Sorry, this is a long one. Looking for some (mainly female) perspective here please.
Recently I found out that my wife kissed a guy three times over a three week period while we were on a break 19 years ago. We had a complicated start to our relationship (sizeable age gap, worked together, both of us were with others at the very start - not proud) and we split up on a couple of occasions due to these pressures and challenges. We had fallen in love though and got back together each time. After reuniting following the second split (two months), I heard a rumour she’d kissed this guy at a party and asked her if it was true. She denied it and I took her at her word, happy to be reunited and keen to get on with our life together.
Fast forward nearly two decades to last year, and on a night out together over bottles of wine, we both started chatting about the past. She asked me about my baggage (no infidelity) and I asked her about hers, including whether anything had actually gone on with this guy. We’re very honest with each other and she felt she was in a safe space, so confessed she’d actually kissed him three times on three different nights out over a very short period of time, but it had just been drunken snogs and meant nothing to either of them. It was just a bit of fun.
We have now been together 20 years (apart from those early breaks), married for 15, have a lovely life, an incredible daughter and still truly dote on each other. But I’m struggling to move away from the pain those actions and subsequent lie (my wife is the most honest person I know, and has a very high moral compass on fidelity) caused and the fact it was with someone we both worked with who I regarded as a friend. She wasn’t unfaithful of course, because we were apart at the time, she was young (24), drunk, her tryst meant nothing, and went no further than just snogging. Yet it’s really affected how I feel trust for her. I’m now jealous (never have been before), more paranoid when she’s away (she travels a lot with her job) and generally insecure about us, even questioning whether I can ever come to terms with this. I’m also angry with the guy - a colleague for a further two years after this and someone I had regarded as a friend - but that’s stupid male ego.
This has also caused her much pain too. She thought I’d just laugh it off after all these years and so much security / water under the bridge for us, but is devastated at the hurt she’s caused me over something so innocuous to her. And while she gave me all the facts I’ve asked for - even though some were embarrassing for her and none of my business - she can no longer discuss the matter with me as it makes her anxious, nervous and upset. Meanwhile my mind races creating loads of what if scenarios that fuel my paranoia.
I understand this isn’t a normal reaction by me, and I should be able to move past this, bearing in mind how strong our marriage is and securely attached we are. I’m just interested to know if my reaction to something so long ago is unusual / totally off the mark. I love my wife so much and this won’t ever break us, but the lie and the vivid image of her with someone else I know hurts like hell at times.