Friend cannot accept status quo between partners.

[KayMarie121]

I’ve known my friend a lot of years and she has finally met a man in later life she wants to marry. This man is very neurodivergent and has lots of traits that make it difficult for people to want to be in his company. Instead of conversation, we get performances of rehearsed facts & jokes, with accompanying dancing, loudness and immature behaviour. Imagine being in a posh restaurant with your dearest, and at the table next to you a guy gets up and starts loudly cracking jokes, spinning round and going the full Bobby Ball for everyone to hear. Highly annoying if you’re paying a lot to go out. Embarrassing for us. No matter what she does, it happens every time. I have a small social battery anyway, and none of this is pleasant for folks even with more social stamina. My friend looks awkward and scared every time we have gone out as she worries as to how her partner is received. It’s been many years.
my hubby is not a chap who craves close friendships and nor am I, but my friend always has and continues to push for foursome nights out. I’ve told her my hubby isn’t interested and tried to be polite and kind, and I’m happy to meet her as we have always done. My hubby would not choose to spend his spare time & money on being in this couples space. I’m happy to see my friend- Coffee, meal, cinema, craft evening etc, but that’s all I can offer. She continues to push for couples nights out and I’m at the end of my rope, as she cannot take this hint, not respect my hubbys right to his choice and space when he doesn’t want to do couple stuff with them. I feel
she is lonely and has always been more ‘peopley’ than me, and I do care for her, but I cannot promise monthly outings, girly stuff, etc as I work 2 jobs, have arthritis, grandkids and elderly relatives to look after. She only sees her own predicament and has no respect for the word no. I’m happy in my life and I respect my husbands choices and space, we have a great life. I’m about to snap when she keeps pushing for it as I don’t know how to explain it more- nobody wants to be nasty do they?

YABU for banging on about 'your hubby'. Grow up. He's your husband FFS. So cringe.

Tell her. You're sure he's a lovely guy but his performances are embarrassing. You're not seeing her anyway so if she take the hump at what you say, you're not losing anything. She'll come back when they break up.

You might need to be clearer and say that although you appreciate her friendship, your DH doesn't gel with her boyfriend.

Can you do an occasional couples night IN with either you or them hosting at home? It won't work if you're husband's dead set against spending any time with Bobby, but it would at least eliminate the factor of being embarrassed that your party is disturbing other people, and would also keep the costs down and maybe make you both feel less like you're wasting a rare night out.

Otherwise, I think you have to make sure you've made it very clear that there won't be couples' time and if she still persists after that just really kind of "grey rock" her. Ignore, redirect, say something like "you know we can't" or "we've talked abut this, remember?" and then change the subject and don't give in. Don't make excuses, either; you already said no.

How about this:

'Hi friend. This is awkward but I need to be clear. As you know <My husband> has never been particularly sociable. He's really not interested in socialising with another couple. It's just not his thing. He's not going to change and I'm not going to ask him to. Please don't give us any more joint invitations. Look forward to our next coffee.'

And then

'I've already explained that we are not interested in socialising as a couple. Please desist '

thank you everyone. Sorry for using the word hubby- just quicker to type and I see no issue with that as a middle aged woman. I’ve just let things roll too long so it’s my own silly fault for trying to keep peace. I’m not against people for having differences- variety is the spice of life and I see a lot in myself and try to be kind whatever the scenario. I think what’s difficult is when someone doesn’t read the room and persistently tries to hold court, extremely loudly, but then sulks if it’s not well received. Thanks for your input.

Don’t apologise to the angry one about Hubby. It’s not my favourite word to be honest but that was totally unnecessary of them. Must be having a bad day to get so wound up over a word

Is hubby worse than DH?! Some women use the word hubby, you might not like the word, but some do and it doesn’t hurt anyone. Really isn’t offensive enough to tell someone to grow up is it

I’m not up on any of these internet abbreviations sadly! 😀