Right person wrong time?

[Clmtht]

Advice please. I was seeing a guy for a couple of months and broke it off last week (although he agreed) - broke it off cos he was fresh out of a long term relationship and we were both moving a slightly different paces and we are in different stages of life at the moment.

We dated 10 years ago but we were so young we ended it. To reconnect as adults was amazing (we are both 30). We have always had a soft spot for eachother and a really special connection that neither of us have had with anyone else.

I feel really regretful that its not quite the right time but I miss him and I feel like checking in.

I know I can, but Im hesitant because I don't want to put myself in a vulnerable position. I also want him to be happy and free to heal.

He did say we could be friends and when hes ready, if I am still willing, we can try again, but I was so upset I declined. I wish I had let him know that the door can be left open and if it happens, it happens, if not, fine (Im not waiting for him).

Its been a week only. We wished eachother well and we still have eachother on socials, theres no bad blood.

I have been crying everyday when I get into bed because the situation just feels so cruel ☹️

Any advice or happy endings?

He’s still just out of a relationship, however upsetting this is for you. Avoid like the plague unless you’re happy to be a rebound for 3-6 months. He needs time to heal if it’s going to last so see how he’s doing in a year or so, but don’t jump in now.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, OP; this kind of thing is very painful.

But actually I think you need to harden your heart against him a bit. You didn’t make it work when you were young, despite a powerful connection, and you haven’t made it work this time (or rather, he hasn’t).

But he’s already cast too long a shadow over you. You say you shared a connection with him that you’ve never shared with anyone else. I wonder whether it’s that you and he shared the intensity of first love. I understand that’s a connection you can’t have again with someone else.

But the idea that in a decade or so, you’ve never had an equivalent connection with anyone else - well, that worries me. That suggests you’ve got stuck in ways that aren’t helpful to you.

And I don’t hugely believe in right person, wrong time. If someone’s important enough, you make the timing work for you.

I’m in my mid-50s. I had a huge crush on a secondary school friend. In our early 20s, we found out that the attraction had been mutual. We did some dating; we had some intimacy. We were good friends who got on very well and shared a powerful physical attraction. But despite 3 or 4 years of dipping in and out of each other’s lives during our early-mid 20s, we still couldn’t get anything off the ground. We just weren’t meant to.

We’re still friends now - he married a fabulous woman (also now a friend) in his late 20s and I got together with a terrific man around the same time. We had had powerful feelings for each other but they weren’t a barrier to us having stronger feelings for other people.

That’s what I want for you. Because this guy - he’s been in your way for too long and has now let you down again. He needs to get firmly into your past and you need to practise connecting with other men.

Good advice. If it didn't work in the past then there's probably a good reason.

That's why I don't give exes a second chance. Now.

You live and learn.

Plus she was friend zoned.

Red flag.

They can't be friends if she has romantic feelings.

That's going to be hard on her.
Maybe once those feelings have gone she can be friends. Just maybe.

Very tough one OP. Did he say whether he has strong feelings for you or are they not strong enough? If he's feeling he needs to heal first that's a good thing that he's realised tbis

He said he has feelings and we are on the same page in that. But he felt we were moving too fast and asked if we could slow down. He reassured me he isnt going anywhere but I took that as a slight rejection and l cut it off. Now I have had time to think, I kind of regret my choice

I broke it off with him, we werent first loves but it was the one that never quite happened situation. This time I just felt he needed time to heal - he didnt want to end it he asked if we could just move slower but I didnt feel capable. I regret that choice

Have a chat with him and explain how you feel

It sounds like you've both been honest with yourselves and eachother. You only regret being honest with him because youre holding out hope that one day you'll reach the same page, rather than because you dont feel this way- you did the right thing.

We have always had a soft spot for eachother and a really special connection that neither of us have had with anyone else.

I mean this gently, but for you this might be the case but doesn't mean it is for him. Invariably at some point within the past 10 years if he wanted to be with you he would. He's reeling from a break up which means he did have that with someone else, you need to move on too so youre more open to meeting someone else rather than this man.

“I broke it off with him, we werent first loves but it was the one that never quite happened situation. This time I just felt he needed time to heal - he didnt want to end it he asked if we could just move slower but I didnt feel capable. I regret that choice”

So you’ve ended it twice? Despite really wanting to be with him? That really does sound like self-sabotage. In my case, it was my friend who moved on.

Have you told him you regret your choice? If not, what’s stopping you? Do you not trust yourself not to end it again?

It’s as if you have an idea in your head about how this should go and you’re not interested in allowing it to evolve any other way. And this is the guy you claim to have a particularly special connection with.

Sorry for haranguing you, OP, but it seems like you’re your own worst enemy in this. Have you looked into love addiction/avoidance addiction? Basically two sides of the same coin. You seem to want him most when you don’t have him. And your sense of the special connection stops you becoming involved with anyone else. It’s got avoidance written all over it. That’s probably a defence mechanism which can be unlearned. I think it might be worth looking into for you. (Btw: I speak as someone who had to have a lot of relationship therapy and unlearn a lot of unhelpful behaviours).

I did send a message and told him how I felt and asked if he would consider going slow as he said, but he said that actually I was right, he isnt ready and is struggling with ending his last relationship so he needs to heal, so he cant agree to anything right now, but we can stay in touch.

My last ex was a narcissist so yes, I do agree with what you say. I think I am prone to unintentional self sabotage but also I was right that this specific situation is very much not a good time....its all a bit messed up....I always saw myself as having an anxious attachment, never avoidant

@Clmtht - understood. This guy may be trying to protect himself from you a bit also, since you have finished with him twice, even if you regretted it the second time.

I think anxious attachment may often lead to the same place as avoidant attachment. You’re so convinced the other person will wake up and realise they can’t possibly want you so you try to get your rejection in first. At least, that was where I was coming from at first with my now DH. Fortunately he’d had therapy for his own unhealthy relationship patterns so recognised what I was doing.

Relationships can start messily especially when we’re a bit older going into them as most of us have some baggage.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It is very painful. And it’s hard if your previous relationship experience was a bad one also.

I’m hoping that a lovely new man will be along to distract you soon because it does sound like it’s not going to happen with this guy because he’s clearly willing to let you go again.

..