35 with a young family and I feel like our marriage is over :(

[miniworry]

We are 35 year old couple, married for 2.5 years and together almost 6. We have a 4 year old and a 16 month old and sincey second was born I have felt totally disconnected as a couple- we both work full time in demanding careers and I don't think either of us would be afraid to admit we have striggled managing two with our work lives too.

We are so tired by the end of the day that we go straight to bed and then just sit on our phones not talking to each other. But recently, he's just been scrolling on his phone almost constantly, even when with the kids. We've both let ourselves go in the self care department because we just don't have time but I don't feel attracted to him because of how disconnected we seem to be as a couple.

We are currently on holiday and I thought a break away might help us reconnect as we have not got work to contend with but he's just been at the end of his fuse with the kids and me most of the holiday and said earlier he just wants to get home now.

I honestly don't think I'm in love with him anymore and it breaks my heart. We have a young family and I don't want to tear that apart. What can I do? 😢

Don’t make any decisions in the first 3 years of a new baby because hormones are everywhere, they’re so much work and effort and the sleep deprivation and frustrations of the baby phase can skew your view of things so much.

I would just wait until your second is a little bigger and then take stock once they’re more independent and you don’t have to be so involved all the time.

In the meantime make sure you get breaks alone and breaks together - spend some money on getting the staff from nursery to babysit once a fortnight for a date night or get family to do the same if you have any nearby. Alternate having a Sunday afternoon off to do whatever you want without kids so you get some breathing space back and don’t lose your identities to childcare and nappies and tantrums and meals that get chucked on the floor anyway.

You’re still at the child-rearing coal face with very young children who need close looking after unless they’re asleep. DH and I didn’t feel particularly loved up when our DCs were that sort of age and I think you’ll find most people don’t. There’s a real danger here of “grass is greener” thinking and assuming that what you’re experiencing is because of your partner rather than pretty normal in the early years of parenthood.

From what you say, there’s no abuse - it’s just the normal humdrum of going through the daily grind together.

You and your DH decided to have DCs so you do have an obligation to try to make this work. I’m not opposed to divorce - I know some extremely functional divorced families and some messed up families where the parents have stayed together when they should really have split up. But it doesn’t sound like you’re truly in that territory.

You need to start re-discovering your couple. Doesn’t have to be drastic but, perhaps, one night a fortnight or a month when you do something together which is not child-related. You may have to do a bit of faking it till you make it. I found at that stage that I felt much more interested in my DH if I put my book/programme/phone aside, and took an interest in him.

Also - look for romance in the mundane. I’m not really a moonlight and roses person. I think the true romance is in the fact that DH and I, after nearly 30 years of daily grind together of which nearly 21 have been spent parenting (not always harmoniously!) still have really interesting conversations and a laugh together.

Good luck. You’ll be fine as long as you’re both sensible about this.

It sounds like a normal marriage, at your stage of life.

Young kids put a atrsin on things.

Just try to find “couple time” and plough on - these times pass.😉

There's certainly no abuse - it just feels like we are coexisting alongside each other at the minute. He used to be almost too ott with affection and now he just seems so tapped out. It's really hard as he can be a great dad, I just feel like we have lost that spark we had. I hear what people are saying about carving out time for us. We haven't been out the two of us since before my son arrived 16 months ago.

Yup sounds normal. You need to refocus some time on yourselves and each other and most importantly communicate more. And you need to accept you might need to accept you “can’t have it all” ie one or both of you might be better off adjusting your work life to the general betterment of the family.

I think you speak for many others at your stage of life, it’s tough and you lose yourself.

You”re bothered enough to post, so you care, you are so tired though, neither of you can think straight.

Do you have any parental help?

Have you sat down the talked about it? Arranged for the kids to stay at your parents for an evening and arranged a date night? You sound like you want to make it work so you need to put the effort in to reconnect x

You probably have lost that spark for now. But you can and will get it back provided you give some time to your couple.

Start by going out just the two of you. 16 months is a long time not to do that. Your relationship needs you to carve out a bit of time for yourselves and your children need you to do that also as it feeds into overall family happiness.

As gets said on here sometimes, love is a verb. You and your DH loved each other enough to decide to create a family. In a good, healthy relationship, with some conscious effort, you can get back to that place.

You’re in the trenches at the moment, don’t make any decisions.
I can relate a lot, I’m 35 and have a 2yr3month old and a 5 weeks old, so slightly younger children but I can completely understand now why people say that many many divorces happen in the first 2 years after a child, and to not make any decisions in the first three years. Having young children is INTENSE and I have found that my slightest frustration is taken out on my husband, he just had to look at me the wrong way, or ask me an inane question and I snap.

it’s much much harder with two, but one thing I found helped when we only had one was to encourage and set aside time for my husband to go and do his hobby. Even if this was a couple of hours at the weekend, it really lifted his mood and then we enjoyed being around each other a lot more.
Find connection and joy in the small stuff, and nice meal at home once the kids are asleep and watching a series together is something we both look forward to.

its easy to take your frustration and blame on each other for small things because you know you can. We remind ourselves regularly that we’re best friends, we’re in it together, and we’re sorry for snapping at each other at times etc.

I totally get we are in the trenches, but he honestly seems so disconnected that I'm just really unsure how to get it back. He was so loving and was the one who put on the most affection and now it honestly feels like we are just friends 😢

@miniworry - so you and your DH owe it to yourselves and your DCs to have some serious talks about what is going on and how you feel you’re drifting apart.

You’ve had children together. You have to be able to have tricky conversations. What you’re feeling is so common and this is why it’s so important to communicate with each other. It’s part of being good parents and good spouses.