Help needed | Mumsnet

Anon1890 · 2025-07-13T15:06:40+00:00

I’ve been in my relationship for 21 months which has had previous ups and downs last year. Recently I have agreed to sell my property to move in with partner, where we live full time anyway ( just really kept the other house as security) we have so many lovely plans, holidays and events coming up and in the future, we have been trying for a baby and been accepted for IVF and have a consultation soon. We were so happy things could not have been better and my life was everything I wanted and more. We are very affectionate and in love. Until I was on a break away with friends and my partner accused me of logging into his phone accounts ( 100% untrue! Was too busy having a nice time and I trust him with my life, hence the house and baby commitment!) I travelled home as planned that day and he ended our relationship citing I was a liar, brought up a few other false narrative about me and generally just destroying my character. He will not change his mind nor see any sense in this, and I’m blocked now on everything. My life is with him, my belongings at his house and have a holiday and consultation imminent. What do I do? How can I help him and get my life back?

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 16:09

Oh dear
oh dear

the good news is that you are at a fork and only about to commit yourself to this man

the bad news is that this thread won’t change anything. You will move in with him, you will have his baby, and this will go the way it was always going to go.

21 months and accepted for IVF? You started trying quickly

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 16:09

This reply has been deleted

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ThymeandBasil · 13/07/2025 16:12

Why do you want to help him OP?
You have found out who he really is.

You now need to unentwine your life from his and be glad you found out at this stage before decoupling became more difficult.

Cattery · 13/07/2025 16:15

Why would you be thinking about hitching your wagon to man like this? It’s all full speed ahead without any time to reflect on the reality of your relationship. I’ve seen it all before. It never worked out.

TwistedWonder · 13/07/2025 16:18

You’ve rushed into a relationship barely pausing for breath and now he’s either panicked and realised it’s too much too soon or he’s had his head turned and there’s someone else on the horizon.

He’s told you loud and clear it’s over - arrange to have your stuff collected he’d end thank your lucky stars you didn’t sell your house and you’re not pregnant when he bailed.

MooseLooseAboutTheHoose · 13/07/2025 16:19

Help him? Help him with what?

This sounds like an excuse he is using to get out of these commitments that you’ve made together.

Tbh, 21 months is nothing. I absolutely wouldn’t be considering selling my home at this point. You don’t know a person well enough for that level of commitment. And he has proven this by what he has done.

And going through IVF at this stage is absolutely insane in my opinion. Far too soon. You have no idea at this stage what type of a father this man would make. Which he has again proven with his recent actions.

I would advise ending this relationship and really looking at why you were so willing to fall head over heels into life altering commitments with a man you've not even know for 2 years.

Gettingbysomehow · 13/07/2025 16:20

For God's sake never, ever trust a man like this. Always keep your home. If you have a home and decide to move in with a guy just rent it out. You should always have an escape route and escape money. You can't trust them even after 20/30 years as many of us know.
Trust your brain first then your heart.

Colddayhotcuppa · 13/07/2025 16:29

MooseLooseAboutTheHoose · 13/07/2025 16:19

Help him? Help him with what?

This sounds like an excuse he is using to get out of these commitments that you’ve made together.

Tbh, 21 months is nothing. I absolutely wouldn’t be considering selling my home at this point. You don’t know a person well enough for that level of commitment. And he has proven this by what he has done.

And going through IVF at this stage is absolutely insane in my opinion. Far too soon. You have no idea at this stage what type of a father this man would make. Which he has again proven with his recent actions.

I would advise ending this relationship and really looking at why you were so willing to fall head over heels into life altering commitments with a man you've not even know for 2 years.

Agree. Please read all of these posts properly.
why on earth are you trying to get back with him? Can you imagine being pregnant and he pulls this crap? Dint ever get back with him, even if he sobs at your feet for another chance. If you do he will 💯 do this again.

ginasevern · 13/07/2025 16:33

Thank god he showed you who he is before you ruined your life! He sounds deranged. You've actually had a very, very lucky escape OP. He isn't the love of your life, you're clutching at straws. Is there a reason for that? I suspect he's deliberately engineered this situation to get rid of you. He might've met someone else, he might be secretly shuddering at the thought of a baby, he might've just been playing you because it was OK at the time. Arrange to pick up your stuff if you think it's safe to do so, but for christ sake don't even think about begging him to come back.

Dery · 13/07/2025 16:36

Sorry you’ve had this experience. That’s very disappointing and upsetting.

Thank goodness it happened before you sold your property and embarked on IVF. Your partner is bonkers and not a good man.

I suspect he cheated while you were away but whatever he did or didn’t do, he’s not the man for you. Given you had already had ups and downs despite only being together for 21 months, it sounds like he was never a particularly good match for you but it’s easy to get caught up in the whirlwind.

He has no right to keep your things. Can you go round with a friend to collect them?

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 16:38

Why on earth was my post deleted?!!

Original poster

Anon1890 · 13/07/2025 16:41

Thank you!

I completely understand everyone’s responses and would tell anyone the same. It’s much more difficult when you’re in the horrendous situation.

