Can anyone give me their experience of living in a woman's refuge and is it more advisable than going to living temporarily with a friend/relative

[PennyWhistleSweet]

I'm leaving my husband with my two children.
I have taken the terrifying step of telling my close friends and relatives so no backing down now.

I'm looking into a local woman's refuge as it offers help with therapy, housing and child activities. I have also been offered to stay with a relative.

What would you do and what are your experiences of a refuge. Thank you.

Depends upon whether he knows your relative's address - that would be a major point against going to the relative (and would they and other family members be able to reliably keep it a secret faced with him turning on the tears and suchlike?).

It can also be far easier to access housing help from a refuge due to the experienced staff there/you're less likely to be refused help on the grounds that you're adequately housed in your relative's home (and therefore not being eligible for payments towards housing costs to move out and start anew). And it's so easy to slip through the cracks of social services and the like if you aren't in a refuge.

I think on balance, a refuge as far away as possible and where he doesn't have a clue where to find you would be the best, safest option and where you're most likely to get maximum support to start fresh in safety.

Thank you. This is my thinking too. Her house is only in the next village and as I/we rent privately at the moment without social support I hope I can access some social support for housing as I have no spare money despite working full time.

I don't know if we'll be accepted as he hasn't hit me but I do have some secret recording of him threatening to.

I have no experience but want to send you virtual support.

I hope it all goes as smoothly as possible and you get away safely 🤞🏾.

You may have to take a place in whatever refuge is available in the country and there may be a waiting list. However I've in you may be transferred to the home refuge quickly.

I don't know if you meet their threshold. You would need to have a chat with someone at your local women's aid.

If you have a choice, it probably is better to have the skilled support of a refuge environment rather than being cramped and stressed with a relative who hasn't got room for you. Having said that, be prepared to find b refuge life very constant as a mother - you need eyes in e both children at all rules. Or as close as you can get. Your key worker should be a high help with filling out forms and providing a listening ear.

And of course if you would be safer and there's less chance of your children experiencing trauma if they're safely behind refuge gates, then of course you must go if you can.

hi

im sorry you’re going through this

go to the refuge, they will house you, help you apply for housing and UC etc. they’ll help you to some extent with grants - but do ask

if you go to a relative you’ll not be seen as homeless in the same way and it could delay you being housed in a new home of your own

youll come through this

also look at doing the courses they offer including the freedom program

you may want to turn back but just think how far you’ve gone

The ladies I know who have been in a refuge have had fantastic support from the charity/staff in all aspects of their lives and those of the children, including hand holding. The ladies can stay there a long period of time if they want to and support is offered to obtain new accommodation when you’re ready. The facilities are much nicer than many years ago.

Refuge places are in very high demand and you’re not likely to get one locally straight away, if at all. You could end up anywhere in the country which is unsettling for children and schools/friends. They’re not meant to be a choice, they’re a last resort to keep you alive and away from an abuser.
IME they vary significantly. Some are absolutely brilliant places where you can receive good quality support and help to rebuild your life and emotional resilience. Some are a bit underfunded and run down, but the staff usually work really hard to support you. How old are your kids? There are sometimes complications with male teenagers and not all accept them, some do.
The question is how much danger are you in if he finds you? If he’s already harmed you or is likely to, I’d say a refuge is safer than a relative. Security is generally very good.
If it’s not that serious, a relative could be a good stop gap until you can find housing and keep the kids in the same area.

I've been in 2.

One was a small room and shared facilities, one was a flat in a larger building.

The support you get is invaluable, and you'll also be higher up the housing list if you're in a refuge. They tend to have people you can talk to at all times, they help with everything, application for housing, benefits, accessing counselling for the kids, they have access to charities for furniture and things when you do get housed too.

The down side was having to ask permission to stay out, and having a curfew, not being able to have people over, having inspections every week, not being able to do things such as leave the kids in the flat while you pop to the office to talk to someone etc, the kids have to be with you at all times. All absolutely understandable, but it is a bit of a shell shock.

They also have support workers who can come and, well, support you, so it's not all or nothing.

Good luck op, leaving is the best decision you'll ever make.

Thanks for all the advice. I'll have to wait to see if there's space.
My boys are both under 13.

If there is not a space immediately, it’s often a couple or three days wait, they will try to get you in asap

Try the refuge and have your friend as back up, or occasional respite if she's willing.

I'm assuming you're not in any immediate danger.

The main difference is that going to a relative or friend means that you can be deemed by your council as 'adequately housed'
The other thing to avoid is council deciding you've made yourself intentionally homeless, because they have no 'duty' to help
Contact your local council and make an appointment with a housing officer in case you need to go into temporary accommodation if you don't meet the criteria for a refuge.

I don't think we are in immediate danger. Behaviour is escalating but not violently.

To those who e stayed in one. What happens as I work nights. Could my children go to relatives those nights?

Should I take some emergency annual leave to get my shit together?

It's been 10 years since I was in one, so things may have changed, however, the rent is so expensive in a refuge working may not be an option, it's worth emailing and asking for their advice.

You can’t tell anyone, even your mother where you are licated

you can meet your mother, father sister etc but they must not be told where you are living

in my experience people are moved away so the logistics may not be easy to initially keep working, this isn’t what you want to hear I’m sure

^ this

your UC will cover the rent as it’s different circumstances- but you’d be looking at a rent of around £1400 per month

Totally agree ! OP your and your children’s safety is paramount and when you leave will be the most crucial time and you need to be as far away as possible and get the help and guidance which will be offered to you by women refuge. The least ppl know about you leaving the better.

Can I ask what happened please? Did you go? How was it? I’m nervous about going to one and what it’s like. And if I can stay local, as my ex knows my address now, but not from the local area.