First date and unsure how I feel

Fandango52 · 2025-07-13T19:55:25+00:00

On the apps and had a first date today with a guy who I’ve been messaging for a couple of weeks. He seems really nice and I had a really good time with him today. We have a few common interests, and he’s good to chat to, and has nice eyes and seems like a decent kisser. I didn’t really feel anything when we were kissing - no butterflies or anything - and felt kind of indifferent to kissing him. He does seem like a really decent guy though - very polite and seems very kind. I just don’t think I fancy him though. I’m very aware we don’t know each other, and so are trying to get to know each other and work out if we fancy each other too. When we left, he said he’d like to meet again, and has since messaged on the app saying he had a nice time. I don’t know if I should just carry on to see where it goes with him, even if I don’t think I fancy him? I don’t want him to feel like I’m leading him on. I also don’t know how he feels about me. I’m also lining up a couple of dates with other guys too. I also feel insecure about my lack of dating and sexual experience (the last time I dated was about 6 years ago, and I’ve never prioritised it because of insecurity over various things like my appearance, although I feel much better about that now and finally ready and confident enough for dating). What’s the best way for me to handle this?

Cheesystick · 13/07/2025 21:26

Go on a second date. Attraction can grow. It has for me.

Butterflies are just anxiety you're confusing for excitement.

I've never had a good relationship with anyone I've had those teenage 'butterflies' for - it's always been awful

mnahmnah · 13/07/2025 21:28

Definitely a second date. Doing something different. You often see them in a different light, good or bad. And yes, attraction can grow. It sounds like a good foundation to see what happens. Nothing to lose!

CaptainJason · 13/07/2025 21:29

This was how I felt on my first date (first couple of dates!) with my now husband

MirrorMirror1247 · 13/07/2025 21:31

Neither me nor my boyfriend felt much of a spark on our first date, even though we'd got on well. But when he asked about a second, I thought I might as well go and see what happened. We went bowling and we were both much more relaxed. Things blossomed from there. That was last May and I love him to bits now.

FutureCatMum · 13/07/2025 21:39

As PP’s have said, when I’ve had an instant attraction on a first date it’s always led to the most unbelievable car crashes of relationships. So that’s no indicator.
Ive also not felt attraction and seen guys again and the second date confirmed we weren’t suited.
You’ve nothing to lose by seeing him again. See what you have in common.

GaraMedouar · 13/07/2025 21:40

Nice eyes is good. I recently had a first date with a guy who I’d been messaging and chatting on the phone with - we got on really well , but the first date I didn’t feel an attraction, tried a second date and he kissed me and it was a big nope from me - I wasn’t sure after the first date so I’m glad I gave it a chance but was just not for me.
go with your gut after a second date.
My chap was perfect on paper, seemed nice and decent but I didn’t fancy him and my gut was screaming no for some reason - disappointing but that’s just how it was- back to the drawing board…

Foodoverload · 13/07/2025 21:48

I had a lovely time on my first date with DP, but didn’t feel a spark. Second date had a great time, but unsure if I fancied him. Third date felt butterflies and then knew there was something there.

I lacked confidence in myself but was a seasoned dater. Granted none went past second dates as I never felt a spark. My friends said I brushed people off too soon.

I thought with DP I would give it 3 dates if we got on. What was different was I felt comfortable with him. Felt I knew him for ages, like an old friend I hadn’t seen for years.

I realised I am an asking burner and its personality rather than instant spark. After the 3rd date I was excited when he texted me. Been together over 3 years now.

Nt23 · 13/07/2025 22:17

I think a lot of women go into first dates these days, with somewhat unrealistic expectations of how it's going to go.

I think you're unlikely to feel a spark or a connection in a thirty minute meeting in costa coffee with someone who is effectively a total stranger.

FionaJT · 13/07/2025 22:19

Another vote for giving it a bit longer. I'm 4 months in with someone who I was unsure about until the third date, and we didn't kiss until then, by which time I really wanted to! It's so weird when you're basically meeting total stranger and evaluating them while trying to act naturally. But I'm very glad I gave it a bit of time.

Original poster

Fandango52 · 14/07/2025 13:46

Hi everyone, thanks so much for your thoughts. I’ve slept on it and am just not feeling it. I’m not actively looking forward to spending time with him again or chatting with him over messages, even though I had a nice time yesterday.

This is going to sound awful, but the main reason why I want to see him again is because he sounds decent (even though I know we don’t actually know each other) and I’m worried I won’t find anyone else.

I’m actually looking forward to getting into dating and just exploring it and meeting new people.

I’m also unsure about how to let him know how to feel. don’t want to ghost him, but I’m not sure how to handle the message and what to write. I’m thinking of sending something along the lines of the below, but I’m unsure how to conclude it:

It was lovely meeting you yesterday and I had a really nice time…..