FYI I’ve known him all in 10 years and just been in a very fast moving serious relationship for the past 2. Age has a factor to play in our commitments too, and when we are together it’s unquestionable. Highly unlikely he has someone else on the horizon or cheater, we are a very close couple, FaceTimes etc and my sister lives very nearby him, perhaps on the horizon I guess?? Who knows!

He has many past issues, which don’t involve me and shouldn’t affect me, but I’m considering the role these play in his behaviours. I feel awfully blindsided. :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Anon1890 · 13/07/2025 16:43

Dery · 13/07/2025 16:36

Sorry you’ve had this experience. That’s very disappointing and upsetting.

Thank goodness it happened before you sold your property and embarked on IVF. Your partner is bonkers and not a good man.

I suspect he cheated while you were away but whatever he did or didn’t do, he’s not the man for you. Given you had already had ups and downs despite only being together for 21 months, it sounds like he was never a particularly good match for you but it’s easy to get caught up in the whirlwind.

He has no right to keep your things. Can you go round with a friend to collect them?

Edited

Again maybe I’m just not seeing it, I’d say we were a good match hence the decision to get into this relationship and to make commitments. We do everything together and are very close and in love and never had trust issues.

OP posts:

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 16:46

What does your sister living nearby him have to do with anything?

Sassybooklover · 13/07/2025 17:59

My guess is that your partner has possibly realised that he's not ready for commitment. You have your own home, but spend a lot of time staying at your partner's home. So selling your home, and living with him permanently, would be a big step. You have spoken about IVF, and now you have a consultation - reality has set in and he's realised it's becoming serious. I suspect the issue with his phone, was fabricated or there was a blip and he's made assumptions, taking the opportunity to create a big scene, to split up with you. In his mind, he's justified splitting up with you, it was all your fault and he doesn't have to have a difficult conversation with you to tell you he's changed his mind. In fairness, you haven't even been together 2 years and have raced to live together and start a family. You may have known him 10 years, but knowing someone as a friend, is not the same as knowing someone well in a romantic relationship. Accept the relationship has ended, collect your belongings and thank your luck stars this has happened now.

Colddayhotcuppa · 13/07/2025 23:28

I really hope you don't get back with him @Anon1890. He is very very bad news. Don't sell your home and definitely don't have a baby with him. At the very least he is unpredictable and impulsive, which no poor baby needs. At worst he has lovebombed you and will turn out to be abusive. he is manipulative as evidenced by taking the coward's way out in ending your relationship in this manner and bad mouthing you to everyone. Get some counselling to work out why you have allowed this relationship to move this fast.

Lactofull · 14/07/2025 06:57

Colddayhotcuppa · 13/07/2025 23:28

I really hope you don't get back with him @Anon1890. He is very very bad news. Don't sell your home and definitely don't have a baby with him. At the very least he is unpredictable and impulsive, which no poor baby needs. At worst he has lovebombed you and will turn out to be abusive. he is manipulative as evidenced by taking the coward's way out in ending your relationship in this manner and bad mouthing you to everyone. Get some counselling to work out why you have allowed this relationship to move this fast.

She’s still with him
It is him that seems to have ended it with the Op
but the nanosecond he changes his mind, the OP will very evidently jump to it

Lactofull · 14/07/2025 06:57

Anon1890 · 13/07/2025 16:43

Again maybe I’m just not seeing it, I’d say we were a good match hence the decision to get into this relationship and to make commitments. We do everything together and are very close and in love and never had trust issues.

Show quote history

Not any more Op
times have changed
in less than 21 months no less

ginasevern · 14/07/2025 18:19

Anon1890 · 13/07/2025 16:43

Again maybe I’m just not seeing it, I’d say we were a good match hence the decision to get into this relationship and to make commitments. We do everything together and are very close and in love and never had trust issues.

Show quote history

What exactly aren't you seeing OP? Do you need a diagram? The message couldn't be any clearer. You aren't very much in love anymore and you don't do everything together anymore. He's binned you off and used a sledgehammer to do it! Given the lack of acceptance in most of your posts, I do wonder whether he's tried before and simply can't get through to you. Trust issues have nothing to do with it. I trusted my husband with my life and he had an affair after 26 years of marriage. Trust neither proves nor guarantees anything. And in this world of 24/7 digital communication via a tiny device in your pocket how the hell would your sister know who he's speaking to.

Summerinthecity25 · 14/07/2025 18:23

Well you think you are a good match and close and in love but unfortunately he doesn’t. Not any more anyway.

Do not trust him op even if he declares undying love.

TwistedWonder · 14/07/2025 18:32

Anon1890 · 13/07/2025 16:43

Again maybe I’m just not seeing it, I’d say we were a good match hence the decision to get into this relationship and to make commitments. We do everything together and are very close and in love and never had trust issues.

Show quote history

What are you not seeing? The fact it’s over? Or that there maybe someone else involved?

You’ve both rushed ahead at full speed and it sounds like it’s too fast for him and he’s bailed.

You can’t win him back, he’s not prize