about her.
Help me stop, this is too long now.

Same. It’s been about 7 years now. I don’t know how to help you but I know how you feel

Same. Two years now. Unfortunately I see her every day. She's my best friend. I'd do anything to make her life easier day to day and see her smile.

You message every day?

I'd start with cutting that down to once or twice a week.

Oh god really, do you see the person often?

Oh interesting. The one before this one was my best friend. Those feelings died and now I don’t think of her in that way at all. So I know it’s possible but that time was only for a few months. This is years now

We are in a group chat which makes it tricky. I also really appreciate her friendship.

Yep. About 5 days a week. She’s my best friend, going through a cancer diagnosis so I can’t just cut her off

If you want to commit fully to your marriage then messaging every day seems wrong. It is probably feeding your obsession with her. Do you think you would be happier in a relationship with a woman or do you think you are obsessed because of what she represents (ie might you prefer to be living her life?).

Probably a bit of both, how can you tell? I have only ever kissed women and that was in my 20s (I’m nearly 50). So I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship with a woman.
She is single and has quite a nice life, I look up to her I suppose because she’s clever and funny

Well you've said in your OP, "Help me stop".

If you're serious about that, you'll have to start with less contact.

Yes you’re right

I left my husband.

Don't see yourself as being helpless to it, you need to distract yourself with something else/other things. You've got into a bit of an obsessive loop like someone does if they've developed a gambling addiction or something - (maybe you get a dopamine hit from just thinking about her?) but you can take charge of that and not be controlled by it. You do need less contact and to swap your focus to something else.

So she thinks you are her friend?

Speaking as someone who had what I thought was a best mate, we spoke every other day and hung out maybe 8 times a month and I had no clue that she was even bi until she dropped into conversation one day. I thought nothing of it (I'm straight). Until 2 months later she completely ghosted me.

Broke my heart and left me paranoid id done or said something wrong.

Two years later I get a message to tell me she is sorry she vanished. That she had liked me the whole 'friendship' and had to end it for her feelings sake.

Honestly I'm not sympathetic. Not remotely. Not just because she ghosted but because our whole friendship was a lie.

That's what you are doing to this woman. It's not ok. At least have the decency to reduce contact. So that you aren't such a big part of her day. And she doesn't feel too heartbroken when you finally get a grip of yourself and decide to end the friendship. Your feelings are not her responsibility fyi.

I suppose I keep thinking that since the other time with my best friend faded away then this would too. But it isn’t.

and to the person who said it’s a dopamine thing, yes I guess it is.

this group is important to me though and I’d have to reject all the friends

Thank you for being honest about this. Would it be better if I tell her before I go quiet then? Would that have helped you?

or make something else up?

I would just gradually fade away contact. Cite being busy with work/family etc... I mean it's still shitty but at least it's not ghosting.

I wouldn't tell her how I felt, no.

I appreciated the honesty in my case but only because it cleared up the ghosting. I would not have wanted to know at the time. Other people might feel differently in the same situation to be fair. But imo it would have been a burden.

I'd also feel the same way I do about men who hang around pretending to be your friend when in fact they have ulterior motives.
Maybe that's unfair but it's how I'd feel none the less.

Just fade out imo. Might take some time of course.

“Probably a bit of both, how can you tell? I have only ever kissed women and that was in my 20s (I’m nearly 50). So I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship with a woman.
She is single and has quite a nice life, I look up to her I suppose because she’s clever and funny”

Perhaps the more useful question is: do you want to be with your husband?

I think it’s quite normal to have crushes in long-term relationships. I certainly have them periodically. Wedding vows acknowledge this. Other people don’t magically cease to be attractive just because you’re married.

The point of commitment for me is that even when I’ve got a bit of a crush on someone else, I’m very clear that I don’t want to be with them instead of my DH. In fact, I’m very aware that, if the tables were turned and I was married to the person who was my crush, then I might well be crushing on the person who is my DH, if you see what I mean. The fact that your crushes are same sex may or may not be significant.

Your posts make no meaningful mention of your DH. Do you love him? Do you want to remain in your marriage? If so, you need to move away from daily contact with your crush.

If you want to get over the obsession, you coud look into the concept of Limerance, and perhaps find a good therapist with experience in this area.

I believe that this kind of obsession is sometimes there to fulfill a need/serve some kind of purpose is in your life. You may also want to try identify exactly what it is that attracts you to her. It may just be qualities that you feel you’re missing?