I’m just not sure how to phrase the next bit about not feeling it! The only things I can think of here sound cheesy, insincere or just blunt and harsh. I want to be clear but polite and kind.

Thanks all!

OP posts:

QueenBakingBee · 14/07/2025 14:37

OP it feels like you are spending far too much time thinking about this - it was one date! Ask yourself why you are spending so much of your time worrying about this.

Your text is fine, send something like - I had a nice time but don't want to see you again. Take care. It's simple, to the point and doesn't prompt any follow up.

You don't owe this guy who you've only just met any more of your headspace!

Also, only kiss a man you want to kiss! Imagine you've been on a couple of dates and catch yourself thinking about what it'll be like to kiss him. Those are the best first kisses! No need to kiss all the frogs on a first date. It isn't a rule.

I've dated a fair bit and this time around, the only guy I've kissed (out of all the first dates I went on) is the guy I'm now exclusively seeing. That kiss was worth it!

TwistedWonder · 14/07/2025 14:40

It’s fine OP. Even if you’re not sure that you’re attracted to someone else, you usually have an idea if you want to see them again.

Just drop him a message saying you had a nice time but you don’t feel there was a spark between you and wish him well.

Original poster

Fandango52 · 14/07/2025 15:17

QueenBakingBee · 14/07/2025 14:37

OP it feels like you are spending far too much time thinking about this - it was one date! Ask yourself why you are spending so much of your time worrying about this.

Your text is fine, send something like - I had a nice time but don't want to see you again. Take care. It's simple, to the point and doesn't prompt any follow up.

You don't owe this guy who you've only just met any more of your headspace!

Also, only kiss a man you want to kiss! Imagine you've been on a couple of dates and catch yourself thinking about what it'll be like to kiss him. Those are the best first kisses! No need to kiss all the frogs on a first date. It isn't a rule.

I've dated a fair bit and this time around, the only guy I've kissed (out of all the first dates I went on) is the guy I'm now exclusively seeing. That kiss was worth it!

I think I’m thinking about it so much for a couple of reasons. Partly because he seemed like a nice man, so I don’t want to upset him by not seeing him again. Also, partly because I worry I won’t meet someone as nice - or maybe I won’t end up meeting anyone. I do realise all of these feelings are fairly irrational though, and are just from a nasty voice in my head. I think they come from the fact that I haven’t got much dating experience at all. I think it’ll be helpful for me to get more experience, to work out what I want and what I don’t want.

OP posts:

Cheesystick · 14/07/2025 15:21

If it was 'lovely' to meet him and you had a 'really nice time' why are you saying no to a second date?

Just say, 'Good to meet you but I'm not feeling it and don't fancy meeting up again. Wishing you good luck!'

Leave it at that. Why all the drama.

Original poster

Fandango52 · 14/07/2025 15:28

Cheesystick · 14/07/2025 15:21

If it was 'lovely' to meet him and you had a 'really nice time' why are you saying no to a second date?

Just say, 'Good to meet you but I'm not feeling it and don't fancy meeting up again. Wishing you good luck!'

Leave it at that. Why all the drama.

I just don’t feel like seeing him again. That’s why.

OP posts:

Littleredraincoat · 14/07/2025 16:31

I'd only kiss on the first date if I were really, really keen. Couldn't imagine kissing someone I didn't fancy.

QueenBakingBee · 14/07/2025 17:06

Fandango52 · 14/07/2025 15:17

I think I’m thinking about it so much for a couple of reasons. Partly because he seemed like a nice man, so I don’t want to upset him by not seeing him again. Also, partly because I worry I won’t meet someone as nice - or maybe I won’t end up meeting anyone. I do realise all of these feelings are fairly irrational though, and are just from a nasty voice in my head. I think they come from the fact that I haven’t got much dating experience at all. I think it’ll be helpful for me to get more experience, to work out what I want and what I don’t want.

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he seemed like a nice man, so I don’t want to upset him by not seeing him again - this is what I mean - if he is upset by a girl he went on one date with doesn't want to see him again, then thats on him. You aren't responsible for how he feels. Just how you feel.

I worry I won’t meet someone as nice - or maybe I won’t end up meeting anyone. You are right, this is irrational - you seem kind, able to communicate etc etc. You will meet someone nice, promise!

I think it’ll be helpful for me to get more experience, to work out what I want and what I don’t want. - you've figured it out on what you need to do - thats great! If you want some advice, try watching some Hope with Holly - she has an approach to dating that I adopted.. it starts with you writing down what makes you awesome, then your non-negotiables, then your nice to haves and so on. Take a look and see if it resonates.

