Breaking up dilemma

[ByFunnyOliveHiker]

I am currently in the process of splitting up with my partner long story short we’ve been together 8 years & have a DS 4yo. I have a 17yo DS from previous. DP & DS 17 always had a great relationship until our DS was born. At the time DS 17 didn’t bond with his brother and initially wouldn’t have anything to do with him. I was suffering with PND so partner did have a lot on but he was by no means supportive making me feel useless and saying I’d never cope on my own. My eldest DS was 13 at the time so as you can imagine he had all these hormones and mixed emotions. My partner wanted him to be punished for this and says he rules the roost. He calls him a spoilt brat. After about a year my eldest finally bonded with his brother, but my partner has never forgiven him. My eldest has currently been staying at his dads, I’ve been struggling because I need to be with both my sons but I know my partner doesn’t want him with us. Currently now I’m in the process of getting my own place but feel so bad on my 4 year old for splitting his family up. Last night my partner came home and really let rip, he was saying I’d said things to him that I hadn’t said and he was adamant about it, he’s calling me a deluded cow, I’m not right in the head, I’m popped up on that many anti depressants that I don’t know what I’ve said. He says he’s never gotten over my eldest behaviour with his brother and if my eldest doesn’t come and live back with me when I get my own place he won’t see his son, he said he’ll tell people me and my family have stopped him seeing him if he feels like it. He says the break up is mine and my eldest fault. Our house together has sold and he’s saying we’ll be out in a few weeks. I’m so worried about how this break up will effect our youngest and feel like I’ve chosen my eldest over him.

Your partner is a bully. You’ve chosen to release yourself from his grip, it’s not that you’ve chosen your eldest.
My parents divorced when I was about 6/7, I can hardly remember my dad living at home, and your new life will soon become normal to your little one. Keep moving forward into your new life.

I think the response of your partner to this situation says it all. You are not doing this at all, he is.
If he cared about his son then he would move mountains for him and therefore would be hurt by the breakdown of the relationship and maybe blame you for it, but he would not take that out on his son by refusing to see him if your eldest was there.
You are doing the right thing and looking out for your children and doing the right thing by them.
His behaviour is not the kind of example I would want either of my children to be exposed to so he's doing you a favour.
Your youngest will be fine and will grow up with an amazing mum.
Focus on your future and how to make it the best that you can as its going to be a rough ride if this is what your ex is going to be like, but it will be worth it in the long run.

You’re not choosing your older son over your younger, you’re choosing your put both of your DC first by no longer pandering to a controlling bully who thinks judging and holding a grudge against a teenager is acceptable.

Both of your sons will be a lot happier without this bullying, unforgiving idiot of a man in their home and life. If you’re on antidepressants I bet your mood lifts too.

I am just really struggling because I’m so worried about my DS 4 and how he’s going to adjust. I don’t want a life on my own again, I so want him to have his parents together. I feel like I’ve maybe caused all this over the years because I didn’t just accept that my eldest had gone to his dads. My partner was so nice and I feel like I’ve done this somehow and made him how he is if I’d of accepted things then he wouldn’t be getting mad, getting stressed out and would maybe be how he was. He says his sister and friends have told him he needs to get out and he does for his own sanity! The thought of in a month or so having to pack up and move separate is really upsetting me.