I know it feels like I'm having a go, I promise I'm not. Dating should be fun and an opportunity to learn. You've got this!

Original poster

Fandango52 · 14/07/2025 17:08

Littleredraincoat · 14/07/2025 16:31

I'd only kiss on the first date if I were really, really keen. Couldn't imagine kissing someone I didn't fancy.

Yeah - I feel the same. I was wondering if we would kiss, but was hoping we wouldn’t. He initiated the kiss and I accepted it, thinking maybe I’d feel differently when I kissed him, but I didn’t. I’m going to ask a silly question, but I’m not sure how to deflect a kiss if it’s initiated and I’m not in the mood? I can ‘reject’ a kiss, if I want to, but not sure how?

OP posts:

Original poster

Fandango52 · 14/07/2025 17:10

QueenBakingBee · 14/07/2025 17:06

he seemed like a nice man, so I don’t want to upset him by not seeing him again - this is what I mean - if he is upset by a girl he went on one date with doesn't want to see him again, then thats on him. You aren't responsible for how he feels. Just how you feel.

I worry I won’t meet someone as nice - or maybe I won’t end up meeting anyone. You are right, this is irrational - you seem kind, able to communicate etc etc. You will meet someone nice, promise!

I think it’ll be helpful for me to get more experience, to work out what I want and what I don’t want. - you've figured it out on what you need to do - thats great! If you want some advice, try watching some Hope with Holly - she has an approach to dating that I adopted.. it starts with you writing down what makes you awesome, then your non-negotiables, then your nice to haves and so on. Take a look and see if it resonates.

I know it feels like I'm having a go, I promise I'm not. Dating should be fun and an opportunity to learn. You've got this!

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Thanks Queen - this is really helpful. And don’t worry, I didn’t take your first post as having a go - you asked valid questions! I was also asking them myself 😂

OP posts:

CheerybleBrothers · 14/07/2025 17:11

Fandango52 · 14/07/2025 17:08

Yeah - I feel the same. I was wondering if we would kiss, but was hoping we wouldn’t. He initiated the kiss and I accepted it, thinking maybe I’d feel differently when I kissed him, but I didn’t. I’m going to ask a silly question, but I’m not sure how to deflect a kiss if it’s initiated and I’m not in the mood? I can ‘reject’ a kiss, if I want to, but not sure how?

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The same way you’d reject someone taking your hand or standing closer to you than you wanted.

LittlleMy · 14/07/2025 17:12

FutureCatMum · 13/07/2025 21:39

As PP’s have said, when I’ve had an instant attraction on a first date it’s always led to the most unbelievable car crashes of relationships. So that’s no indicator.
Ive also not felt attraction and seen guys again and the second date confirmed we weren’t suited.
You’ve nothing to lose by seeing him again. See what you have in common.

Very true! 😭 My recent ex was an absolute hottie and instant and immediate attraction but on reflection not all that much in common other than going out so no longevity in it. Personally I would always give a nice and courteous man a second chance unless there was absolutely zero attraction physically since that’s either there or not.

Original poster

Fandango52 · 14/07/2025 17:41

LittlleMy · 14/07/2025 17:12

Very true! 😭 My recent ex was an absolute hottie and instant and immediate attraction but on reflection not all that much in common other than going out so no longevity in it. Personally I would always give a nice and courteous man a second chance unless there was absolutely zero attraction physically since that’s either there or not.

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There just wasn’t any physical attraction for me, even though he was nice-looking.

OP posts:

TwistedWonder · 14/07/2025 17:48

Fandango52 · 14/07/2025 17:41

There just wasn’t any physical attraction for me, even though he was nice-looking.

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I’ve been on first dates with perfectly nice boys and we got on well but I know there’s nothing about them that makes me want to see them again.

Theres nothing dramatic about telling them you enjoyed the date but don’t feel there’s any attraction ton.

Littleredraincoat · 14/07/2025 18:54

Fandango52 · 14/07/2025 17:08

Yeah - I feel the same. I was wondering if we would kiss, but was hoping we wouldn’t. He initiated the kiss and I accepted it, thinking maybe I’d feel differently when I kissed him, but I didn’t. I’m going to ask a silly question, but I’m not sure how to deflect a kiss if it’s initiated and I’m not in the mood? I can ‘reject’ a kiss, if I want to, but not sure how?

Show quote history

Just step back and laugh, turn your head so they kiss your cheek, pop your hand on their chest and lightly push them back, just say "I'm not quite ready for that yet" and laugh.

To be honest if you're not confident enough to turn down a kiss you need to work a little on yourself before dating. It's a very basic boundary and an easy one to enforce. You shouldn't ever be doing anything you don't want to.